Thursday, October 29

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 134

Dygo 134
I was driving with tears rolling down my eyes. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I thought of going to aus Tsitsi but I didn't want to get there and let my kids see me like this.
Along the way I thought about going to Mmatau or abuti Omphi or Obakeng's. But I decided against it, there would be time for that later. Now all I needed was time alone, to really absorb the blow and give myself time to think and to grieve until I could come to terms and finally believe the facts for what they were. My husband was having an affair/ fling/ relationship or Few nightstands with Sheryl Gosiame...aka LSG . I was not ready to talk about my miserable marriage with anyone yet. All I needed was some quietness. I was already driving by N1 heading towards the Polokwane.
I thought of The Duncan hotel by the freeway. It is one intimate and quiet place I have ever been to. Richmond used to take me there. He used to jokingly tell me that it was a good place for cheaters to go to for some little fun with their side kicks. It was very secluded, discreet and intimately build. One time we went and spend the weekend there, I never wanted to leave, the way I enjoyed some quietness and intimate time there. I decided right then that I am heading to The Duncan Hotel.
Too often when the realization of infidelity hit us. We become in denial, we spend our time, days or even months trying to make sense of the true fact before our eyes. Re leka ka matla a otlhe go kopantsha le go busetsa the pieces of the broken trust, broken heart together, justifying what could have happened, what we could or we couldn't do to prevent whatever happened from happening . We become so confused, asking ourselves where to from here.
Makgolo MmaK (my grandmother) likes to say, when something in you has broken or shattered, forget about the scattered pieces , leave them where they are, pick yourself up , dust yourself and move on with your life. Which is one hard thing one even think of doing when they are faced with the betrayal. Often time you sit or lie there starring at the broken pieces before your eyes.,trying to make sense how you can pick up the broken pieces and put them back together to their original form. Which is often impossible thing to do. Trust like promises like a heart, is just the same as glass once broken nor matter how much you try to fix it, it never takes its original form. It will always remind you of how it used to be. That's a fact.
All too often we respond to being betrayed by doubting in ourselves and our own values. We wonder how desirable we are. We may even begin to believe that we are not enough-- - thin enough, pretty enough, attractive enough, smart enough, giving enough, easy-going enough, sexy enough, loving enough. We quickly and readily take on the responsibility for our partners' choices to look elsewhere for sex or intimacy. We rush to blame ourselves for someone else's actions.
We women are bombarded by the media with constant messages that we are not good enough. And, given our feminine natures - our relational, harmony-seeking orientation - we are apt to take on the blame for others' decisions and actions. Furthermore, our betrayers often fuel our self-critical mentality by finding fault with us and criticizing us for all sorts of perceived short falls.
STRONG WOMEN (reading this diary) - Know now, and hear me, LOUD AND CLEAR - we are not responsible for our partner's choices and actions. WE ARE FABULOUS, LOVING, and ENOUGH. We definitely have things to learn about how we got to this point in our lives, and where we are meant to go from here. And we will learn them! But, we are not to blame for this crisis in our worlds. We are more than good enough! And, there is NOTHING wrong with you!
I'm not surprised. I knew something was going on. For two long weeks the writing was on the wall.
In the midst of the horror of discovering that I've been betrayed, I felt validated and even relieved. Even though my world was falling apart, I was developing clarity. I've been experiencing the fall-out of betrayal - the energetic results of my husbands' secret live. Yet, I haven't known how to respond to my experiences. I’ve been misled and lied to and maybe even criticized for the suspicions and concerns I've raised. Somehow I have known - without totally knowing - that my husband was betraying me.
I thought of incidents where I was supposed to have questioned my husband but ignored my instincts. I never asked about his business trips, the kind of deals and projects he always told me about, and even our financial status, I was just happy when all the bills were paid, I got my allowance and everyone around has been paid. I was being spoiled. I was living my perfect life like it was golden. I never in all the years I was with him, tried to snoop in his phone or laptop or anything. Worst of all, I have never once, show interest on business matters, I let him run with everything. I trusted him that much.
I remembered that at some point, He was traveling between Durban, Cape Town, Bloemfontein and Polokwane, because of the projects he got. Not once did I wonder about him being unfaithful to me.I guess he was master of disguise, because He never once slipped up and gave me a reason to doubt or suspect him.
Whenever my husband travelled, in most cases, I did not even know the details of the hotel he was booked in. I didn't even know at times if it was Sasol business or MAKOOTA. All I knew was that he was going away on a Friday morning to Sunday night. I would always wait for him to call whenever he was away, which he always did, sometimes in a rushed way. Again, I thought he was busy building us and our kids an empire.
