Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 88 - Mzansi Stories

Thursday, October 15

Wizzy

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 88

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DYGO 88
Days and weeks went by, since our loss. We already went back to the Gynea for our follow up. Everything has been cleared and I was all good. Physically that was, emotional scar and pain would still take a while to ever go.

My husband and I were carrying on fine. We were burying ourselves in our work. Other days were rough, but we were being each other's rocks. I prayed and praised a lot.Mama managed to come over two days after my ordeal. She helped me restore my relationship with God. After my miscarriage, I broke up with God, I was mad at him, I felt let down, I felt He turned his back on me, I felt he let my son down…I told my mom how I felt, and she prayed for me and with me…And day by day, I was beginning to have my Faith in God. We worked things out, We were back together. We were madly in love. My unconditional and unfailing love for the Man above …Nothing could shake that again.

It was time to move on with our lives ….Let go and Let God.
Kevin and I decided to put away all the baby stuff we excitedly bought.

We bought a medium sized blue box. We packed everything in the box. I asked Kevin that we should write him a letter. He agreed. We even gave him a name, Butterfly. We sat down and wrote a little letter to go inside the box with other stuff.

It read: Our Dearest Butterfly, when we found out I was pregnant with you, we knew it was a beginning of a beautiful journey.. 'The pain we felt will never go away; the worst pain we will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of our lives. It broke our hearts to lose you. We wanted tears. We wanted the promise of release if they fell. But we went for days without any. We sometimes wish we could collapse into a sobbing heap and let go of the agony bottled inside. I know I can’t and I won’t.

Death decreed that we did not have time together, let alone experience reunions when you had grown up. That we cannot show our love or annoyance towards you was not enough for Death; he attempts to add to his tragic bounty by marveling at the crown of sorrow and regret he fashioned for us.

We can only guess who you really are; the precious first few years when a parent get to know their child were taken from us. We regret that, because, you will never got to teach us how to be better parents. Yet in defiance of Death's continual harvest, we were also rewarded; we were able to see your perfect face and whenever we close our eyes, we would remember it clearly.

Despite your absence, you continue to gift us with gratitude and inspiration. In life we loved you dearly; in death we do the same.
The baby we lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always and forever. Our precious Butterfly. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy'.

We were crying as we fold the letter and tucking it in the box. It was the hardest goodbye we had to make. We wanted to put the ordeal behind us. We needed to move on so that we could heal.
Se e tlaba segopotso, se re tla bang le sona goya ka bosakhutling and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when we hopefully get pregnant again. Ke eletsa ekete, ka lengwe la malatsi a a tlang, nka bona, diaparo tse, di aperwe ke yo mongwe wa bo kgaitsadi ba ga Butterfly.

Our family and friends ask ‘how are we?’ and we wonder how they’d react if we told them exactly how we felt. How we felt so utterly devastated, wearied, drained, incomplete and broken without our child. I was thankful to those whom I could simply answer ‘"It is well" and they immediately understand.

They say when a child dies, their parents must change. This change is the important process of grief; a shedding of Death's crown of sorrow and regret. Nor matter what we lost, Kevin and I were stronger and closer than we've ever been. I went and did a butterfly tattoo near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little butterfly that was once there. That was the worst pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever.

My first pregnancy. Our first child that never was.

Weeks went by, Kevin started to drift apart. He was locking himself up, not sharing any of his feelings or thoughts. He seemed way too preoccupied; I wondered if it was still about the loss. He was being moody, angry , emotional and stuff. Ok we all grieve differently, but my husband stopped sharing his feelings with me.

He was shutting me out. I wanted to know what he was feeling or going through. I asked him few times if he was okay and he would just snap at me and said he was fine, then later he would come and apologize. It was such a rollercoaster. I decided to be patient with him. I thought he was dealing with the loss the only way he knew how. He supported me when I was down and out, so I would just do the same.

His bad mood lasted for a week then all of a sudden he was back to his own self, he was even happier. I was happy to have my husband back…I needed him more than ever.
We needed each other.

Kevin and I were happier together. We have mourned our child, prayed for strength and courage to carry on. Indeed Ntate Modimo o bile a re etella pele, a re tiisa mo moyeng, a re fa matla. We couldn't thank Him enough for his Love. Indeed "His grace was sufficient for us".

Re ne re ikokotletse ka Lentswe le matla through our ordeal. I remembered at some point after the miscarriage, Kevin and I went to church. Pastor was preaching about overcoming any huddle, trials and tribulations. He mentioned a verse from the bible saying “In this world you will be troubled, but take heart I have overcome the world.

