Friday, October 30

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 135

DYGO 135
You know when you are going through some unpleasant time often times we find ourselves consumed with doubts, denial, regrets, and what ifs. I was sitting there and thinking what if I had stopped the wedding the first realization of possible infidelity maybe I could have been spared all this pain I was feeling. Why didn’t I trust Reatli when she told me about Kevin and Nyiko? Why did I allow my husband to have so much freedom without questioning his goings and comings? Why did I ever think that I was immune to be cheated when everyone around me was being lied to and betrayed by their spouses?
Tears came in earnest to think that, I somehow allowed and condone the affair because I was just too relaxed and comfortable in my marriage, my fairytale life. While sitting there rethinking and reviewing the past , I was blaming myself for being too naive, too trusting and too ignorant, I was consumed with guilt, shame, self-doubt, and remorse. I was trying to establish some sort of emotional control over the grief, betrayal and possibly loss of my marriage. At some point I turned to myself as a source of the problem. I was examining my feelings and misgivings I have previously pushed aside when believing the lies Kevin told me. I was wondering why I chose to ignore the self-protective instincts I had. I was beginning to question if I’ll ever be able to regain the trust I needed to stay married to Kevin or any relationship.
My food finally arrived and I finished the whole platter. It was delicious. I ordered another glass of strawberry daiquiri thinking afterwards I was just going to pay and leave. While waiting for my cocktail I decided to go to the bathroom. I told the waitress to hold my order till I come back. I didn't waste time in the bathroom, I just did my thing and freshened up my face. Yoo my eyes were blood-red and swollen. Yaa I cried a lot shame.
I went back to the dinning area and sat not far from the entrance. I summoned the waitress to bring my drink and the bill. For a while I was okay but the thought of going back home brought me back to tears. I Couldn't even finish my cocktail, I took out my phone and dialed my mom. Hearing her voice made me feel a lot better. We spoke for few minutes and she gave Ole the phone and also didn't talk longer. We said our goodbyes.
I asked the waitress to bring the speed point machine. She came back .I searched for my purse in the bag only to realize that I must have left my purse ko ntlung . It wasn’t in my bag, weird. I do not ever forget my purse, but today the way I rushed out of my house, it was no wonder I forgot it. I remembered that yesterday when I went to Rosebank, I took it out of my handbag and just carried it with me to the car – Kevin’s car and I must have left it in there. OH shucks, what am I going to do now? I thought I sometimes leave some small change in my car, so maybe it might be enough to cover my bill. My bill was not a lot anyway so I prayed and hoped I can get R200 plus a tip. I told the lady that I forgot the purse in my car (obviously lying), I told her to hold on to my cellphone in case she think I might run off. She said she trusted me, no need to leave my phone. She said I can go get the purse and she will wait .
Just as I stood up to leave for my car, praying inside of me that I find money or otherwise I would be forced to call Kevin to bring my purse or either one of my closest family who stayed not far from where I was. Ka utlwa ke tenega. I didn’t want anyone finding me in a Hotel, I was looking like a mess, obviously they will sense trouble and I was not ready for both the families to know that there was trouble in paradise.
As I headed to the door, omg, I bumped into him. Holly Molly. It was definitely him. The person I saw earlier... I should have known.
Three weeks ago when his wife called me to ask if I had seen or heard from him, I completely forgot about The Duncan hotel. I asked her to check all the places he could go to , but I completely forgot that whenever Rich needed some timeout, there was one place he always ran to, The Duncan. I remembered during our dating times whenever we had our fights or disagreements or whenever he needed some quiet time, he would come here. The Duncan was his haven, his safest place to hide away from everyone or everything that he could not deal with. Or whenever he needed to clear his head. Yaa.
Lefatshe le lennye ka nnete. Small world indeed.
Rich: hello Mrs T
Nna:Hey Mr D
Rich: Fancy seeing you hear
Nna: I could say the same
Rich just laughed and said I knew this was like a second home to him. I said the same. We hugged. He asked me what was I doing there and who was I with. I jokingly said I had a Ben10 with me to give me some good time so I was going back home. For a moment he seemed disappointed and asked me over and over if I was being serious. I told him I was joking and that I came there alone to clear my head. He told me he disappeared from everyone and especially his wife for almost 4weeks now.
