Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 87 - Mzansi Stories

Thursday, October 15

Wizzy

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 87

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DYGO 87
The side of this woman makes me sick. If I never have to see her ever again in my Life I would be so happy. 

Unfortunately that was not possible. Ke mme wa monna waka, the man I love with all my heart. I would not want to put him in an awkward position by making him be torn apart between his love for the woman who gave birth to him and the woman he loved.

I needed to learn to forgive her, for peace and my sanity’s sake.I will truly pray for her soul. I will pray for forgiveness and tolerance.
She came in and said she forgot to tell me something. I looked at her and said nothing.

Mmatsale: “Koti, o tlo tlameha hore ha o se o ikutlwa betere, le tle kwana lapeng. You need to be cleansed off the dark shadow that is hanging over you. O tlameha go yo tlhatswiwa ka Sesotho. Fela re tla nna re bua founong hore ke tsebe go arranger. Holokile hee, ke yona ntho e ke ne ke e tletse mona. Goodbye my children, salang hantle”

What? What was that all about? Cleansing of what? Yoooo….It does not get better mo? This woman is a control freak to the core. Who does she think she is to come back and tell me all that? Why must she be the one deciding what must I do after this? Especially for a person who could pretty much have caused me all this pain? Hell No. I want nothing to do with anything that she offers. Not after the Stameta. I refuse.. Period.

Besides, I do not believe in traditional stuff. She mentioned that I needed to be cleansed ka Sesotho, nna I was a Christian. Only the blood of Jesus could cleanse me. It already did when He died on that cross. I thought, let me not even entertain her. Let me just dismiss her politely.

Nna: “Ke hantle Mme, re tla ho letsetsa . My husband and I will need to discuss this and ha setse re buisane ebile re utlwane ka taba tseo, we will tell you”

Mmatsale: “Hape ha wa tshwanela go dula lebaka le le telele. You need to do it as soon as possible so that when you are all good, le ka na la qalela go etsa ngwana e mong. You must decide fast. I will wait for your call”

She turned and left the room.. My husband just kept quite. He never uttered a word. Until I asked him what was his mom talking about. He just said it was some traditional cleansing that I have to do. He said it was nothing hectic, so I should not worry about it. I must let him know when I was ready so that we can go to Sebokeng and get it over and done with before his mom start pressuring him about it.

I thought to myself, ooh really? We do things Mamazala’s way mo lapeng le lenyalong la rona neh? She just dictates and shout ‘jump’…and we ask how high?

I cannot let her railroad us like that. Well let me speak for myself because clearly ha ele wame monna, was enjoying mommy meddling way too much to my liking.

Nna: “Hai, I don’t know about that hey? Not after what I went through with your mom earlier, blaming me for the miscarriage and forgetting that she was the one who gave me that stameta to drink and also suggesting that you somehow blames me too.”

Nna: “Do you blame me for this miscarriage Karabello?”

Kev: “Why would you think so Shuga? Why will I blame you mara? All the Doctors said it does happen in early pregnancies and it was beyond anyone’s control.”

Nna: “That’s not what your mom said or that's not how your mother interpreted what you said.”

Kev: “Ebe o rile eng Mme?, Hai. My mom can be twisted and cruel at times Shuga. Please learn to ignore her and never take to heart what she says. There is no way I could have said anything to her that suggested that I blamed you. No ways.”

Nna: “Easier said than done. Especially when she says things that are meant to be known by only you and I. She blames me for this miscarriage because you told her that I was drinking alcohol and pooping pills left right and centre. So she thought they are the cause. Tell my Kevin Tau, how do I ignore such? How did your mom know that I was on a pill and that I was drinking alcohol?”

Kev: “Calm down. A kere wa nkutlwa ke ntse kere you must ignore her. She asked me on our way here what caused the miscarriage, and I told her what the doctors told us, that it was a missed-miscarriage and explained what it meant. I further told her that you were not taking it easy, you blamed yourself for drinking alcohol and continued with your prevention pills not knowing you were pregnant. I even mentioned the Stameta and told her that she should not have given you that. My mom must have twisted that just to hurt you. She was disappointed that you had a miscarriage, maybe she was just taking it out on you. I am sorry shuga for what she said. Rest assured, I can never blame you for this. No way in hell would we have known you were pregnant? And also we had no control over the miscarriage. I know how much you wanted to give me a child. Why would I blame you Bobo?”

Well, it made sense. Let me just forget about this woman and accept that my husband does not blame me.That monster-in law must have twisted the whole story just to hurt my feelings. I must say, I was still hurt, she really hurt me. Over and over, I felt those guilty feelings of blame and shame. Was I responsible for my miscarriage or my mother in law was? Was Kevin honest and truthful about not blaming me too? I was just broken.

It was time I let the miscarriage thing to rest. Blaming and pointing fingures wont change what happened. I just need to carry on, Heal and move on. I must just put all this on God's hands.

Just then, about 20 minutes later, I started bleeding, heavily, I also passed the placenta. Few minutes after the heavy bleeding, it slowed down to virtually till there was no more blood coming out.

I was allowed to go home an hour and a half later. All was going well, my bleeding was that of a mild period, I had no pains.

I was feeling better day by day once the 'baby blues' had passed a few days after. I did cry, a lot , maybe way too much till I was tired and numb. Kevin was being too supportive. Although he was not talking much about his feelings about the miscarriage, but he was just focused on ensuring that I was ok. Somehow I was worried about him.

So far I've gone with the 'one day at a time' theory and that got me through the time. The amazing support of my wonderful husband and incredible parents and siblings also made us to pull through. But now it feels more like 'one hour at a time' and the trauma of what we actually had to physically 'get through' to get to the point where we could put all this behind us.

I took a two weeks sick leave to recuperate and be able to face the world again.
Now that my husband has gone back to work and was not constantly by my side, I was finding myself crying a lot. Our parents have returned back home and it was time for me to go back to work and start doing what I was doing few days ago, continue living my life.

How do I make sure I can put one foot in front of the other, face what I need to and not push it all down inside, only to have it bubble up at some random moment further down the track?

I was not that strong enough. I was scared to face the world. I dread the sympathy, the questions that will follow, the how are you and the ‘we know what you going through’, and the ‘we know how you feel’ and the ‘this too shall pass’.

If only people can just keep quiet and let me be. And once I am half way healed, they could ask me questions or ask me how I was…

Right now I felt it was too soon to have answers.

It is true: You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

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