Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 85 - Mzansi Stories

Thursday, October 15


Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 85


Days passed, nothing was happening. The reality had hit me, I lost my baby.

Omphi called me every day, asking if I was bleeding or clotting. Every day was the same answer. No pain, no bleeding, no clotting. I was perfectly fine.. He was now getting concerned about infections.

He said, I should go to Parklane on the coming Monday. He apparently spoke to one of his colleagues about my situation and right away his colleague advised him to ask me to come see her. I spoke to Kevin who agreed fully with my brother. It was Thursday; we decided to go on Monday the 12th January. We were going back to work, following week. So I thought, maybe I should consider alternative option to let go.

It has been a week long since the devastating news, I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever go through something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isn't like that.

Dilo tse di maswe di diragala go batho botlhe, myself included. Every person goes through pain in their lives. This was mine. I was inconsolable. Kev couldn't help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, ke ne ke bona gore , se se diragetseng, se mo kgobile maikutlo and eating him up, I could see that, inside he was dying. He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact that we lost it.

Omphi must have called both our parents, because we were receiving calls and messages of sympathy, encouragement and strength from our family members. All saying how sorry they were for our loss and wishing us, nothing but peace and blessings to get passed through our bereavement.

Kevin was really trying hard to cheer me up. But I was just not there yet. I worried about how easy for him it seemed. I was having difficulty dealing with my loss. I kept remembering his face when the blood tests revealed I was expecting a child, His child, our first child, He was so happy, but when he realized that we lost the pregnancy, he was shattered. It must have tore him up inside. I knew how it felt. But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what.

Somehow he made me feel just a little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout the ordeal. The only support I needed.

Monday morning came so fast. We headed to the Hospital. Omphi was only coming in later, so we were not going to see him until later. We went into the Dr.'s room. It was a female gynecologist. She was very bubbly and welcoming. She introduced herself as Dr Ledwaba. She spoke to us about D&C and Inducing. She told us, we should consider doing either one, today, before I endanger myself or ruins my chances of conceiving again. She said, leaving the foetus, that long in my body is highly risky. She mentioned that once we done. In the next 4 - 6 weeks, we can try again for another child. Kevin and I opted for inducing.

Dr L : “Good, let’s get this out so that you can carry on with your lives. You have a brighter future ahead"

Once we gathered our thoughts and made up our minds, to let go. I was taken to a different room. The sister came and inserted 4 hormone tablets inside my jj, behind the cervix. There was no pain, there was no discomfort.

Sister o bile a boa, told me gore o tla tla every hour to check on my progress and gore ke ya sentle naa, a bone gore botlhoko bo ntse bo ya jaang, how heavily I was bleeding and le gore blood pressure e ntse e siame naa.
Ke ne ke maketse, gonne ke ne ke sa utlwe botlhoko, go satswe madi. Le eseng pain. Nothing at all. I must have waited a full two and a half hours, nothing happening.

Kevin kept on coming to check up on me. He seemed burdened. I hurt for him, more than I was hurting for myself. I wished I could read through his heart and soul, to know what he was feeling and or thinking.

Sister came exactly three hours after the first dose. I was given a second dose orally. Ka morago ga metsotso e me tlhano, I had a little stomach cramps, it lasted for about 20 minutes, must have been the dose I was just been given. Go ile ga fella foo. Ga ke a ka ka utlwa anything else gape. I had no pain, and no bleeding. Sister came again, a nkeletsa gore ke tsamaye tsamaye, do some rounds around the ward. She said that might help a bit to push the process.

I called Kevin to come fetch me, kare reye kwa ntle. Not far from the ward, was a beautiful garden. We went down there, stayed for about 15 minutes. We spoke about everything else, except what was happening at that unfortunate moment. We got tired and decided to look for light snacks, chips & chocolate. We decided to go up the stairs, to check for a vending machine. We came down the stairs, raya ko café inside the hospital.

Ga re santse re tsamaya, ke ne ka utlwa ke tshwara ke di cramps tse ekete ke nale selomi and ka utlwa ekete go nale madi a tswang down my jj. I told Kevin, who suggested we hit back to the ward. We got there, find the sister waiting. O ne a itumetse gore its seems something was happening, though it’s going to be a long wait.

Kevin decided he was going to rush home to fetch his parents who were waiting for us there. I asked him to get me something to eat, I was starving. He left.

I dosed off for what seemed like hours. When I finally woke up, my Gynea came to check on how I was doing. She ordered the third dose 4 hours later. I told her I had bearable mild pains. She prescribed some pain relief tablets.

She left the ward. Kevin came back very quickly; he said he wanted to bring me some food first, before he could go home to fetch his parents. Yooo…He’s been away for a long time for food only? He didn't go to our house at all. Where did he go? Hai, anyway..Maybe he went somewhere to cry the pain away. Let me not question him.

He left again, this time he was going to fetch his parents and put on some lights, as it seemed like, I was in for a long wait. Just as I was lying there, talking to my mom over the phone, I had an urge to go to the toilet. Sister said whenever I was feeling that urge; I should use a bowl that she put by my bedside. Said I should put it in the toilet and let out whatever felt like coming out.

I started having horrible cramping which led to contractions that were 30 seconds apart. All of a sudden when I couldn't take it any longer, I felt a weird push and then relief. So I went to the bathroom.

When I sat down there was no controlling anything. It all gushed out onto the bowl.

