Tuesday, November 3

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 137 (Part A)

DYGO 137
My drive home was filled with so much bitter-sweet thoughts, guilt and lots of planning. To be honest, I did not know what I was going to do. Maybe Rich was right, Kev was a first time offender since we have been dating and till our marriage. Maybe he deserved a second chance. Can I live with myself knowing I walked on my marriage without at least trying to work things out? Or giving my husband a benefit of a doubt? Maybe hear him out ?
I was also not so innocent and pure anymore. After what happened last night, it was clear that a human being can get herself/himself into sh*t that was not planned or intentional. Maybe I need to look at his betrayal with that eye that I’d expect him to look at mine had I went ahead and slept with Rich. What would I want him to do, react, behave or decide? Would I want him to file for divorce? Walk away from me and the kids? Or forgive and fight for our marriage? Yes I am not condoning his cheating and betrayal, but who am I to judge?
I got home, took a shower and went straight to bed. I was really tired and needed to forget about everything that happened and what lies ahead.
Its been a long day. I just woke up from my long afternoon nap when Kevin entered our bedroom. I was reading my novel, just to keep my mind from thinking about what was happening in my life.
Kevin came closer to me to give me a kiss, I just could not. I let him put it on my cheek instead. He was disappointed, but I could not care.
My husband’s affair not only shattered my understanding of the past, it destroyed my assumptions of my husband and of the future. I felt as though my husband was now a stranger. I didn’t know what he wanted in life, who he valued, or where he wanted to go. I didn’t even know if he truly loved me. I had no idea where we would end up. Reconciled? Divorced? Happy? Enraged? Dealing with yet another affair? I needed the details of my husbands affair in order to understand his mind set, the nature of their relationship, and what it meant to him so that I could know what and who I was dealing with, evaluate the risk I was taking by giving him another chance (if was even worth giving him another chance), and decide how to move forward into the future.
We spoke about the doctor’s appointment and he asked me how it went. I just said it went well. I gave him the pictures of the baby’s scan from the doctor. He asked me if I was able to see the gender/sex of the baby. I told him that I didn’t. He went on saying he was praying for a little boy blah blah...I just ignored him. I was just giving him short answers and keeping quiet. I wanted him to start a topic, anything because I didn’t know what I wanted us to discuss. One thing for sure, I was still not satisfied with whatever he told me the day before.
In my heart of hearts I wanted to be open and honest about what transpired last night wherever I was, but I decided it was not the right time to say anything because he was going to compare the two and demanded my forgiveness in return to forgive me. I did not want to deter attention . It was his platform to win my trust and love back, not compare the incomparable.
I kept my last night’s whereabouts a secret. He asked me where did I go because nobody knew where I was. I just said I went to where my heart wanted to go and I was not ready to discuss my whereabouts instead, I wanted us to discuss our way-forward.
He said he was worried about me especially because I left my purse with all my cards and money , so he was wondering how I survived the night without money. I quickly remembered that I locked that money Oluche gave me back in the car’s compartment, and immediately said I had enough money to stay away for another week wherever I went. Thank God, I remembered the money, because I didn’t want to get into it with him about where I slept, how did I pay and blah blah.. So he loosened up and I saw him relaxed.
When you love someone as much as I loved my husband, somethings you are not able to control yourself. Like looking at him and remembering how he used to make me feel, longing to see his dimpled smile and telling me that I was dreaming about everything that was happening. And that he never cheated on me. I wanted so much to just grab him and let him invade my body the only way he knew how. But somehow I kept remembering that I was mad at him. Now sitting there with him no words being spoken.
I just sat there my body steeped in the rising hormones. There seemed to be no balance, no even-keeled moments, I’d been getting heart palpitations lately. I exhaled slowly. No matter what Kevin had done by cheating and lying, I missed him so badly it hurt to breath. All I really kept wishing was to see him holding me, and telling me it was all a nightmare, that he had never cheated, and that, in fact , he would love only me until the day he died.
What had gone wrong Lord? I leaned my head back, trying to figure out in which direction my heart was travelling, and what I could do to regain control of my emotions.
The thud of my heartbeat sounded in my ears. My husband had sacrificed our marriage for a meaningless relationship?
I thought of last night with Rich and earlier when we said our goodbyes. Guilt came rushing in so strong. I was also not so innocent hey, I nearly fell into temptation and lust. Maybe I was strong enough even as drunk as I was, I managed to knock some sense into my head, thought of him,, our kids and our marriage and Mostly, Our vows and promises we made before God just to stop myself, why couldn’t Kevin stop himself? Almost two years affair? That’s not a mistake. He knew exactly what he was doing.
I blinked, willing the tears not to come out, but they were too close to the surface to be held back. The landscape of my mind was littered with questions I could not answer. I don’t know what came over me, but I heard myself whispering, “ where was God in all this trials I was facing”, just then a silent voice said to me “ Do not be afraid I will be with you. I will defend you. Yoo that was too profound.
I said “ I need you more than ever (referring to the voice that was whispering to me)”
I must have said it loud because Kevin assumed I was talking to him.