At that moment I remembered a lot of incidents. When it seemed like he just didn't want to spend time with me. Him being too busy with work to come home to eat dinner with us. His needs to spend time with the guys on the weekends, those big games he just couldn't miss , or him being too tired to talk and needed to decompress alone? Those RED FLAGS!!!!!!! I so much ignored.
I was really deep in thoughts, thinking of all the signs I missed. I felt so stupid, I felt so ignorant.
Everything suspicious and alarming came rushing in my thoughts. I remembered one time after the twins birth. Kevin went away with Nyiko on a business trip to China( as he claimed, I dont even know if it was even business or pleasure ) . They spend the whole week away. He only phoned me once when they landed at China. The whole week he just smsed me. When he finally came home, he was showing me pictures of places they visited.
As he was busy scrolling through his phone, I saw pictures of half - naked women. I stopped him and asked him gore ke bo mang basadi ba ba sa aparang ba mo foune ya gagwe, looking like they were posing for a porn magazine. Without any hesitation, or guilt or blinking, my husband immediately said Nyiko sent him those pics. I was mad at Nyiko, asking myself why his brother in law would send him nude and half naked pictures of woman. I wanted to confront Nyiko, but Kevin convinced me otherwise. I asked him if Nyiko was having an affair , and he denied it and said, it’s just some random pictures Nyiko got from his other friends. I was disgusted but I let it pass.
I also found a suitcase full of new clothes and gifts, almost similar to what He had bought for me. I didn't scrutinize them; I only asked him gore ke tsa mang. He said probably ke tsa Nyiko, he bought for his wife Reatlehile. I believed him. My oh so perfect husband could never lie, do wrong or betray me. How foolish could I have been maar? ..
That suitcase spend the whole week in his study, I never bothered to check it. The same Friday, I was meeting Reatli for drinks after work. I remembered the suitcase and asked DK to put it in my car, I was planning to give it to Reatli, thinking I was saving my husband a trip to Centurion.
During our lunch, I mentioned that I had her goodies from China; she said she already received hers from her husband. She even showed me her Guess handbag she had , saying its one of the many gifts Nyiko bought her from China. I told her that it means she has more. After lunch I gave her the suitcase.
Later that night Kevin came back from work and asked about it, I happily told him I saved him the trip to Centurion as I gave it to Reatli. Yoo my husband was so furious with me. Asking me why did I do such a dumb thing before asking him. He said that in that suitcase there was stuff that does not belong to Reatli but Nyiko's side chic. I was shocked. Only then I found out that Nyiko was having a side-chick, but still I never thought Kevin also had or might have one. My husband could never do wrong in my eyes. Isn’t what we all do? Defending our own husbands and carrying on as if they are holier than thou?
The way I was wrapped around believing his lies, I never once questioned everything he was saying ka Nyiko and given that they were always together, I never thought my husband would cheat on me. Nyiko was the cheater not my Kevin.
I remember how I immediately called Reatli to say I didn't know Kevin didn't take all my stuff out (thinking I was covering Nyiko’s ass, meanwhile it was my husband’s ass I was covering nxx). Reatli then told me that she opened the suitcase and the clothes were too small for her. She confronted Nyiko about them, and Nyiko said they belonged to me, but Reatli said those clothes were way too small for me also. I bet Nyiko also told her that they belonged to Kevin’s side chick. Talk about mind games. I felt bad that I didn't tell her that they belonged to her husband's mistress. Maybe she also didn’t want to tell me that they belonged to my husband’s mistress.
The very same night, Nyiko brought the suitcase back, few days later it was gone.
Ever since then, Kevin banned me to enter his study, saying I was too forward and lastig. Still, I didn't see it as red flag. I obeyed my husband and stayed far away from the study. Only DK was allowed in to clean it once a week. It didn't bother me because I had my own study, hence I could not be bothered if I was not going to his. Really? In my house? Being banned to enter certain rooms and I was happy about that?
Why was I so naïve bathong?
Why as woman (some off course) do we love to be comforted by lies and are scared to be confronted with the truth? I still feel like beating myself so hard for turning such a blind eye and ignoring the red flags that were being served to me on a platinum platter. I continued being made a fool by my husband.
Hai Chee ka nnete to be a naive woman sometimes? Talking from personal experience, we allow our husband to play and fool us so easily. Yes the bible say we need to submit, but I really think we confuse submissiveness with being doormats.