I told him I knew all about him being kicked out of home and told him how Kedi was worried about him and how she had called me to check if I didn't know where he was and also asked me to call her if I get a lead.
He just laughed about it saying whatever Kedi was going through was not his business. She brought all that to herself. He said I should not tell her that I bumped into him nor his whereabouts. He said he was not ready to go back home. Yoo, hectic shame. He asked me if I was in a rush to go. I told him that I was quickly going to fetch my purse in the car and I was going to pay and leave. He said I should not leave and join him. I jokingly told him that I will stay on condition that he will settle my bill - obviously he can afford that and that meant that I was staying behind a few more minutes with him, besides I didn't know if I would find money in my car nor I was in no rush to go back home to face that cheater of mine. Few minutes with Rich wont hurt. We will be drowning our sorrows asking ourselves " WHY DID WE GET MARRIED"
He told me he came down to order his dinner. So since I was there he would just put it in his tab and order dinner for us and then we could catch up. I told him I already ate my dinner alone in the very same place. He asked me to at least let him buy me dessert. I agreed. He said he would not eat alone, so he would just order for himself and join me for dessert. He would eat alone , later in his room.
We headed back inside the dinning area where I was seated. My half filled glass of strawberry daiquiri still lying on the table. He smiled and asked if I was sitting there alone. I laughed and asked him why. He pointed at the glass lying on the table. I just nodded. He said he knew me too well.
He excused himself and went to the counter as we waited long without anyone coming to take our orders, besides we were standing just by the door for longer. Rich told the lady that was serving me to put my bill into his tab. I think maybe the waitress thought we were leaving hence she did not offer her services. Rich didn't take long. He came back and took a seat. He asked me about my kids, and how motherhood was and stuff. I told him how I have enjoyed the journey and even told him that we had celebrated their first birthday yesterday.
He also told me everything about Warona, especially about the fact that Portia had lied to some guy about paternity of their son blah blah. He was so shocked to learn about the identity of the people who raised his son. He could not believe that my sister was Warona’s stepmother since birth. We laughed about how things worked out. He briefly told me everything about his fight with Kedi and how he ended up in The Duncan hotel.
I told him about Fikile and what happened in the afternoon. He was saddened by Fikile’s passing. He really adored her. They were very close back then ko Varsity. He used to call her Georgina Wabani and Fikile called him George Wabani. When it came to fashion and brands, the two fashion gurus loved Georgia Armani so much, hence the pet names. Rich even shed a tear to learn that Obinna did all those to Fikile and their child.
I remembered that I didn’t even tell Kedi about Fikile’s death. I was too preoccupied with my husband’s infidelity and planning the kids’ birthday. I felt so bad. I thought how did my life became so unpleasant maar? There is a say that people we love are the ones who hurt us the most. Is waar. Kedi really hurt me. She was my best friend at some point, we did things together, we cried together and we vowed to have each other's back, but now I could not even remember that she was our friend ( Fikile and I ), I was hurt that I could not even tell her that Fiks was late. Guilt and anger came rushing into my adrenaline. Then I thought about Kevin , my heart became heavy and I felt tears welling up through my eyes.
Rich pulled my hands over and looked me straight in the eyes and asked me what's going on. He said he had known me for a very long time. He could see that I was hurting and crying. He even said my eyes gave it away. He said the first thing he saw when we hugged earlier were my swollen red hurt eyes. Obviously he had seen me before looking like that, when he was the one who had caused me pain.
I shook my head trying to hold the tears that I felt were coming faster. Especially thinking about how he used to make me cry. How he had broke my heart many times before. With him I already knew he was a heartbreaker but Kevin? I thought the pain Rich ever caused me was nothing compared to the way my husband had hurt me. Right there I just broke down and cried.
Rich was about to stand up and come to where I was seated when a waiter came with tiramisu cake and cheesecake, and a glass of wine and strawberry daiquiri. I wiped my eyes and gazed towards him and asked the gentleman where was Princess ( the waitress that served me earlier). He said she was busy with other customers. I thought, Rich really knew me too well. Nothing soothes my heart like the mouth-watering tiramisu cake oh and my strawberry daiquiri. He didn't even ask me what I wanted, he just knew what I needed to eat and drink when feeling like that. We ate in silence.
