Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 84 - Mzansi Stories

Thursday, October 15


Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 84


I managed to sleep and woke up feeling a lot better. During the day whenever I went to the bathroom, I started to see blood - pinkish and brown in colour.

I got scared and I phoned my Gynecologist – Obgyn brother Omphile, he also said it was normal. He asked me when am I seeing my Gynea, I told him that it was on the 3rd January. He said I should relax , but if I get worse, I should go to ER and get checked. I continued with my day.

Kevin stomped out of our home, without telling me where he was heading to. Before he left, he received a call. It was probably a number he didn’t recognize because while the phone was ringing, he looked at it wondering who it could be.

He answered after three rings. I only heard him asking the person on the other end where they got his numbers from. He moved away from where we were sitting, still talking to whomever the person.

I think they spoke for 10 minutes then Kevin came back and told me that He is rushing out and that he will be back.
I could not stop him. Yooo you could see He was in such a rush. Yooo at that time when I needed him the most? On New Year’s Day nog’al? Anyway, I let it not bother me much. I carried on with my day. I was reading my pregnancy magazines and chatting to my family and all.

Kevin must have been gone for about four hours. He came back and apologized for neglecting me. I accepted his apology without even asking too many questions. After all he was back home, safe and sound and I had bigger things to worry about. The cramps I was feeling and the spotting.

We ate and watched Tv.

Later on, I decided to take a bath and had an early night. When I get to my bathroom, I spotted some red clots and I had some cramps and back pains. I managed to take a bath. I felt a bit better afterwards, must have been the hot bubble bath I took. The pain stopped completely.

My worst fears were realized later that night, New Year’s Day.

I was trying to sleep, but couldn't. Ke ne ke utlwa pain engwe, ga ke ise ke tsamaye ke e utlwa,I was really in a huge amount of pain. I was turning and tossing, holding my not so showing baby bump. I woke Kevin up. He woke up and went to the bathroom, fetched a warm towel. He started wiping me on my face, then my tummy.

The pain was excruciating, I started crying. Kevin joined in crying. He didn't know what to do. I asked him to phone abuti Omphi, who asked him to rush me to Sunninghill Emergency Room. He said he was on his way.

When we got there, I was given pain killers straight away.

The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound. He kept shaking his head. At one point he switched the machine off and on again. And started moving that thing he inserted in my jj. I was staring at the computer-like looking machine, scared as hell.
Dr was still busy checking, God knows what. I knew then, that something was terribly wrong.

I didn't know whether to cry or not. But I didn't. I had to be strong. I really didn't want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round, looking pale, I knew it would be bad news. Finally, Kevin drummed up the courage to ask the Dr what he saw on the fuzzy black-and-white screen. He shook his head again.

Dr: “I cannot find a heartbeat."

I felt lost. Dr left the room with some print out from that machine, probably to take a closer look at what he got. Kevin and I sat there not knowing if we heard the Dr correctly or not. I thought to myself, did he say, He can't find a heartbeat or he kinda find the heartbeat? My head was spinning.

Just as we were sitting there frozen, holding hands and in silence, a lady came into the room, the one who was there when we were admitted. I think it was a nurse.

Nurse: “Mr and Mrs. Tau, It does look like you had miscarried. I'm really sorry. It seems like you had a missed miscarriage?'

She just blatantly said that. My whole world came crushing….

Nna: “A what?”

I curiously asked her. After the initial shock had sunk in, she explained that the doctor had written on my notes that my baby had died at 10.5 weeks gestation. I should have been just over 13 weeks. I cannot explain why, but I felt really really sad and broken that my baby had died inside me without me knowing it.

Was it something I did or didn't do? .I didn't know what to do. She said I have to take it easy,these things do happen. She turned as she was about to leave and said the Dr will come and explain further.She left us.

These things do happen? Really? I looked at Kevin, the sadness was written all over his face, and he looked up, stopping the tears from escaping his eyes. I sat there, feeling numb from the pain that pierced through the nerves in my heart.