It hit home. We had one thing to overcome, yet we were complaining about the load, yet one man was mocked, tortured and humiliated, yet he overcame the world. From that moment on, I found my peace and I knew God multiply every blessings. So whatever my loss, I will find pure joy again.

Months passed, our house was completed and we had just moved in. Things were going very well for me. My marriage was just growing day by day, my career was flourishing, I graduated with my Honors degree and registered for my MBA with Wits School of Business. I wanted to keep busy, studying was the only thing that could take my mind off a lot of things.

Kevin was still the same man I fell in love with, this time even better. Both our families were doing well. We were having lots of sex now, after over six weeks of hunger. I was normal again. My periods returned, but they were irregular. At some point I called my Gynea who suggested I must be back on a pill to make them regular and that I can stop them once I was regular. I was reluctant. I went and she prescribed me some contraceptives. I think I drank those for less than two months and discarded them. I just got tired and scared of what might happen should Kevin and I decide to conceive again.

I made a conscious decision to be off the pill period, off alcohol, off any medication that is not prescribed. I learned my lessons, I learned the hard way.. Even though Kevin and I never spoke about trying again, I didn’t want to go through what I went through.

The last time we spoke about conceiving, it didn’t went well. I refused to do the traditional cleansing, and apparently his mom told him that I might not conceive until I was cleansed. Kevin forced me to do it. I didn’t want to, especially if my mom in law was at the heart of it. I prayed about it as my mom suggested. Medically I was doing okay.

My Gynea even gave me go ahead to start, if we were ready. Kevin seemed not interested at all. So I was fine with it. Nor matter what Kevin’s mom was saying, I trusted my God. All those myth, superstitions’ and believe that I was cursed were the least of my worries; I could cast them away with a prayer.

Aus Reatli was glowing, expecting baby number two, her marriage was on the right track, with the ups and downs but overall she was happy. She and Nyiko were really working hard on their marriage. She always thank me for stopping her to divorce him.

Obakeng went through the counseling, alone, JK was still the mean ass man he's always been. Belerutwane ya mafelelo. Nothing will change him. We will have to blame it all up on his upbringing. He really has issues he must deal with first before he can be a better man. He's a possessed,arrogant and abusive jerk. Unfortunately he was my best friend's husband, and the father of my Goddaughter. I only acknowledged him on those two areas. Where one, was epic failure (being husband), and the one he was excellent on (being a father). I have no doubt for the love JK has for Minenhle. That is the only thing he got right, being such a great father.

Unlike Tiego , he has totally changed from being that sweet guy I knew to a complete control freak. With two kids, Batso felt so trapped and stuck in her marriage. We have been setting appointments to meet, apparently Mr control freak aka Tiego always gave her tough times. Batso being such a sweet lady, and not used to fighting, she lets him have the final word. I was really mad at Tiego that I stopped calling him. Batso and I spoke almost daily but whenever we spoke, cf Tiego was never home. Batso complained about how Tiego gets away with living his life and dictates how Batso should live hers. She felt so stuck mo ntlong le bana, literally being locked in. He goes as far as hiding car keys, tracking her every move. If she ever goes out, he will want proof of her whereabouts.

These two women in my life are nothing but Strong. To stand for such lifestyle, I always tell them gore ke ba rolela dihutshe. They inspired me to stick it out . One might judge them, but no one knows what they really go through. These are women who were taught, go tshwara thipa ka mo bogaleng. Their situations are really sad, and unless you are in their shoes, you would not understand.

Le nna as tsala ya bone ba le babedi,I always think about them and wonder what I would do should I be in their similar situations. But at the same time, I praised God for my own challenges and for the strength to deal with them, my way.

My mom always taught us gore, ga re le basadi, we should not get joy at the expense of another person’s happiness. Ore se tshege yo o weleng, gonne mareledi a sale pele. These two friends of mine have been dealt a wrong card by Life, and I know if they could, if it was as simple as what someone can reduce it to, they would walk away, but it was not that simple. They have weighed their options.

What I am trying to explain here is that, all marriages are different. The challenges we face are totally different, so as woman, we need to support each other against all the odds. Not mock , judge, ridicule or badmouth one another. You can never know, what's in store for you. Today you can be happy, yare ga letsatsi le dikela, wa bo ole mo gare ga seraga se sengwe se se boima. That's the kind of friend I decided to be. To laugh, rejoice, hurt and cry with my friends, throughout the friendship.

Losing a child taught me that much. Some things are just beyond our control. There are some decisions one cannot just make, especially in marriage....

You need to weigh your options. There's too much at stake when it comes to marriage.

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