Monday, September 26

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Dygo-Ring of Lies, Secrets & Betrayals Chapter 33

ROLSB 33
I believe in life, we get many chances to love. The older I get, the less I believe in the idea of one's “soul-mate”, or one’s “love of your life”. I think that in each phase of our lives, we grow into different people and love takes on a new meaning. The love we sought when we were in our teens and twenties is different than what would attract, or be meaningful to us in our thirties or forties. Does that mean it wasn’t true love? Or that the person wasn’t, in that moment, the “love of our life”? I don’t think so.
I’ve been caught up between what I always believed was Lav’of my life and my future soulmate. Truth be told, Kevin and I loved each other in ways that I thought nothing would come between us, but as we grow up we somehow drifted apart and lost that kind of love we thought would stand the test of time. Marriage and relationship takes two to tango but I found myself doing more than threesome tango in my marriage.
I believe there is such a thing as finding a connection with someone that is unlike anything you’ve experienced prior. It transcends the love you knew up to that point, and for the time you spend with that person, they truly are “the love of your life” up to that point. But what happens when that love doesn’t last or doesn’t work out? Does that mean your chance is gone? That you’ve met “the one” and lost them and now your chance for love is over? Well that was my fear all along. I thought there would never be any man to sweep me off my feet and made me fall hilariously in love with him like Kevin Karabello Tau did.
God how depressing had that been! It almost made getting over the loss of my relationship almost impossible. Thankfully, I believe life shows us, that with each true love we reach a new height. A new awareness of what love means. We learn how to be a better, more loving partner. We learn to let our walls down and let someone else in. With that comes the risk of pain and loss, but it truly is so much better to have had that opportunity then, than to have never experienced it at all. That would be tragic.
I think that love, like wine, like wisdom, gets better with age. I think it opens doors to something even better yet to come. It lets us know we are capable of attracting it, experiencing it, and breathing it in. And I fully believe that there is a “right” one, even when the others who came before were perhaps the “wrong ones”. With each experience the bar is raised, the lessons are learned, and when the time is right, the one who is meant to stay will transcend all the others. And when that happens the love of the past will fade away and be replaced with one far superior.
Yes, replaced is the word. You take out the wrong one and replace it with the right one.
This gave me hope. I knew that something so mind-blowingly amazing was coming my way, and I couldn’t wait. I have been crying for far too long and I was tired of it. A true love of mine once told me that “Happiness is just waiting for when you are ready” and boy, I was so ready... Mentally, emotionally and physically.
I knew that the moment I will open my door to let happiness in, I’ll recognize and appreciate it in a way I could never have done had I not gone through losing love in the past. I knew that one day I’d be a better woman, a better lover, and a better partner to someone who was worthy of my heart.
He finally came along and swept me off my feet. Oh let me tell you, how it all begun....
It was not something planned. It happened while I least expected, actually when I had given up on the idea of us ever being more than just friends and colleagues. That time in Cape Town after news that the Baloyes were visiting Kevin, I was so upset. I must say it broke my heart to realise what a snake Reatli was and how Kevin was taking me for granted. I decided to go to the bar to get myself something to drink, something to numb the pain I was feeling.
The connection was instant and undeniable. As I step out of the elevator, Milano was standing right in front of me as if it was some kind of set up. It was one of those cosmically aligned moments, when you ran into a stranger in an elevator who changed your life and stole your heart type of scenario.
Just seeing him waiting on the other side of my life, for the next few seconds my heart went through every possible emotion. The most prominent of which was that feeling of finding the one person you’ve spent your whole life searching for, the one that is the perfect match to you in every way, but knowing from the start that it might never last. It was that tragic, heart-breaking, I can’t-do-shit-about-it, life’s-a-bitch, the heart wants what it wants,kinda love that rips your heart out feeling. Yet when you fall in love, you have no control over it, even if you know it’s chances for survival are minimal at best. It just is what it is. I knew then that I wanted to be with him.
I remember throwing myself right in his arms and broke down and cried. Poor guy just let me cry it out on his shoulder right there by the elevator. For a good ten minutes I was in his arms, feeling safe, feeling content, feeling protected. The next minute we were in his room, cuddling on the bed. It was right there when Milano poured out his heart to me.
