Diary of a Single Mum Episode 44 - Mzansi Stories

Wednesday, August 5

Wizzy

Diary of a Single Mum Episode 44

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Episode 44

When you meet anyone, remember it's a holy encounter. As you see him,you will see yourself ...for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself - a course in miracles.
A horrow in my heart kept widening at every ticking second. I was losing it. The pain razoring and jabbering me inside was swelling by the hour. I opened and let a dam of tears flood from my eyes yet the sense of loss couldn't go away. I had an uneasy feeling that something bad had happened to my daughter. Call it a mother's instinct. It hurt so bad to know that all I could do was pray and wait for a miracle from God. All the efforts of finding her were hitting blank walls and I wished I could wake up from this nightmare that was tormenting me. Nothing could have prepared me for anything like this in all my life. Days turned into a week and she was still missing. The police still had nothing. Posters of her missing were placed in most public places yet nothing came out of it. The going was getting tougher by the day. The effects of sleepless and restless days and nights were slowly catching up with me. I was so exhausted yet sleep failed me. I felt like if I closed my eyes for a moment, I would go to sleep forever and never be able to see my Mandy again. I looked like a zombie and Peter, God bless his soul was the one taking care of Laurent.
When he was making breakfast in the kitchen, I was crying my eyes out in the bedroom. I couldn't eat and always wanted to be alone. My eyes run out of tears but I was moaning and groaning in emotional torture. I was reminding God that He gave me that precious gift, legitimate or not, to the glory of His name and He would help me find her. I had heard countless stories of child trafficking and I had never for once imagined my daughter falling victim to those lunatics. Children are so Precious, innocent and deserve to be protected and cared for. Nobody in their right minds can think of hurting them but the thought of pedophiles walking Scott free out there was enough to make my blood cold.
All I could see in my eyes was her smiling face, those priceless moments she had hugged me and said, "I love you mummy." in her childish voice. Those moments she had told me that I looked beautiful in a new dress. I could do anything to have them back.
Peter came and sat beside me.I didn't hear him enter until he spoke.
"You can't continue like this hun. Please come and eat something. You need the strength. "
"No I don't ...All my strength is gone,I don't want anything else.I just want my baby back, I want her here." I wrapped my arms across my chest and locked myself back and forth. My eyes hurt and I had a throbbing headache but no amount of painkillers could take away the pain enveloping my heart and soul. He took me in his arms and tried comforting me but it didn't work out. Fear was paralyzing me. I was afraid of losing, I was afraid of the unknown,I was afraid of living with that pain forever. How does one get used to such pain? How does one beat it and how does one continue hanging to the thread of life when all the right reasons you have to live for are gone? How do you live knowing that you completely failed your dear kid? I remembered that the morning of the day she went missing, she told me that she didn't want to go to school because she had a headache. I knew Amanda too well to say she didn't have a headache. She just wanted to stay home and watch the new Tinkabell cartoons DVD that Peter had bought her the previous day. Oh if only I had let her stay maybe something like this couldn't have happened. Thoughts like these broke me and fuelled the yawning abyss in my heart. I couldn't take it anymore. I became hysterical and started shaking so hard. Peter had to take me to a doctor. I remember that I was crying for Amanda on top of my voice before the medicine overpowered me and I drifted off into oblivion.
When I woke up I had a stale taste in my mouth and my nostrils were filled with the overpowering smell of medicine. My mind was blank,there was no pain until I remembered what was happening. I started crying again then a doctor and a nurse came. I refused to be medicated again. I felt that it maybe could have been better if my baby got sick and died. Atleast I could have seen her corpse and see evidence that she was no more but vanishing in the thin air left me with so many questions. I quickly cast off those thoughts out of my mind.
This whole thing was putting my mind to a test of sanity and dared me on how much pain I was able to bear.
Later Peter came with a crying Laurent. He seemed to notice that something was amiss. Poor man all this must have been too hard on him. The doctor recommended that I see a therapist. I didn't want a psycho in my life to make me forget. I wanted to feel every pain and nightmare as long as she was out there.
I asked Peter if he had heard any news,he sadly shook his head.
The doctor prescribed painkillers for my migraines as well as sleeping pills and lots of rest. He also said I had to avoid issues that further depressed me. The circle of my life was incomplete with the dot of absence of my sweet child. The sunshine that lit my grumpy days.
I remembered that the day I carried her in my arms and looked into her tiny beautiful pink face,all doubts I had about going on in life vanished, for that moment I completely forgot the pain,rejection and horror that became my companion when Ben left me.
Now that joy had been completely pulled off unceremoniously ...

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