For a long moment we stayed that way, our eyes locked. The expression on my face told him everything he already knew-that I was heartbroken and that my husband was the reason. Rich summoned the waitress to come to our table and asked him to carry our orders to the bar area opposite the dinning area. I looked at him surprised as to why. He told me that there are private spots with couches that side of the bar section so we could be comfortable. I already finished my slice of cake, I had only sipped my strawberry daiquiri twice. It tasted awful compared to the two I drank earlier. I thought maybe it was the sugary taste of tiramisu cake in my mouth combined with sugary strawberries in my drink.
Rich stood up and took my hand as he helped me up. We walked across the glass door to the bar area. Indeed, the bar set up was more private and cozy. We sat together on a sofa. I was busy drinking my not so delicious strawberry daiquiri when Rich inched closer and gently put his hand on my thighs and asked me if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me or making me so sad.
The touch of his skin was electrifying, and I couldn't speak, could barely think. Everything in me knew I should break free, find some excuse to change seats or distract him from making contact. But in that moment I was carried back to another place and time, back to the days when sitting together that way was as easy as breathing.
What am I doing, Lord. Feeling like this? With another man’s embrace and forbidden touch?
I dismissed my inappropriate thoughts running through my mind. I looked up and my eyes met his. There was no spark or attraction, only a kindness that surrounded me with comfort. We were two old friends whose grown-up lives had taken us in different directions. But we were friends who still cared deeply. As our eyes held, I was frustrated to feel tears welling up again.
Without saying a word, he came closer to me and wrapped his arms tenderly around me, pulling me into a hug that erased the years we were apart, in an instant.
A combination of feelings consumed my heart.
I realized I was once grateful for his love and broken-hearted at the distance time and the circumstances that had placed between us.
There in that corner of the Duncan hotel bar; in his presence I suddenly felt the loss of him more deeply, and that grief piled onto all the rest, made me erupt into fresh sobs. Rich lowered his head so that it hovered next to mine, and his hand worked soothing circles into the small of my back. All he could say was “Shhh... it's okay, Mabhebheza. I’m here for you.
Hearing him call me that name send a chill into my spine and his words acted like a balm to my soul, and I ached at having gone so long without hearing him calling me Mabhebheza. I pulled away and our eyes met again. He searched the secret place of my soul for a long while, as if he was reading my heart. He asked again if I wanted to talk about it.
I was not about to tell my ex boyfriend how my husband cheated and betrayed me. I didn't even want to mention the pregnancy. I just couldn't bring myself to open up especially to the ex boyfriend that also broke my heart and went and married my friend. I just said I was going through some unpleasant stuff but I will sort them out. I just said I had a fight with my husband and that was the reason. I told him that I don't want to talk about it.
My second glass of strawberry daiquiri since I've sat together with Rich was almost half empty. He asked if I needed another glass. For some odd reason that awful taste I tasted earlier was gone. I was really enjoying it. So I nodded. I watched as Rich stood up to go get refills for both of us. I must say being with him felt natural and I was enjoying his company. For a while I had forgotten about the sharp knife of betrayal that my husband pierced through my heart.
I was thinking if I was not pregnant, I would be drinking alcohol to numb the pain. But I guess the virgin strawberry daiquiri was doing just that, it was soothing my heart with its sweetness and Rich was amazingly awesome company. Rich came back with our drinks. We sat and chatted about this and that. He was very sweet I must say. He reminded me of the last time we were seeing each other after we broke up at club Coco. We had so much fun. but I had to cut it out to focus on my Morris Chestnut, mm little did I know he would one day break my heart like this. I shrugged off my thoughts about Kev and Rich. I just needed to relax and forget everything else, just for a little while.
He was such a gentleman. He kept going to get us more drinks. I was really enjoying myself even stood up and danced. Rich joined me. We slow danced to Alicia Key's No one. We hugged for a while. As I fell into his arms, Rich might understood that I merely meant to hug him, but between the thrill I felt and his enticing scent, was it any wonder we both wanted more than a simple embrace? What should have been an innocent hug swiftly accelerated into desire as his body touched mine. I could feel the heat, the very own pulse, as his lips covered mine. Parting them with his tongue I could taste peppermint in his mouth. I just couldn't get enough.
