Wednesday, November 4

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 137 (Part B)

DYGO 137 cont.
I stood up as my husband made his way to the walk-in closet to fetch his clothes, I held our bedroom door waiting for him to leave the bedroom so that I could slam it on his face or behind his naked butt and lock it afterwards. He walked towards me, trying to hold my hands, and I took a few steps back so that his filthy hands do not touch me again. He looked so beaten up as he stopped and faced me and said He was really sorry and he wish he could turn back the hands of time. I shook my head and rolled my eyes, thinking, It was a little too late bro.
I threw myself on our bed, and burst in tears. Crying so hard I thought my ribs would break . The truth was so real it was suffocating. I could not begin to understand what on earth was happening to my husband. I felt so hurt, so shattered. Maybe I had to accept that my husband was no longer the man I married. Maybe it was time I accepted that my marriage was over. Maybe it was time to make plans to forget him. As it was clear his plans were clearly not involving me.
You know you may find out about the betrayal when your partner tells you the truth, or you may trip over evidence, be told by someone else, or discover your partner in the act of deception. I had a bit of both, except the last one. But as I sat there, what my husband just said, felt like I caught him in the act. But, no matter how the reality begins to come to you, it will rock you to your very core. In fact, betrayal may well be the cruellest and most painful relationship challenge you will ever face. It's devastating. And, it has the potential to undermine and destroy you forever… How dare can he speak to me like that, worse about his floozy and protect her over me?
I don’t now what time I stopped crying and fell asleep, but sometime around three in the morning , my heart began skipping about in irregular patterns. Sweat broke across my forehead and I felt flushed. I knew exactly what was happening. I recognized the symptoms. I was having yet another anxiety/panic attack. Oh no. I cannot let this attacks get the best of me. Hell no. I am not going back to hospital. I refuse. I needed to be strong. Now more than ever.
The first thing that came to my mind was my bible. I sat down and reached for my comfort drug. I looked above and asked God to show me something I can lean on , the peace that surpasses everything. Lord, I feared that I might not make it through the night. My heart was beating faster than normal.
As I flip through the pages of my bible, I was drawn into book of Psalms and began skimming verses. I needed the Lord’s promises of peace and or vengeance or at the very least, deliverance.
Just as I continued flipping, I remembered a verse, the one that always comes to mind whenever I reach the end of myself. When my need for a savior is the greatest of all : My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. From deep in the sea of pain my feet hit the ground.
I repeated the verse in my mind again and again, letting the meaning wash over me. I whispered the words as a tear made its way down my cheeks. I knew I couldn’t do anything at that time. God will be my strength, not just of my heart, but of my body, my soul and the life of my unborn child’s also. I have been crying for far too much since I got pregnant. Poor life must be in distress as well. I needed to get myself together, for my baby’s sake. S/he doesn’t deserve all these.
I wiped my tears and just gazed at my bible, still flipping through it. Just then a verse caught my eyes. It was Psalm 50:15 : Call upon me in the day of trouble, I will deliver you , and you will honour me.
Nothing about what Kevin had done was honourable, in fact, I felt so ashamed for him, for both of us. But here in God’s word, among all the promises that would always be true, was one that seemed written just for me. To think God would not only deliver me but also give me a chance to somehow honour him in the midst of this disaster. It was enough to make my heart return to normal and the flushed feelings fade.
I closed my bible, switched off the lights, and lay there repeating the verses in the dark.
For this post, however, I’d like to remind myself (and of course, my Dygo readers!) of the power of praying for your spouse and for your marriages/relationships. For Christians, the power of prayer is something we readily acknowledge but too often forget in practice. This tendency to forget is probably because we haven’t had the deep revelation of what prayer is and why we do it. I also hope it reminds us of the purpose and power of prayer as well as our position as those who pray .
It’s not up to us to try and maintain a perfect marriage. But it is up to us to continue believing God’s Word and trusting Him in the midst of temptation and sin. In trials and tribulations....we need to remember who our faithful father is.
When we inevitably fall short, we need to repent. (That’s not a word culture loves to hear, but there it is…)
