Mahlatse Ramatseba

Zulu & Xhosa jokes

0 SIYANEMUKELA NONKE MA ZULU, XHOSA, NDEBELE MA SWATI, KUNYE BABANYE ABANGASIWO AMANGUNI KODWA ABAZITHANDAYO NABAZAZIYO LEZILIMU.
1) Funda amahlaya akhona bese uyahleka
2) Siphe amahlaya akho ukuze nathi sizohleka.
3) Asihlekeni sonke
4) Asingafaki Porn, nezithombe ezethusayo - RED CARD.
5) Asizihlonipheni, sihloniphe nabanye - YELLOW OR RED CARD
6) Sifuna amahlaya esiZulu, Xhosa, Ndebele, Swati. Oletha awesingisi kuphela engahle abe nenkinga ngoba akusiyo indawo yesingisi.
7) ONGALWAZI ULWIMU LWESINTU UYAKHISHWA NGOKUSHESHA


U Zuma uncithana no Mandela Zuma:utsho
ngobubi ingath ndim xa ndichama.
Mandela: lento yavinjwa inyama emgidini yathi
mncwaaa umakhulu uyeluka ngomso.
Zuma: lento imbi ngathi ngumshini wam.
Mandela:yizapha yizapha lento ya failure u A
yathi masiqalele utitshala unamaqhinga.
Zuma : Futsek lento itsho ngenwele izimhlophe
ngathi yinja enomgada.
Mandela: lento yakhwela emthini yaphinda
yohlika.
Zuma: lento yagxothwa ezulwini ngengxa
yokrazula ama shiti ngamasa.
Mandela: utsho nge ntloko etsolo ngathi uyi
member ye Axe pha ku Kungfu hustle.
Zuma: lento yakroba esimokolweni yanxila
imehlo.
Mandela: uqhunyiwe masiyeke ngoku
nyt felows


2 ukewabona amaxhosa ukuthi azithanda kanjani izinto ezicwebezelayo kwathi ngelinye ilanga ngise eastern cape kabo mngani wami okuthiwa ngu Odwa.Ingane yakwabo yawisa ukhezo(teaspoon) waphenduka u-anti ka Odwa wathi,"uzuyiphule leyo teaspoon uzondazi kahle.

3 Weeeeh nkosi yami,ukewabona ukuthi eLimpopo akuna ma fridge.Isizathu salokho ukuthi vele inyama noma isishebo abasifaki efrijini.Yonke into iyawomiswa ngaphandle kuthayela(izenke),amasonja,inyama ngisho nesipinashi imbala siyawomiswa,nenyama yenkukhu baze bayibize ichicken biltong.

 4Mina ngingumzulu nginje angeke ngakwazi ukukhuluma isipedi,kuthiwe nje akengikhulume isipedi iviki.ngingaphathwa ama tonsils,cabanga nje igama elithi gomtsyana,"ngonu","go bo yima".weeeh batata ayi cha ngeke.

5 Bese izangakuthima amazulu,kakhulu kazi kwezemiculo,phegelezi umaskandi.uke uqaphele ukuthi abaculi bomaskandi esikhathini esiningi abasiculeli ukuthi sidanse,kodwa into abayezayo ukusitshela izinkinga zabo ukuze sibathengele ama cd abo nokuthi sibazwele usizi.Cabanga nje izingoma zika Shwi nomtekhala, njengalena ethi "mina angimazi ubaba wami ngamehlo enyama,ngakhuliswa umalume.

6 Kunganjani uma ngingaba Umthandazi noma/sangoma Kukhona engikucabangayo,okuzongifakela imali.kucishe kufane nonkwenzwa iningi labefundisi balezi zinsuku.Kodwa keh mina ngeke ngibe umfundisi kuze ngenze imali,kodwa ngingasho nje ukuthi kucishe kufane. Angithi wazi kahle kamhlophe nawe ukuthi kukhona abe fundisimbumbulu(abomgwinyathi),nami ngicabanga ukuba umthandazi noma isangoma somgwinyathi,nami ngenze imali njengabe fundisimbumbulu. Cabanga nje sengiya elokishini,ngoba vele kakhulu kazi ngifuna omama nobaba abathengisa utshwala.Njalo uma ngihamba noma kumina ngizohlezi ngiphethe lesisikhwama esiyisiskoshi(shangane bag).Phakathi kwaso kuzobe kune nkukhu emnyama kodwa enqunyiwe,uvaselina ohlangene nomlotha webattery lakudala lawa esasiwafaka kuma radio(Umsakazo),Razar kanye namanzi asezigujini.Ungakhohlwa ngiyile sangoma esiphuzayo phela. Mhlampe nje akuthiwe Ngise lokishini lase Protea South kanje lapha e soweto.Kukhona Omama ababili abanezindawo zotshwala(Ama Tarven),kanti futhi bayazana.Ngingene ka Zanele's Tarvern,ngizithengele nje eyodwa ibeer.Bese ngikhalise okwe Zangoma"eeee!!!!,,,"Bese ngibiza Umama Zanele,ngithi kuye"Mama Zanele kukhona engikubonayo ngokwesimo somoya okungahambi kahle ngalebhizinisi lakho,kukhona ofuna uku 'kcitha." Umangimbona ukuthi usethathekile,base ngimcela ukuthi siye engumbini lakhe lokulala(ekamelweni).Bese ngimtshela ukuthi ahambe ayokha amanzi nge glass,ngoba vele ngibona ngamanzi.Uma eqeda nje kuphuma bese ngithatha lenkukhu emnyama ngiyiphonse ngaphansi kombede."Umama Brenda ukuphonsa ngemithi ufuna ibhizinisi lakho liwe kugqame elakhe. "Ukewezwa yini ukuthi uthayela wendlu yakho uyakhaya ,unokukhala izinto ebusuku"bese avume,kanti yena akazi ukuthi vese uthayela uyakhala makungabe emini bekushisa kakhulu."Layikhaya alipheli iviki amakhasimende akho angalwanga"bese avume uma uthi uyabheka akukho lana ekuthengiswa utshwala kungaliwa khona.Bese ngiyambuza uyashanyela lana engumbini lakho,bese athi"yebo",Bese mina ngithi "cha khona uyashanyela kodwa awushanyelisisi ngoba umama Brenda usekuqedile.Uyabona uma uthi uyashanyela lento iyashifta,uthi uyashanyela ishifte,bese nginkathi eyokha amanzi. Uzothi ukuqala ukungithemba manje,bese ngithatha loya vaselina ohlangene nomtshizi webattery kanye ne raza nqigcabe umndeni wakhe wonke ngazo.Bese ngiithi "mina owami umsebenzi ngiwenzile,ngikuvikele kulomthakathi uMamBrenda,sokuyisikhathi sokuthi ushaye nawe phansi ngo R2500".Bese lokhu ebengikwenza futhi ngikusho ngiyokwenza ngiphinde ngikusho kumamaBrenda ngithi UmamZanele uyakuthakatha khona bengeke Bezwane nakancane.Bangakhulumi nokuthi batshelwe isiphi isangoma ngoba kuyo vele kucacise.
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3 comments

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Nondu Makhaye
AUTHOR
17 June 2015 at 05:37 delete

the first joke is just based on tribalism and doesn't make any sense at all. i smell a zulu bimbo writing it. lo joke imincu ngesixhosa

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Anonymous
AUTHOR
7 September 2015 at 09:20 delete

kwaaaa ...

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Anonymous
AUTHOR
16 September 2015 at 08:53 delete

u are ryt nondu

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