I wanted –needed –craved to taste all of him. To touch all of him. Yet when he pulled me closer, I groaned deep inside my throat and gently pushed him away.
Holly sh*t! What am I doing? Obonolo MaKananelo Kimberly Tau what the freakadel are you getting yourself into?
Is that ‘the moment of weakness’ that got my husband into this mess we were facing? Oh Jeso, lead me not into this temptation, not now, not in my weakness, certainly not with this man in front of me....

DYGO 135 cont.
I ran towards the bathrooms. Running away from temptation that was starring and knocking down my life. A million regrets jumping inside my head. What on earth was I doing here with Richmond Dikgale? I need to be home with my husband facing our problems not here creating more. Its true Kevin hurt me so bad, but two wrongs don’t make a right. I need to get the hell out of this Hotel before I do some crazy stuff that I will regret ...
Awash with guilt, I pushed open the bathroom door and entered. I was feeling so awful. I swear, I could not remember exactly when I've ever had so many things over which I had absolutely no control of. I thought that was my cue to get going. I checked my watch, yoo was it this late? I really lost track of time. I thought of the reason I was in that foreign bathroom, I ran away from my husband and now I was busy smooching my ex boyfriend in the middle of the Duncan hotel bar. What was I thinking? But off course I hadn't been thinking.
My intention was to go back to where Rich was, grab my bag and hit the road. I knew Kevin was worried sick about me. At 22h30 I was not home? Yoo, this was not right at all, justified yes but totally wrong. I got there, Rich had gotten me another glass of strawberry daiquiri. I was really feeling high, light-headedness, and a bit off balance. I was feeling very weird. I gulped my glass like it was water, Rich even asked me to slowdown. I told him to chill. I thought it was one for the road. I took my handbag and tried to stand up and leave. I don't know what happened but something must have tripped me because I landed on the floor and hurt my ankle.
Rich asked for the ice packet to put on my ankle. It was not so bad but I was feeling a little pain. Rich rubbed my feet and placed that ice on until it felt a lot better. I managed to limp my way to the car, Rich was following me saying I can't drive in my state. I could not understand why He was fussing about me not going to be able to drive in my state. I was not badly hurt, I only twisted my ankle not broke it. I got inside the car and waved him goodbye.
Just as I turn on the engine , I felt sick, so nauseous and my stomach convulsed again and again as I lost the food I ate earlier. When I was finished, I felt worse. Right there I got so emotional and started crying. Rich came closer and realized what happened. He pulled me out, locked the car and carried me back inside the hotel straight to his room. I was crying, hysterically so. It was tears of guilt, pain, hurt, disappointment, and fear of my future, all combined.
He darted through his room. I felt so sick again, I needed to throw up. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. I rinsed my mouth, clutched my sides, and made my way slowly to his bedroom. I was still limping. Rich looked at me with worrying eyes. He asked me if I was okay and what was I thinking to drive in that state. Still I could not understand why He kept saying that I was in some state.
He was really worried about me. He even said I scared the hell out of him, and that he would not let me drive home like that.
He asked me if he should call or sms my husband the location for him to come fetch me instead of wanting to risk my life by driving in such a state. I refused point blank . Why must my ex call my husband? Yoo. I grabbed my handbag and told him I was leaving and he should not try to stop me. Snatching my handbag from my hands and dropping it to the floor, he grabbed me by the arms.
Rich: “Mabhebheza are you out of your mind, driving this time of the night in your state? “
Nna: What state will that be Richmond? For heaven’s sake I am not drunk, I am not high nor my foot is not broken. I drive an automatic, so I will be good to drive. Dainfern is just around the corner. Stop trying to play the concerned boyfriend. I don’t need you to lecture me. All I need is get the hell out of here and go home.
We fought for my handbag. He was too strong for me to keep wrestling with. I gave up and started crying again. He held me in his arms. As he scowled down at me, I lost all the ability to argue. He’d surprised me with his anger, but he’d darned near knocked my senseless with his warmth. I could feel it in his probing brown gaze, burrowing down into the centre of my body. It was there in his firm grip, strong grasp, in the tiny space between us.
The whole room was too warm, I thought distractedly. Steamy, almost, and causing tiny beads of moisture to collect on his bare chest, I felt that languid pull makgareng ga rona, an underlying current too strong to resist. Ke ne ke batla go lwantsha maikutlo a me, I knew it in some hazy part of my mind, but I could not remember how and why? And then it was too late.