I remember days later after the suitcase story, Reatli told me that she found out that Kevin and Nyiko took to Macufe two Barbie dolls with them. She even said the reliable source told her that those Barbie looked really young. I dismissed the allegations against my loyal husband. In my heart I knew it had to be Nyiko who was with a girl not my husband. I made up my mind thinking Reatli wanted me to be worried about my husband like she was with hers. I didn’t have reason to worry, she did. Her husband was the cheater here, not mine. I refused to believe her and ignored Reatli completely. I didn't even verify the allegations nor question my husband. I even put some distance between Reatli and I. I didn’t want her to keep on painting my husband with a bad paintbrush whereas her husband was the one that was known for being ladies man and very comfortable with She’tenders.
Ladies, check out the red flags. Be vigilant, open your eyes, question everything, big or small. If we can stop being too trusting too relaxed, these man won't play us. Ask me I know. The red flags were there, but I foolishly ignored them. All these times. After all my husband was no saint that I always made him to be. And that is what hurts me the most. Its good that I never went boosting to my friends and family about my Perfect Life, I was just looking at their miserable marriages and thought to myself, “ I was blessed to have a Perfect everything”
Where was that “Perfect” life now? Perfect husband? After all, Kevin made it to a list of all cheating husbands.
I was disgusted by all those thoughts about my husband. How he betrayed me the worst possible way.
I finally got to The Duncan hotel, I parked by visitors parking as I was not sleeping over. I only needed time to think. I have done most of the thinking, beating myself up, blaming myself, questioning myself and crying all through the way here. I must say I didn't know what I was going to do. I needed to be calm and make my decision .
I went inside and headed straight to the sitting area. I checked the time, it was 19:30. The view of the sitting area overlooked the freeway, it was indeed a good view especially at that time of the night. The bright lights and softest music inside calmed me. A waitress came over to where I was seated and asked if I needed something. She gave me the menu and left. I was hungry. The last time I had eaten something was during lunch with my siblings. So I really was starving. I ordered seafood platter with half rice and half chips. Yes that much loaded platter, one that could be eaten by two people. I almost felt guilty but hey, I was eating for two. I ordered virgin strawberry daiquiri to go with the mouth-watering dinner.
The service there was five star, just like the hotel. As I waited for my food, I decided to check my phone. I had close to 30 missed calls. Mostly from Kevin. I ignored him. I even blocked his number so that he can stop bothering me. I was so mad at him. I wanted nothing to do with him. He betrayed me the worst possible way. He lied to me and I had a feeling he didn't tell me everything. Yes he said he wanted few more days to sort something out then he would be completely honest with me. What could be so worse than the sharp knife that was still piercing my heart, the knife of betrayal, lies, infidelity and broken promises and vows?
It's one thing to confirm you have cheated and lied, but to claim that you had no choice, you made a mistake, and that you never meant to hurt a person with your actions was beyond sick. How do you jeopardize your marriage to have fun with someone meaningless to you? Kevin must think I was a gullible, naive and stupid to believe him. Instead I was more hurt.
The waitress disturbed my trail of thoughts running through my mind. I snapped out of it and gave a fake smile. I was not aware I had been crying. I only became aware when she asked me if I was okay while handing me a serviette and my drink. She said whatever I was going through, she hoped that I get through it and trust in God to heal my troubled heart. I took the serviette and wiped my face and said I was okay and thanked her. She said my order will be ready in few minutes
I was busy sipping my strawberry daiquiri when I spotted a familiar person passing through the glass separating the dinning area and the bar section. I thought my eyes were playing and deceiving me. He was facing opposite direction, so I couldn’t see clearly, but his body structure and movement convinced me that it was him. But how did he know that I was here?. I thought well maybe I was mistaking him with someone else or that it was just the place reminding me of our time together in that very same hotel. But I must say he looked like Richmond. Somehow he disappeared before my eyes and walked away. Talk about look-a likes and wishful thinking. It can’t be coincidence can it?
Somehow I was relieved that it was not him or any person I knew. I was not in the mood for company or explaining my being in such a place alone that time of the night. I needed time alone to think. Not that I did a lot of thinking, most time I was in shock, despair and disappointed.
How did we end up here though? How did my husband subjected me to so much pain ? Did I see this coming but ignored it or genuinely it caught me unexpectedly? What about the red flags ? Were they so visible and instead I chose to turn a blind eye?
If you have been cheated like I have been, this is the craziness that plug your mind and thoughts. Beating yourself up. We tend to play the blaming and self-doubt game, while we are victims in all this.
Where do broken hearts goes?

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