Sunday, November 8

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 138 (Part B)

Dygo 138 cont.
Hhmm, ya neh! Hard core, heartfelt, epic . It brought me to tears. That letter made me remember why I was Mrs Tau, and why I vowed to love this man through eternity. The tone of the letter was too sentimental, I must say. What now? He has said his bit, and I understand what he was trying to achieve or penetrate through me. I had no doubts about my husband’s love for me, not even a slightest, tiny doubt. Karabello loved me wholeheartedly and I was deliriously head over heels in love with him. My problem was one, and one unfortunate fact. I could not get passed the Trust factor. It was so broken.
You know trust is the foundation that holds a relationship/marriage up. I tell you what is important to me and what I expect from you. If you agree to honour and respect what is important to me, I will trust you with all my heart, my feelings and thoughts. If you dishonour me by violating an agreement, by deceiving me, we’re going to have serious problems. That’s how I was feeling regarding the contents of that letter, I cannot understand what drove my husband to being unreliable, untrustworthy, a cheat and a liar. How do I know that he was not trying to soften me up just to forgive him? What guarantee do I have that he wont break the same promises he was making now?
When it comes to deception, it takes very little to violate trust.
Trust is a critical requirement for any relationship. We learn we can trust someone, and share our lives with them, because they do what they say they are going to do. We learn to trust someone because they say what they mean and mean what they say. They are trustworthy, Kevin was not, had not been, I wonder if he'd ever be. Ka nnete, ke a mo rata, empa fela ha ke mo tshepe ho hang! Not anymore and it hurts so much to feel that way about the Lav’of my Life.
If ka nnete he was willing to make amends for the betrayal, I might, if truly he was determine to work hard to be trustworthy, maybe slowly with time I might begin to trust him again.
For now it was my turn to Search in my heart of hearts and decide what to do. I was sitting on the floor not knowing how to make up of this letter. How to take everything that I have been through, what I was going through and what I will go through when he finally tells me the truth.
My husband was not forthcoming with details for quite a while. Often times I would only get the information I asked and already had evidence for. I get it ,He was ashamed, hoped to minimize my pain, had a hard time recalling the details because perhaps they were so many over so much time and – lets face it – he wanted to keep my positive view of him in tact in order to protect his ego. What he didn’t get at first was that the damage was already done, my view of him already shattered, and that the only thing I had left to hold on to was the truth. Right now on this letter he is talking about coming clean why didn’t he do it first time? How would I know he doesnt lie to me to protect himself?.
Omitting details only perpetuated the lies. In order for me to begin to trust what he told me and also to trust him in the future, I needed him to be willing to share the details of the past. I also needed him to be willing to set aside his own shame and to share the story as an act of honesty and selflessness and demonstration of commitment.
Our marriage was supposed to be a shared experience, between the two of us. Instead, I had been shut out – which was frightening. My husband had an entire second life that I had not been privy to when we were supposed to be living as a couple sharing in life’s experiences.
I went back upstairs, brushed my teeth, took a long shower just thinking of the letter. I have never been this confused in my entire life. I finished showering , lotion self and wore my maxi dress. I was planning to clean but the house was still clean. The kitchen was so spotless. I made myself some tea, and relaxed on the sofas. I had to think things through .I could not leave things hanging. I needed to make my decision so that all of us can move on with our lives. Either together or separately.
As I sat there, thinking, I came to a realization that betrayal is a breach of trust. What you counted on to be true is actually false. You were living a lie. When you've been betrayed by your beloved, your spouse, or life partner your world shatters. The person you thought you could believe in has deceived you. You are alone. You've been abandoned. You are at risk. The vows and commitments you made to one another become meaningless. You don't know who you are anymore, or who that other person really is. Your whole notion of your life history is challenged. What was real and what was not? Was the contents of the letter true, real, genuine and honest? Or it was just a way to warm up and smoother my heart so that I can forgive? Hai. More questions , less answers to my confused mind.
One thing I knew for sure, amidst the pain and the betrayal, I was still in love with my husband.
I decided to send him an email. So that when he gets home to talk, I would have told him my feelings. He will do the talking, I would do the listening, scrutinizing and building up my decision for way forward.
I headed to my study and sit down.
*** To Karabello, Father of my kids, The Lav'of my Life***
I am sorry I didn’t get to say good morning nor goodbye to you before you left for work. But I guess you understand why. Ok, I did get your letter and read it over and over. I appreciate the efforts and you acknowledging the pain you have caused me, and our marriage. True, it is so hard for me right now, because, I feel there is more to the story, the apology and other unspoken hidden stuff that prevent me to wholeheartedly decide to forgive or look past the betrayal and heartbreak.
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night ( your bachelor party) and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgement or a fuck up thrown in their face repeatedly.
No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that Sheryl/Lsg doesn’t mean anything to you or didn’t mean anything to you, and that she won’t bother “us” anymore hence you are probably asking yourself why is it such a big issue for me?