The first thing to come...was a clear sack with my baby floating in it.

I knelt down to take a closer look at the sack.

Right there, in that bowl, laid our baby, perfectly formed, not bloody, about 2 inches long, matsogo le maoto not in proportion le mmele wa one le tlhogo, pele ga matlho a me, ene ele ngwana yo o feleletseng, he had eyes, mouth with tongue, fingers, and toes, so so tiny. Ngwana wa me le Karabello, a child I was supposed to carry to term.

There, before my eyes, I mourned his death, yes; It was a boy, I spotted a little mamba. I had to accept what I lost. I stood there, looking at him.I knew ke belege ngwana, le gore ke tlhokofaletswe ke ngwana, right there, I felt the peace that in as much as He never lived to meet us, I carried him in my tummy for a good 14 weeks. We shared a bond and I loved him, with every fiber of my being.

I must say, I got the closure I needed. Thank God I didn't choose surgery. I would have had so many unanswered questions. Especially about his sex, what he looked like. But there, with my own eyes, I saw the child I carried. Although I must admit, Natural miscarriages are for strong women, but I would not have wanted to have it any other way.

The death of a child is one of the saddest, most painful and incomprehensible forms of bereavement to acknowledge. When it happens, no one knows what to say, and so it becomes easier to say nothing. But for most of us who experienced one, we lost a baby. To the outside world it may not have existed yet, but it certainly did to us.

The silence can leave women feeling lonely, guilty and for some, even shameful. Guilt because our bodies failed during the first step towards motherhood, and gape le ditlhong tsa gore ka gongwe re dirile sengwe se se phoso. That’s how I was feeling.
I had a terrible feeling that I was somehow responsible, that I might have killed my own baby, unknowingly so.

That has been the hardest feeling to deal with. I had feelings of guilt & regret; I thought maybe I made the wrong decision by accepting the stameta from Mmatsale and went ahead and drank that stuff, maybe those wines I was drinking hurt my unborn child, maybe I shouldn't have refused to start a family initially when Kevin asked me...Maybe I should have refused to drink that Stameta or stopped it when Kevin asked me to.

Yes, I heard the doctor mentioning that alcohol and substance abuse can cause miscarriage, but I was not abusing alcohol or taking any drugs. Yes during the honeymoon I was dining almost every other day and I would sip a glass or two of wine now and then. When we came back, I had two weekends that I was drinking. The day I spend with Obakeng and that family gathering. I was not a heavy drinker at all, I would not even finish a bottle alone.. Yes I drank wine, could it have caused the damage? .

I was devastated by the thoughts that played over and over in my mind. Was stameta so harmful that it could kill my unborn baby? What about the alcohol I drank? And the birth control pills? I was so heartbroken, so mad and consumed with guilt.

A lot of what ifs, should haves and shouldn't haves, occupied my mind and my thoughts. I broke down and cried so hard. I killed my unborn child. I just felt sad. Really really sad.

I was crying so hard, that my chest had such an excruciating burning sensation. I didn't hear my husband and his parents come in.

I was still kneeling down, my face pinned to the bowl before my eyes. I was deep in pain, my heart broken in thousands pieces.

Kev patted me on my shoulder; I looked up, boy seeing my husband standing right there, I broke down all over again. It was as if, Kevin shifted and twisted a sharp sword that had stuck and pierced through my heart. He pulled me up. We held each other so tight; we cried and cried for eternity.

We were mourning. We lost the child we created out of Love.

They say having a baby changes a person. Boy, that is so true. As we stood in sobs and silent cries, I knew, I will never be the same. I knew, a part of me, will go with him. As much as I will never be able to hold him again, I knew I will never be whole again. Not after this...

As we break the hug, Omphi and Fifi stood behind us. I just stood there, like a zombie, saying nothing, feeling nothing, but tears just running down my face. They came closer and hugged me, and then they left us there.

Mmatsale and daddyT also came closer and we had a foursome hug. Nxoo my in-laws were also traumatized. There was sadness written all over their faces, especially DaddyT.

DaddyT: Koti, tia moyeng ngwanaka, Ntate Modimo o tla le fetisa ho se se diragetseng. You will be ok. I am really so so sorry."

My father in law bathong, he was so emotional as he spoke and comforted us. He could not even hold his tears. You could hear from his voice that he was beyond broken,hurt and beaten up. He hurt for us so much. It was like a piece of him also tore up. How I love that man to bits. He is one genuine man.He just broke down and cried.

Kevin took him by his hand and they went outside. I was left with Mmatsale.

She came closer and gave me a warm hug. We hugged for a good 3 minutes. We broke the hug and I went and sat on the bed. I was no longer crying, but I was sobbing.

Mmatsale: “Hai Koti, phepi tlhe ngwanaka, go phonyohela ke mpa ho botlhoko ele tota. I know, I have been there before Kevin was born.”

Nna: “Ke a leboha Mme. Ka nnete it’s an unbearable thing to go through. I had no idea you also had miscarriage. I am sorry to hear tlhe Mme.At least you know how I feel right now.”

Mmatsale: “Ke a tseba. Efela honna, It was beyond my control.”

I was sitting on the bed, with my knees bend down and my hands wrapped around them. My face was on top of my knees…I just raised my head and looked at her…

What was this woman insinuating? Why was hers beyond her control, wasn’t my miscarriage also beyond my control?

What exactly does she mean?

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