Pulling me against him., Rich took my mouth like a conquering hero, pure onslaught, no mercy not even remorse. I might have whimpered a protest, low in my throat, but neither of us paid the least attention. Neither had the slightest doubt about my eventual surrender. Opening my mouth to him, I could feel a quickening inside of me, excitement pooling with need. Yooo it's been a while since I've felt this way. I reached up for his neck, sliding my fingers into his bald head, clinging to him as if my life depended on it. As he explored my mouth, I could feel his low groan mumble through me. My jell jar (aka jj) was feeling excited.
Tears welled up into my eyes for what was about to happen.
The moment changed, and the electricity that had always been between us was now stronger than it had ever been. Our faces were inches from each other, and in a desperate move to stop myself from doing something I’d regret, I tried to conjure up the good times I had shared with my husband Kevin.
But not a single memory would take shape, instead I only thought of the good times I had shared with Rich during our dating times. I know it was wrong in all senses, but I was not about to be the only holier than thou person in our marriage who did sensible things.
As if Rich was reading my mind when I thought what was happening was wrong he put his head over my neck.
Rich: I know it’s wrong. I can stop if you want me to.
Nna: I don’t want you to stop.
Rich: Are you sure? I don’t want to take advantage of you...
I nodded, Rich’s voice was the gentle whisper, soft as silk against my face. He continued,
How could something so wrong feel so right? No one has ever turned me so on the way you have...and you still do...I guess its because....
I distracted him by kissing his mouth to shut up and continue kissing me back...I didn’t want to hear anything from him. I knew no words nor promises would make me change my mind about continuing what we were about to cook. Rich pulled out and looked at me...
I asked him what’s wrong? Doesn’t he find me desirable or sexy anymore?
He kept talking about not wanting to do something that
I might regret and end up resenting him and get myself into deep sh*t...I looked at him with shock and said he should not care about the aftermath...I would handle it.... He held my hands and said.... But I .... I still love you Mabhebheza
His grip on my waist gradually tightened, and his face nuzzled against mine. The breeze all but disappeared in the warmth of his embrace, and I was caught in a tidal wave I could not fight and well, I did not want to fight.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember all that was important and right and true about my faith, my belief in God and in marriage and forever. But all I could feel was Richmond Dikgale in my arms. Rich kept pulling out and whispering I Love you Mabhebheza.
His words felt as if they were whispered into my soul.
I could no longer remember the reasons I wanted to stay married to Kevin, the reasons I hadn’t stayed with Rich all those years. All of it was gone, and in its place was only the sweetest feeling, the most incredible sensation I could ever remember having for quite sometime.
What did it matter if I kissed him, if I stole this one moment to imagine what life might have been like if we’d stayed together? Surely God wouldn’t hold this against me after all Kevin had done. All that Kevin was doing. Sinking our marriageship deep into an ocean.
He held me so close I could barely breath, but I was not complaining. I wanted that. I wanted it so much my knees buckled with yearning. My husband denied me this for far too long. I was not complaining because I thought he was too busy and too tired. I felt for him hence I never bothered him gante he was busy sexing Lsg/Sheryl while I stayed starved. Well not anymore. Two can play this game. He fucked our marriage, and now I was about to let my ex fuck me up. I didn't care.
As if my bones were indeed melting, Rich shifted his arms beneath my knees to lift me up against his chest, never once breaking our kiss. Carrying me to the bed, He pulled away slowly, reluctantly, to place me on the silky sheets. It was all I could do not to reach up and tug his head back down to my own. But then he too was not on the bed, kneeling over me, yanking my top over my head. As he gazed down at my fierce concentration, I could feel my nipples tighten, the air brushing against them.
Then his hands were on me, moving so wonderful, incredible and magical, trailing up my sides, stroking my breasts, squeezing them, making the nipples go rock hard with desire. Leaning down, he kissed them, devoured them, sending shock waves of pleasure rocketing through my body as his rough chin scraped my tender flesh. Slipping his fingers under the waistband of the sweat pants ,he slid them down over my thighs, my knees, my feet. I could feel my toes wriggling as he tossed the pants to the floor, I could sense them curling with pleasure when he turned his attention back to my naked and trembling body.