He briefly told me about his miserable marriage and his childhood and how he had dreamed of having a stable family with six kids and how his dreams were shattered when he find out that his wife couldn’t conceive and how his wife was diagnosed with some mental disorder that changed her and how ever since then their marriage took a toll and him deciding to move to Jo’burg thinking that things might change for them and how instead things went worse. He said since his wife was not taking their separation well, she got worse when she was served with divorce papers. Milano went on about how bad he felt for the wife but unfortunately there was nothing he could do to avoid hurting her that way.
I asked him if those guilty feelings of divorcing his wife were the reason for the sudden change of his behaviour and how he had been treating me so cold for the past few weeks. That’s when he dropped the bomb on me. He said the weekend I went to Sun City his wife called him to come see her. When he got home, the wife gave him signed divorce papers and told him that he was free to date the woman who stole his heart. He said he was feeling guilty about his wife’s statement especially because it was true and further said he thought maybe his wife found out about his feelings for me hence the sms saga. So he said he wa had been going through some emotions and wondering if he did the right thing to divorce her.
He further spoke about how he fell in love with me the first day he laid his eyes on me and our first kiss and that day in hospital when I told him that I had feelings for him but couldn’t be with him blah blah. He said things changed when I got in an accident. He knew he had to confess his love for me. He said ever since then he could not imagine life without me and made a decision to file for his divorce.
He said he didn’t want me to feel like he was making me some rebound hence he was trying to stay away from me. He asked me about my marriage and my future plans. I told him about my intentions to divorce and how complicated it was to file for divorce when the other person was abroad. I told him about my husband’s request to wait for him for six months before I could file and how I was counting two months before he comes back to sit with me and lawyers to discuss settlements, custody and everything. We literally spoke the entire night. We spoke about Rufus, the conference, this and that. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Although Milano and I didn’t talk much about our plans going forward, I assumed that he was ready to take things to the next level.
We came back from Cape Town and I was hoping that since our heart to heart talk, me and him would be back to being close. Kick starting our relationship, but I was so wrong.
After the fateful week in Cape Town, Milano continued to behave like it was business as usual. Other times he treated me like a colleague and other times like we were more than friends. I couldn’t fathom why he was still doing it if he didn’t want to take our relationship further. I mean, what the heck was wrong with him? First I gave him the chance to express his interest, and he didn’t. Then as I was trying to throw some hints on, waving “ I’m ready for anything with you” , there he was, preventing me from doing so. It was as if he was telling me that I was still married and he was single. And that we needed to be careful. Really? Was he having fun screwing around with my mind?
One weekend I confronted him about his behaviour. I told him to “stop sending coded messages to me and asked him to stop reminding me of the piece of paper that stood between me and my freedom. Each time I tried to ask him about what he really wanted, he either feigned ignorance or kept quiet.
After the confrontation, he tried to change how he treated me. He called me whenever we were both home and we would talk till I fell asleep. And few days the same behaviour continued afterward. Things reached the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity, a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship shit. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop – repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept re-enacting itself, except it had no ending.
I hated him for doing this. Either he treated this like a proper friendship or moved it forward into a relationship. I couldn’t live in this ambiguity. I felt he was irresponsible in his actions and his words. Deep down, I resented him for that.
Finally, after a couple of days, I could no longer suppress my feelings for Milano. I needed to know where we stand. I was compelled, despite all logical sense, to reach out to him . I was just worried about him rejecting me and risking our friendship but I had to.
Some might argue that my relationship with Milano became an affair the moment we met and kissed the first time and I responded to him with private thoughts or feelings that should have been reserved for my husband.
While I understand the selfish and destructive nature of this kind of thinking (my growing preoccupation with Milano was inconsistent with the promises I'd made to Kevin), I also believe there is a distinct difference between thoughts of infidelity and an act of infidelity (whether or not that act involves sex). While the former often leads to the latter, they are not the same. My thoughts about Milano were pushing me closer to an act, but I had not yet crossed the line.
I could see the line, though. For me, the line was that moment when I would, in some way, declare my feelings to Milano. It could have been with a look, or a touch, or a word—anything that would let him know that I was interested in moving our relationship beyond friendship. Stopping anywhere short of that line would have avoided the various consequences that were bound to occur once I stepped over.But I was drawn to the line. At first, I really didn't want to cross it; I simply wanted to get as close as I could, right up to the edge, to see what the other side looked like. My guess was that Milano was willing to step over with me, but I wasn't sure what was holding him up. What if he didn't feel the same? What if he was appalled by any suggestion that we be something more than friends? What if I blew up a good friendship over what I felt?
