Tuesday, November 17

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 142 (Part B)

Dygo 142 cont.
I must say deep inside I suspected that maybe it was Lsg. A part of me wanted to dial that number just to find out who it was. But I remembered our counselling sessions, where I was advised to stop snooping and wanting to play number one lady detective. Our therapist advised us not to go through each other’s personal stuff behind each others’ back or without permission. Kevin only said I could answer the previous call not redial the number. I thought, well the person will phone again and Kev will have to answer it. He will tell me who it was, if he wants to.
Just as I put the phone back into my handbag, it rang again. I told Kevin (in my language) that I was not her personal assistant. So I won’t answer the phone besides the person clearly wanted to speak to him not me. He insisted that I answer it. I refused and told him to answer and found out who this person was.
I gave Kevin his phone and he answered it.
I got distracted by one of the ladies screaming and pointing towards a huge elephant making a poop few metres away from our safari car. Everyone’s attention turned towards the big Elephant as it does its thing and then making some dance moves for us. We were all laughing and entertained as the guys were busy capturing the moment..
I quickly tapped my husband on his shoulder, asking if he had captured the Elephant. I was not aware that my husband was still talking on the phone. When I realised that he was talking, I quickly removed my hand off his shoulder. I overheard him saying “ Hello” several times . I thought well, maybe the person hung up upon hearing my voice or it was just network problem. I ignored my silly thoughts and moved closer towards my French friend who was so fascinated by the mammals.
I noticed that one of the tourist guy had been capturing everything oh his Camera. I asked the tourist guy to send me the clip via Bluetooth so that I could show the kids what we witnessed since Mr Tau was so focused on his phone conversation and missed the circus. The guy was so generous and send me the clip.
Five minutes through the tour, Kevin was still not back to life. It was as if he was miles away. I ignored him and focused on listening to the tour guide who was explaining some stuff to the people in the car.
Deep inside, I was taken back to those rough days shortly after the confession when I was unable to trust my husband, every phone call he received then, raised my suspicions, whenever he came back home late, I’d think he was up to no good, every time he was busy at his study, I’d be paranoid. So that paranoia got the best of me in that car. My mood changed, million thoughts ran through my mind. I shrugged my trail of thoughts running through my mind and decided to focus and enjoy the drive.
When we arrived at the drop off area around 16:00, heading to our room, there was some quietness in Kevin as we enter inside the Lodge. I decided to break the ice. I asked him how was the game drive and if he had captured a lot of memories for the kids. He just answered by nodding his head. I was tempted to ask him about the phone call but I decided against it, He would tell me whenever he deemed necessary or important that I should know.
We got to our room, I must say it was awkward. I pulled the camera and browsed through the pictures he was taking. I was not even seeing anything on there. My mind was on my husband’s sudden mood. We rarely spoke till he received a call from the Lodge to come through to the dinning hall.
He was gone for about 10 minutes. I was just admiring the sunset. He finally came back.
First thing he did , he went to the side of the bed and pulled out a wrapped box. I was stunned as to what was the occasion for me to receive a gift. He forced a smile and ask me to go ahead and opened it. I opened it.
It was a baby toy, a stuffed white eagle. I looked at him with “what is this now eyes”
Kevin went on to say he wanted a baby boy with all his heart, but God had better plans. He continued saying since this was our last pregnancy ( when we were planning to get married we decided to have three kids only.) So since we have come to the number we agreed on, he had battled with the realization that his dream of having another baby boy had ended and somehow he resented the fact that we were having a girl instead. So he wanted me to know that he had made peace with the little tinkerbell on the way and had decided to get her a first toy from daddy as a way of saying he would love her unconditional and teach her to play football. We laughed at the idea of our little girl playing football. I reminded him that he had Kaho and that he should focus on grooming him.
We hugged for a long time. I must say Kevin was acting very agitated and nervous. I wondered if it was about the dinner we were about to have, where he said he wanted to tell me something or was it about the mysterious call?
I broke the hug and decided to just strike a conversation that I was hoping might calm him or his nerves down.
Nna: Hau Lavo, of all the cute baby girls’ toys , why did you choose a White Eagle? Not a pink doll or a pink teddybear?