Aowa it's not fair. I said with a raspy voice. “ these have to go. “ with a flick of the wrist, I yanked down his pants and flung them down the floor with my own clothing. Visibly aroused, I could see lamamba greeting me, and then my jelly jar smiled and blushed with excitement. Rich took me by the arms with a low, soft moan and rolled me on top of him. Kissing him, exploring every inch of his body with my hands as he continued caressing mine. I reeled with sensation. I threw back my head, reveling as he brought every nerve ending to sweet, throbbing life. I could feel myself soaring higher and higher with every stroke. Low, soft moans erupted in my throat, increasing with urgency, until with a moan of his own, he rolled me underneath himself again and parted my legs.
Breathless with anticipation, eager to feel his lamamba inside of my jj, I reached up to encircle his neck. As I did, I was knocked out of orbit. Reality knocked on my head. This was extremely wrong. First came denial, as I shook my head and shedding a tear. Next came regret, in the form of a long, slow sigh racking my body and finally came acceptance, as with a low muttered oath, I tried to push him off me. Attuned to his every breath, I felt Rich tense above me, his every last muscle clenching, but it took another rude knock to bring me all the way back to my senses.
He ran his fingertips up along the sides of my neck, my face, and I did the same, feeling the outline of his jaw, breathing in the scents of his cologne as our kiss grew more urgent. His hands trembled, and our breathing grew shaky and synchronized in a way that betrayed the urgency I knew we were both feeling.....
Fresh tears stung at my eyes. Who was I kidding? Being with Rich this way- feeling his lips against mine, his touch on my skin- ke ne ke ikutlwa e kete ke mosadi a nyorilwe, ekete I would die of that thirst. I knew the more of these few sips I would continue sipping, would only leave me desperate for more.
Suddenly I knew I had to make a choice to stop. I called his name and I broke away, tears spilling onto my cheeks as his lips found mine once more. But even as we kissed, I shook my head. I wanted nothing more than losing myself into Rich's arms and indulged my body and never give Kevin Tau another thought.
But there was one problem: I couldn’t live with myself if I did.
Eseng ka ntlha ya Kevin or our shattered marriage but because of the intimate relationship I shared with the Lord and the promises and vows I made before my family and Him the Almighty. If I let myself give in to those feelings now, Rich and I would both lose because there was no way God could honour this, not even for a moment. Even though God knew how weakened, broken, and desperately needed that. I was about to commit the greatest sin ever, and betray God, my marriage, myself and my values.
Mabhebheza ke eng wa lla, are you crying? Rich was breathing so hard, and by the dim light of the crescent moon I saw my desire mirrored in his eyes. His breath was warm on my lips as he brushed his fingers across my cheek and wiped my trail of tears. Nor matter how badly I wanted to follow my feelings and respond to what my body ached for, to continue kissing him over and over again, an urgency was building in me. One that insisted that I should grab my handbag and run as fast as I could before everything I believed in, everything I stood for, disappeared in a single instant.
Ntate Modimo give me strength. Lead me not into temptation. I quietly whispered those words and put my hands on Rich's shoulders and pushed firmly enough to create a space between us, forcing myself to say the two most difficult words I could ever remember saying during such a heated moment. Ga nkitla (I can’t). I stood up, picking my up my clothes from the floor and covered my body with the sheet and planning to head to the bathroom, dress up and leave that room, that man and that hotel as fast as I could.
I was feeling very faint, more like dizzy. I needed to throw up again. I sat down next to him as I felt like I was about to fall from my dizziness. I looked down and letting my forehead come to rest against his chest.
Nna: I can’t Rich...I am sorry...
Tears flooded my eyes again, but this time the words came out easier, with enough conviction that I could almost feel Rich pulling away, grabbing hold of his heart. I almost felt guilty for leading him on and looking at lamamba didn’t make my decision to stop any easier.
My body lusted for lamamba ,I wanted to indulge and enjoy such affection from my ex boyfriend.
But he ain't my husband. I moved my face towards him just to give him a peck on his forehead and then leave. Rich just pulled me closer and kissed me so deep. My body felt the chills. I don’t want to lie but I was having so much pleasure that I was confused as to whether to stop him or not...
I let him kiss me , in my head I thought....One last kiss, for old times sake....

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