I learned something about standing close to the line: I couldn't stay there forever. I either had to back way up, or take a step. The tension was too great to just do nothing, so I decided to risk placing my foot on the other side.
Of course, I opted for plausible denial. If he took offense at what I said, I wanted to be able to claim innocence. And so, one afternoon as we sat alone in an office, I confessed to him, "If we weren't careful, or over thinking things, this relationship could go farther than it should."
He paused, flushed, looked at me, and mumbled something about us needing to be careful about making any regrettable decisions. He didn’t say anything further he left for the afternoon. I felt so ashamed for what I said. Milano not saying much made me realise that he was not romantically interested in me. But I thought it was all good and at least I could stop trying to persuade a relationship with him. I remember driving home that day feeling like shit. I think I cried the entire drive home. Somehow I thought maybe it was for the best. But I could not help the longing and desire to be with him. I had fallen in love with him and hard and complicated as it was, my heart was broken by his rejection.
I got home and locked myself in my room, later I received a three page email from him admitting his feelings for me, and expressing his fears and concerns about what would happen between us.
There we were, standing together on the other side of the line. I had some vague sense of the looming consequences, but I didn't care. At that moment, I wanted nothing else besides experiencing this budding romance.
I didn’t believe in love at first sight until our eyes locked the following day. I thought it was something writers and fairytale’s invented to keep us wishing for some magic that probably never existed. But from our first eye contact, it was there, as crazy as it sounds. If you’ve ever found this kind of love, then you know it doesn’t sound crazy at all.
There was no denying it, on both sides. And from that moment on as we spent time getting to know each other, knowing that our timing and lives would be subjected to scrutiny, I asked God and the Universe or whatever else was listening…to forgive me for allowing my heart to lead me to another man’s arms while I was still officially married to another.
So yes, it’s been four long weeks, Milano and I were settling into our relationship. We communicated the do’s and don’ts and set boundaries for our relationship. The aim was to take it slow and steady and see where it leads us.
So, goodbye heartaches ( Kevin Karabello Tau) and hello happiness (Milano Lesego Lebitso ).
Time went pretty fast, it was already Mid May. Milano and I were bonding pretty good. I haven’t told all my friends and family about my new flame. I wanted to give it time before I could start announcing and I was still ashamed to admit that I was basically having an affair while I was still a married woman. I wanted to fast forward weeks to end of June when Kevin and I would end our marriage and I would freely continue with Milano.
The Baloyes were back from overseas and still Reatli and Kevin had not made contact with me and were not reachable. Life was good. My family and friends were doing well too. I was now looking forward to go to work everyday to see my manzilla. Milano and I discussed our working relationship and decided that maybe he should consider applying for other positions within the company.
It was the Friday 31st of May I was at the office getting ready to go home when I received a call. It was coming from Zama our receptionist. She said she’d been looking for me the entire day. I told her that I had meetings all day and right now I was heading straight home. She said she have some lady on the line. She phoned three times already and left her details. I told her that I am not in the mood for Friday afternoon clients and asked her to tell the caller that I already gone. I will call her Monday.
Zama said she didn’t think she’s a client. She said she think it’s more personal. She said the caller said she won’t hang up this time until she put her through to me and or give her my cellphone numbers. Zama said I should take it because it sounded like she really wanted to talk because she sounded like she’s been crying.
I thought obviously that couldn’t possible be a client. I thought maybe it’s Reatli. I asked Zama to put the call through.
When I greeted the person I only heard a lady's voice crying so hysterical. I asked who it was because I couldn’t hear her voice clearly.
Caller: How could you do that to me? You sold me out to him and now my life is in danger. How could you? dammit ...you....
Nna: Whoa whoa calm down lady. Firstly I can’t hear properly who I’m talking to and what and who are you talking about ?
Caller: (still crying). I am talking about Nyiko. He knows everything and he is up for revenge. And you know what he does to people who double cross him.....
Nna: okay okay, please talk slow and tell me who you are and what you want from me?
Just as I tried to calm the mysterious caller down, we got cut off. Oh shucks, I didn’t even get her name. Who was this and why was she blaming me for selling her out? And what was she talking about?
The caller was obviously crying and I couldn’t make out her voice. But one thing for sure this had everything to do with Nyiko...
Question was: Who just called and accused me of being a sell-out ? Could it be Reatli? Or Sheryl? Or Fifi?

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