He came closer to me as he held me so tight in his arms. Kissing me softly, saying he needed me more. I giggled and felt my facade melt. In that instant everything came back about last night at the Duncan. I blinked back the memory and pulled away immediately from my husband. Thoughts of Richmond crowded my mind, right in front of Kevin .I ordered them silent . “I am sorry Lord, please help me not to think this way. Please let me know what your perfect will is for me because that’s all I want. I love Kevin so much, Ntate nthuse tlhe. Keep my mind from wandering where it shouldn’t.
For a while we just sat there, searching for each other. It was awkward. The silence was so strange. Kevin and I had never ran of things to talk about before. But that moment, sitting on that bed that we have created countless wonderful memories, we fell shot of words. We agreed that no amount of conversation could ease the temptation we both felt. And also, nothing we might talk about could take away the pain I was feeling.
Kev came way too closer,within a touching distance, looking at me with a lustful eyes and his face came closer to mine, his features frozen in anticipation. Opening my mouth with his tongue, I gave in and we kissed through our tears. As he exploded my mouth, I could feel a quickening inside my JJ, excitement pooling with need. I felt dizzy and closed my eyes. With a swift movement , he tenderly lifted my chin with his finger until our eyes met.
Kevin: “MaKananelo Tau, I never meant to hurt you Shuga. Please forgive me mofumahadi waka. I love you more than life itself, the past hours without knowing where you were and how you were broke me into zillion pieces. I cant imagine my life without you. I went crazy. Please forgive me Shugaboo. He inched closer and took my face gently in his hands. “ I love you shuga,I’ve always loved you. Tell me what to do to make things right”
His shirt was unbuttoned down, I could see his bold chest. Mmm, my inside jumped with joy. He looked all too pleased with himself. I wanted so much to dug into him and just have him. Everything in me knew I should break free. I gently pushed him away and gave him a wet peck on his forehead and got off the bed. I opened my closet and took out my robe and made my way towards the bedroom door.
Kev: Are you serious?
Nna: Yes. I need some juice
Like a thunderstorm, Kevin grabbed my hand and pulled me to where he was seated. I fell onto his lap and over the bed, he rolled over, and pressing his body down against mine as he deepened our kiss. As if a switch had been flipped, our kiss came alive, became frantic. He stood up, pulling me up towards himself. Our hands moved everywhere in desperate need to pop open the buttons, undo zippers, remove whatever stood between us. In a flurry of movement, shoes were kicked across the room, socks flew in the air, pants and shirts landed scattered on the floor.
I clung to him, drowning in sheer pleasure as he kissed my breasts, his tongue performing the same magic it had unleashed in my mouth. As if yet another switch had been flipped, a new current flowed between us, a new urgency fueled our actions. I could feel his hands on my waist, my hips ,sliding between my legs, his fingers dipping into my hot , wet jj. I arched my back offering myself to him
Nna: “Are there condoms in the house Lavo?” I whimpered into his ear. He pierced me with a shocked and unbelievably questioning look.
Kev: No, Bobo, since when do you ask such a question?
Nna: Since I’m not the only one you are screwing
Kev: Ouch, you know how to dampen my mood neh! Why mara Bobo?
Nna: hobane I do not want to endanger my unborn child’s life again. And you know I am scared of the death sentence sicknesses.
Kev: You got to be kidding me. You think I could be so reckless and contract diseases and infect you and our child? Are you serious right now. Shuga I don’t have AIDS . And what do you mean by endangering our unborn child again?
Ka emisa ditsebe. Yoo. I thought of what I nearly did last night and the booze I was pumping in my tummy with my precious child inside. I was not planning to mention those stuff to Kevin, well not now at least. Already he had cross questioned me about last night and I decided that I was not going to tell him the details of what went on at the Duncan, not as yet, not today. I decided that I was the one asking the questions now. Not him.
Nna: How do you know that for sure when you have told me yesterday that the first time you slept with her you were drunk? How do I know you had been fucking around without a condom? Do you have any idea what this affair had done to me? You keep saying she wont bother us anymore but that is my worry. Every time you want to touch me I am reminded that you had touched her the same way and that maybe you are thinking of her while making love to me. Oh have you forgotten that you were sleeping with another man’s girlfriend? How well do you know their status? Right now you are here with me, you have no idea who she is shagging and you sit there and tell me that you have no Aids? What if she does? An as we speak we are all sick? Nxxx ..Gaah Kevin maan, you singing you love me more than life itself yet you subjected and possibly exposed me to contract diseases. Nxxx I am sorry bro. Your blackmamba isn’t digging inside this jell jar until you get tested.
Kev: Bobo wee, I don’t have any sicknesses and so does Sheryl..
Nna: And you know that how?
Kev: She doesn’t look like a street-mate or a girl who goes sleeping around .She is a decent person.
Nna: oh really Kevin? Decent? Is that how you describe her to me Kevin? Me? Your wife? Is that how it’s going to be in this marriage? Sheryl this and that? Ooh and now you are a Civil engineer slash tenderpreneur slash turned medical doctor who diagnosis his patients by looking at them and know their status? E ka be ke a new way of checking if someone has STD’s and HIV these days? You just look at your slut and you tell me she is not sick because she is decent? Really? A decent girl who is dating a married man? Gaah....Ke kopa o tswe mo kamoreng e tuu.. Get the hell out this room now. Take your clothes and make yourself comfortable in one of the guests bedrooms or better yet, move out of this house and go be with Sheryl-nyana oo wa gago o decent. Nxxxxx....Fuck you Kevin Tau. You have guts monna tena. Wa nnyontsha, you disgust me. GET OUT.
You are going to stand naked in front of me yet she is the one you are protecting and defending? O ntlwaela hampe monna ke wena! You such a piece of something...Nxxx
This marriage. Is over. It is clear that you would rather let it sink than taint your mistress ‘s image. So what am I fighting for?
I am so done. I am so through.

Subscribe to this Blog via Email :