Just then the Dr came in.

Kevin: “what happened to my wife Dr?”

Dr: “the first clue of a missed miscarriage was that the baby's heartbeat fails to become audible on a fetal heart rate monitor by 12 weeks. Perhaps the embryo had the wrong number of chromosomes. At the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg, 23 chromosomes from each parent should meet, to make 46 in total. In a missed miscarriage, either the embryo doesn’t develop, or it doesn’t get very far and the heartbeat stops. Occasionally it happens beyond the first few weeks, perhaps at 8 or 10 weeks of gestation or even further on.

He went on and on explaining the causes and effects of my miscarriage, blah bloody blah. My ears were just blocked. I only heard him talking about what to do afterwards.

I found out that the baby had stopped growing/developing at 10 weeks. Just a week after we find out we were pregnant.

My husband kept asking questions and Dr went on explaining.

I only heard him when He said we may find it reassuring to know that we're not alone in going through this loss. Sadly, 20% of pregnancies, or one in five, end in miscarriage in the first three months of pregnancy. Be reassured that most women go on to have successful pregnancies after a missed miscarriage. It's natural to search for answers if you’ve lost a pregnancy. Sadly, early miscarriage is common, so try not to blame yourself. It’s beyond any woman’s control.

Dr: “After a missed miscarriage diagnosis, a woman often faces a choice of whether or not to seek intervention for the miscarriage. If bleeding has not yet started, which was the case with your wife, a natural miscarriage might take days or weeks to begin. Many women with this diagnosis opt for a D & C surgery in order to have the ordeal over with as quickly as possible.”

He further explained that I had 3 choices: a D&C, a natural miscarriage, or a prescription to induce.

A choice? Did I have three choices? I just lost my baby, if I had to make so many choices, I would choose for him to be alive, feeling him or her inside of me. Hearing the heartbeat and feeling the life growing inside of me. I really didn’t have any choice at all..God had the choice to save my baby or protect him/her. And unfortunately He didn’t. My unborn baby just died, I thought, with a broken spirit. A tear escaped my eye…I was broken

Your heart isn’t the only thing that sinks upon hearing those words. Everything sinks. My husband and I embraced just as we did when we first learned we were expecting, but this time there was sadness between us.

A miscarriage has been one of the most horrible things I have had to go through in my life and I never wish to experience it again, nor would I ever wish it upon someone. It left me depressed but I had my husband with me supporting me all the way. Although deep inside I blamed myself for the death of the baby, I couldn't stop wondering if He was not feeling that way towards me. Blaming me for drinking stameta.I knew how much he was looking forward to having a baby, but right now, at that unfortunate moment, that desire was crushed.

The doctor said we should not rush into deciding what to do. He said we must take our time to decide which option we going to go for. He then left.

Omphile arrived with Aus Fifi, they must have find out what happened because all they did was hugged me at the same time.

I let out a painful cry. I was saying, I killed my unborn baby, I killed it... Kev left the room. I was left with my Obgyn brother and his wife.

He was talking to me like one of his patients, explaining how miscarriage occurs and that it is never anyone's fault. He asked me what I want to do, based on the options available to me.

I told him that I decided to go with the natural miscarriage. Somehow at the corner of my heart, I was hoping that I might get home and realized that the Dr made a mistake and that my baby was still alive.

Omphi told me the pros and cons of both options. Even though the one I opted for was regarded as the most painful and also risky, he accepted my choice. He mentioned that holding on to my pregnancy might get me infections and it would delay the process of mourning the loss.

I told him that if I needed that closure, it has to be a natural miscarriage, where I see the blood and feel the pain and only after going through that, I sure will find my closure.

I couldn't care, all I knew was that, I was going to go with it, nor matter how painful it will be.

Omphi said it could take days and or weeks to finally happen. He suggested D & C but I just didn’t care, I was going to remain pregnant till Mother Nature takes place. I could not bear surgery at all. I was so terrified of needles.