When we struggle with unbelief, we must cry out to the Father to help us with our unbelief. The psalmist reminds us in Psalm 16:11 that we will find fullness of joy; and that He will show us the path of life:
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
When the lies, deceptions and betrayals sneak in – repent and believe. Dive into His Word, remind yourself of His promises and remember the depth and power of the gospel. The next time you’re tempted to pursue “fruit” of a tree that God has forbidden, remember the enemy’s strategy is to steal from us; to kill and destroy us. But Jesus came to set us free and give us life to the full.
If only had my husband remembered God before he went and pursued the forbidden tree, we would not be here. I pondered on the word, I knew God hated divorce, I knew my marriage was worth fighting for, I knew I needed to choose forgiveness, I knew I loved my husband way too much to imagine my life without him. I knew God will help me through the journey, and I knew the answers were on my knees. The power of a praying Woman.
Through the darkness in my room, in my heart and in our marriage, I went down on my knees and prayed and poured my heart and soul out to the one and only answer to my troubles. The one who forever remains Faithfull and Trustworthy. The man above.
Praying was the only thing that got me through that night. I don’t know what time I finally slept.
When I opened my eyes, it was 8h00. Yoo, I slept like a baby. I must say I woke up with so much peace in my heart.
I remembered why I woke up alone in bed, I remembered that I chased my husband out of our marital bedroom last night after he stood in front of me and defended his girlfriend. I felt bad, but after nnyoso e a e buileng, I could not imagine the night in the same bed as him. He so deserved to sleep alone again, but I must say, I missed him terribly. I missed his touch. I missed my husband.
I decided not to let thoughts about my husband dampen my happy and peaceful mood.
As I consider my life, the days that are full to the brim with trials, the journey that seems to be leading me through valleys, deserts, and mountains too high for me to climb, I often thank God for the mercies that are new each morning. In fact, if you are in earshot of me you might very well hear me say, “God gives us mercies new every morning because He knows we use them all up before noon.”
When we’re going through a trial we can know with all our hearts that His mercy is there, but we doubt if we “feel” His mercy present in our lives. His mercies are never lacking. They are perfect not only to sustain us, but to give us life abundantly!
It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.”
Indeed, new mercies we receive, every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.
I was disturbed by my phone ringing. I checked the caller id, it was my little brother Olefile. I checked the time, it was 8h30. Yoo, Kevin must have left already without saying goodbye..
This whole thing was really taking a toll on me. I was feeling tired. I felt I needed some time-out.
On the third ring I answered.
Nna: ngwana papas and mamas , how do you do?
Ole: hey sesi
Nna: So early in the morning what’s up?
Ole: I was checking up on you. O grand sis? I have been so pre-occupied with my own problems and situation I forgot to ask you how you were doing?
Nna: Ah ngwana’mma, ke sharp , what can I say?
Ole: everyone is worried about you, especially mama. Abuti Kevin phoned her late last night asking if we heard from you and that you were upset and stormed out of the house.
Nna: Askies to have worried all of you. I was in a bad space and needed some air, I lost track of time. Otherwise I am ok. (Lying through my teeth).
Ole: alright sisi. As long as you say you are fine. But please do not bottle things up , you know it’s not good for your health. Please know that you can always call me if you need to talk. I am here for you always. So as the entire O’family.
Nna: Nxooo, thanks abuti. I won’t hesitate. It means a lot to know that you guys are my rocks and will always have my back. Enough about me, how have you been?
Ole: Arg, you know whenever you are in mama’s presence, you won’t be stressed or anxious. She has been my rock and reminding me that God’s plans are not ours and that I should wait for His perfect timing. She has really comforted me.
Nna: Oh sweet. You told her about Sego issue?
Ole: Eya, I had to, it was eating me up the entire weekend. She could see I was not myself, hence I decided to tell her.
Nna: Have you heard from her? Has she tried to contact you or anything?
Ole: No she made it clear on Sunday that she was going ahead with the termination. I respect her decision and will have to live with it and move on. I also made it clear to her that if she goes ahead, with it, nna le ena we are done and that she should not contact me anymore.
Nna: Askies Ole, O tla ba sharp with time. Hang in there.
Ole: Yaa , I guess. Anyway, I will have to focus on my career and see how my life unfolds afterwards. Keep well sis, I love you neh
Nna: Keep well brother. Love you more.
We said our goodbyes and hung up.

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