He said White colour symbolized that God gave him, us a clean new start, the very same new start he wanted for our little baby girl. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness and gesture. I was holding the toy in my hands, admiring the detail on the wings, the soft and delicate feel of the plush body when Kevin came closer to where I was sitting . He ran his finger over the toy and let his hand settle on mine. He was deep in thoughts for what seemed like a minute then he snapped out of his thoughts.
Lavo: You know Shuga, I chose an eagle not a doll/teddy for a reason. In this vein of thought for this gift , we can contemplate the healing messages the eagle may offer us in our daily life and the live you are carrying inside of you. When the eagle soars into our psychic vision, it may be a sign of getting prepared for symbolic cleansing rains. So I would like to believe this deals with the eagle's connection with water. Another thing I know about this birds, is that Eagle families lasts forever and one day when we’ve past all this and everything tough or challenging that our marriage/family had gone through or might go through, we’ll have our forever too. This I promise.
I blinked back the tears. I can’t say I understood what my husband was getting at, but being so sweet and sentimental, scared me even more. I was so touched beyond words. I took the Eagle and nuzzled it against my face. The white synthetic fur was whisper soft, and I could picture our little tinkerbell, a few coming months or years from now, carrying the eagle around by its wing. I was just lost in thoughts thinking about little OK TAU, with her white eagle , probably a dull grey by then from the dirt and most of the fur would be loved off....but Kevin’s words about the small, sweet toy and the meaning behind it would forever be as fresh and new as ever. A promise that we will have forever.
I didn’t see Kevin standing up from where we were seated, by the time I snapped out of the beautiful thoughts about him, he was returning back from the side of the bed, this time he had a smaller box in his hand. Ooh my God, was Kevin planning to surprise me with a new ring? And perhaps a surprise and intimate vows renewal? Just the two of us? Is that why he brought me here? I thought we would renew our vows on our anniversary month of October, what changed now? Just as Kev was about to open the box, one of the Lodge stuff member came to our space to announce that our candlelight dinner would be ready in an hour and a half.
Just then Kev checked her watch and said I should take a bath and be ready for our dinner. I stood up and prepared myself. I just wore the maternity jersey dress with my boots and a long jacket as it was freezing ( a bad timing for holiday in winter) . I finished off then Kev freshen up and changed her shirt to a jersey .
Kevin hold my hand as we made our way outside. Yoo, the Lodge staff out did themselves, the setting was gorgeous.
We sat down and just looked at each other, smiling through the lustful gazes. Hardly five minutes we were there, Kevin continued where we left off, he took out the gift box he had earlier.
He took out a gorgeous bracelet from the box. I have never seen such a simple but gorgeous bracelet. I must say I was so relieved and excited that it was not a ‘surprise ring’, hai, me and rings! Honestly I was still madly in love with my wedding ring, I cannot imagine yet a different one on my finger. Unless it was the same but with more diamonds (hehehehe)
I must say, my bracelet was so elegant and sophisticated. It was yellow gold, with Swarovski crystal stones right around. It had five gold crafted charms that were beautifully hanging on.
With his trembling hands puts he pulled my right hand towards him. I could see and feel sadness coming from him. He couldn’t look at me for a long moment; then, finally, he faced me and, with his eyes filled with tears, he was explaining what each charm symbolized or meant to him, to us, to our marriage.
First was An Eagle, he said, he loves how eagles as rain bringers segways into the cleansing theme of water and, how eagle feathers are tribal tools resonating patterns of healing within ritual. He continued to say eagles are invoked for revitalization, creation and healing purposes. That’s what our marriage needed.
The second was a Starfish's - ability to re-grow their bits and pieces, symbolizing healing and renewal that our marriage so much need. Shuga, I am not saying we can re-grow an arm if we lose one like the starfish can? Well..that's a stretch. But I am saying we can regenerate our attitudes, our beliefs, our mind-sets. We can grow knew limbs of thought that take us to higher levels of experience. We can lop off parts of our belief systems that no longer serve us. We can replace these phantom limbs with higher-minded ideals. We can cut off our bad habits, and regenerate good ones
The third was a butterfly as a symbol of transformation because of its impressive process of metamorphosis. What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature undergoes. From egg, to larvae (caterpillar), to pupa (the chrysalis or cocoon) and from the cocoon the butterfly emerges in her unfurling glory. The butterfly unquestioningly embraces the chances of her environment and her body, hence the Butterfly beckons us to keep our faith as we undergo transitions in our lives. She understands that our toiling, fretting and anger are useless against the turning tides of nature - she asks us to recognize the same. It's connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey's end we are inevitably changed - not at all the same as when we started on the path. Shugaboo I want us to look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the changes that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.