Omphi realized that I was not going to change my mind. He advised Kev what to do and asked him to keep him updated on the development.

But really, I just didn't care.

I was silent all the way home as my husband drove us back home, he kept looking at me. I was miles and miles away. He then put on Cece Winans' cd...I lost myself in the lyrics of the song.

Fill my cup, Lord, I lift it up, Lord
Come and quench this thirsting in my soul
Bread from Heaven, feed me 'til I want no more
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole

I was singing inside my heart, I was heartbroken.

Kevin disturbed my thoughts and asked me to hang in there, that we will pass through this phase. He was very emotional. I couldn't blame him. We had lost our child.

Kevin said," I thought I would lose you too, because I have never seen you in so much pain before in my life. You gave me such freight. I know right now you are going through hell, so am I, but please don't ever blame yourself about this. You had no control about what happened. You heard what the doctor said. Only God knows. God's plans are not ours to question and His plans are not to hurt us but to prosper us. "

I turned around, facing my husband who was driving.It was like he said something wrong. Yooo, I jumped on his throat, well not literally, but nje with my eyes.
Nna: “God, Kevin, are you talking about God? the same God who let my child die? If his plans were to prosper us and not hurt us, why didn't He protect my innocent unborn child? Huh! I want God to tell me why he let my child die. Where was that God when my child’s heart stopped breathing? You are right, I had no control but God had. He has control over every living thing. I wonder why he didn’t save my child. When I am so loyal to Him. Please don’t tell me about God”

My husband didn’t even say anything; I guess he was shocked by my outburst. Right there, I felt so mad at God. I had turned my back on Him because I believed He turned his back on me and my child, when he let his heart stop beating. I was hurting and crying. I didn't know what to do. Praying was the last thing I thought to do. Mad as I was at God, I was not even considering calling on him. Why should I? He seems to be far away from me. Yet every single day of my Life I had spoken to him about every desire in my heart. To be a mother.

I knew all Kevin wanted was for me to be alright no matter what. I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldn't believe that one moment I was so happy, happier than I had ever been in my life and then the next minute, I was at the other end of the rope, crushed in the most hurting states. I really didn't understand why it had to happen to me.

I looked up, and loudly said "God, if you are out there, tell me why. Why me. I feel so lost, I can't see You in anything that's happening, and I'm not doing very well at walking by faith either. Why have you forsaken me at the time when only You could have helped me? Why Lord? …Why the miscarriage?..Tell me why?"

Just after uttering those words, a verse came to my mind: Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance...

For some odd reason, I felt a new, deeper joy filling my heart, giving me strength for whatever the next hours, days , weeks and months held. Ka gopola Mmathapelo, my mother, o ne a rata gore bolella gore, ga mathata a go aparela, we had all the more reason to be excited about the future. She used to say, " the bigger the mountain, the greater the view on the other side"

The drive home seemed so long, I was starting to feel the warmth around my whole waist. It was like a hot fan was blowing me up down there. A part of me believed I was still pregnant. Yes I knew at 13 and half weeks, I could not feel movement in my tummy, but the warmth that I was feeling convinced me that maybe the doctor was wrong. Maybe his machine was broken, that is why he could not feel the heartbeat or maybe my baby was just lazy to breathe and that once we left the hospital s/he woke up and started breathing. Or better yet, maybe God heard my plea and resuscitated my child back to Life. I was still pregnant. There is no way that my child was dead. No way. I was pregnant and that was just that.

I went into the house, straight to bed. All I needed was to relax and breathe in and out so that my baby can copy what I was doing and know that s/he needed to breathe.

Missed-Miscarriage? No ways, there must be something wrong with the Dr’s machine. I was feeling pregnant. Nothing and no one will tell me otherwise…I will prove that…

As I dose off, my heart was singing in joy, my mind was filled with beautiful feelings and thoughts.

I was looking forward to continue my pregnancy journey…

Was I in denial? Or was I loosing my mind?.

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