I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, whether you love or loved her or doesn’t love her or didn’t love her and whether she means or meant a lot to you or not, whether I am threatened or intimidated by her. Whether I still love you or not. I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes. Put yourself in my shoes, and then, perhaps, you will understand what this affair had done to me.
You were there. You started it, you participated in it, you kept it far away from me, you concealed it . There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can affect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.
You can move through your life with 100% of the picture of that affair you started. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or questions. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have. O tseba hantle, everything there is to know about it. The why, and how, and when did you decide to cheat on me. Lying to me, hiding it perfectly well away from me..
Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affair affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the nights, moments and times you were with her, those things that nearly if not entirely destroyed our marriage as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendos of those nights and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what brought our relationship down. What drove you into another woman’s arms.
To assume that I can just move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic,unfair and unjust and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives will ever 'feel' complete. Well I know I wont feel complete until I am satisfied with the truth. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 100 pieces puzzle and 40 random pieces are missing. According to my reality, you have only told me 60% of the story, the 40% you have hidden, withheld or concealed away from me. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.
When I ask if there was a river on such and such area of the picture you tell me to not worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a tree in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Don’t worry, Lsg won’t bother us nor be a problem to us anymore.
That’s my biggest problem. I am in the dark. I know nothing, yet I feel the worst pain. I am expected to take your word for everything you say, yet you are the same person who brought the puzzle (the affair) and withheld parts of the pieces ( the truth) to complete it yet you want me to be happy with what I have, what you have given me. No my Lavo. If you give me a puzzle, make sure its all the pieces that will make up the complete picture. Make sure I won’t have to leave some parts blank and wonder.
Ke batla hore when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you would not fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. I am entitled to full disclosure and the honest truth. I find it so unfair that you expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but yet you deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. How do I begin to trust you after what you have done to me, to our lives and our marriage? You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.
I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were that simple, but trust me, its so hard. You have truly put me in such an awkward position. I am at a crossroad, wondering which turn to take, and why? I am so confused Kev. I am trusting that today you will come clean as promised and then maybe I would know what to do afterwards.
I hope and pray that you will honour your promises as per the letter, and tell me everything. Hopefully, by tonight, I would have a completed picture of the puzzle. If you don’t seem to understand the importance of honouring an agreement, and the importance of protecting my trust in you, I am afraid we cannot and won’t have a marriage to build. One thing for sure, I would not just take everything you say, even lies and try to build a strong marriage, I would not.
So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward when I do not know what pushed you or drove you to have an affair. You cannot go on saying Sheryl wont be a problem in our marriage, when i do not even know hore, o ne a batla eng in it to start with. I need the truth, and nothing but the truth. I feel it is unfair for you to expect me to just believe you while you have lied so much about this affair for so long. You might accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.
I want you to ONLY talk to me about the affair, the forgiveness and the wayfoward when you know you are going to be totally honest with me. When you are going to tell it all. When you know you will come as clean as possible about this. Only then my Lavo, there might be a chance to save our marriage.
Deception damages a relationship. The act of lying is much more damaging than the things that are being lied about, because lying undermines the knowing of one another and the connection itself. Lavo, anything worse or small in our marriage is forgivable and i believe we can be able to work through it nor matter what - except deception and lies.
Heartbroken as I am, I still love you. And it will take more lies to make me walk out of this marriage without looking back...also, it will take the truth for me to get past it. Together you and I...But its your choice. One thing for sure, Deception is the one thing that i cannot try to work through, because to me, it denies the Problem. It is the one unforgivable sin of any relationship because it makes forgiveness unattainable. Marriage is only as strong as what it costs to protect it. You value what you invest in.
I just need to know the truth. I can really deal with whatever it is , I can handle it. But I can’t handle all the lies and surprises. The lies are killing me Kevin.
Nor matter what happens between us after tonight, I want you to know that I Love you and Always will.
See you later. I pressed send and the email was gone. I had enabled a read receipts on my email. So I was sure when notification come through that my husband did receive the email.
Now we sit and wait....and see what tomorrow holds for the Tau Residence - MAKOOTAs

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