The fourth was an elegantly pieced together seven hearts flower, representing eternal love and freedom of spirit. He said the heart symbol talks about procreation; creating something wholly unique and divine from the union of partnership and the birth of something new from the culmination of sacred love. That’s the symbol of his unconditional love for me and the promise that his heart belongs to only you, seven days a weak.
Lastly was a gold key, He looked at me with teary eyes and asked me if I remember the similar key I lost when we went to Durban with the kids for his 35th birthday? I nodded remembering how broken I was when Kaho pulled my necklace and damaging it and I afterwards misplaced/lost the key pedant.
The jeweller who designed our wedding rings made us twin necklaces, as a gift. Mine had a key pedant and Kevin’s one had a keyholed heart. We have worn our necklaces ever since our honeymoon, Kev still had his and mine was since broken and the key was lost. So for Kev to include the key on my bracelet was very touching, to me it meant I found the master key to my husband’s heart, now I will be able to lock and unlock it ( in my silly mind I thought, nor wonder bo-Sheryl managed to freely let themselves in my husband’s heart, it was left unlocked, Heeeheee). But from today onwards, I hold the key to my husband’s heart period.
Kev let go of my hand as I continued admiring my bracelet and its sentimental meanings.
My husband stood up and came from behind. He took out a suede carry bag . I turned and faced towards him looked ,he had a golden heart with a keyhole and a key hanging on a necklace in his hands. I was in tears, we both were. He knelt down before me and remove his necklace from his neck. He then took out his platinum heart with keyhole pedant and hang it in the necklace he had and removed the golden heart pedant from my new necklace and placed it on his necklace and said something profound.
Lavo: Shugaboo, mother of my kids, my eternity, I give you this necklace with this key that was once lost. I also enclosed my heart for you to carry it with you everyday, from this day forth, for my heart belongs to you and only you. You own and occupy every part of it, hence I am trusting you with it. I once held on to it and selfishly protected it more than yours. So today not only do you have my whole heart you hold a master key to its doorway and you my Shuga, are the only one who holds the special key to unlock it. Further, I take your golden heart and placed it on the place where my heart used to be, so that I can look after it without breaking it, just the way I selfishly looked after mine. I want you to remember this moment for the rest of our lives. I want you to remember that I gave you free entry to my heart, not only do you have one but two access keys with you. One placed here ( pointing towards my heart) and one placed here( pulling my right hand). So mama’boyn2girls, from this moment forward, my life is in your heart and in your hands. This is to show you how much I trust you. I love you baybey, I love you so so very much Bobowapeloyaka. I would never break your precious heart ever again. I swear to you, I promise you....
With tears flooding my eyes, I took his necklace that was lying on the table top and said “ I believe that this one belong to you”, as I place it on his neck, I kissed him on top of his head and told him to look after my fragile golden heart and I promised that I would guard his strong and beautiful heart with my life.
Nna: I would love you till my dying day. I thank God for you. From today onward , you and I would carry on this journey loving and caring for each other, till death do us apart. I promise you that I would support you in everything you do and I now know that nothing is too big or too heavy for us as long as we carry it together and always invite God for guidance. I am so blessed by your love. I meant it that day when I said you Karabello Kevin Tau, O Lerato la pelo yame, the real Lav'of my Life.
I must say Kevin’s gifts and everything he said touched me in places I never thought he would ever be able to reach. But today of all other times he'd ever promised me something, I found myself believing with no doubts in my heart that my days of crying or hurting were completely over. My husband just vowed to love and look after my heart.
He pulled me from the chair and held me so close to his heart for a little while and then kissed me so softly. I pulled out and told him ‘enough about tears and sentiments , I am starving.’

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17 November 2015 at 07:13 delete

Hello Obonolo, I just wanted to let you know how much I love your diary. I admire the strength, love and warmth of your character. You are an amazing mother, husband and writer. I am extremely younger than you but reading your diary has made me strive to be the woman that you are in life. You are not perfect but you are indeed a Proverbs 31 woman. You are also a brilliant writer and I appreciate your consistency in your posting. Thank you for the great words!