Monday, November 9

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Broken Vows - Diary ya ga Obonolo Chapter 139 (Part 1)

Dygo 139
My husband had lived his affair one moment at a time. As though wearing blinders, he avoided considering the consequences of his actions and focused merely on what needed to be done in order to get to the next moment. The big picture of what he was participating in was pushed outside of his view. By exposing his affair to the light of day and all of the secrets it held, he could look back and face the reality of what he had done. Something that was necessary in order for him to take full responsibility for his behaviour, to recognize its impact, realize that what he was doing was hurtful, careless, intentional, and assess the affair for what it was – a shallow pursuit of validation of his ego.
Perhaps the greatest need of every betrayed spouse after deception-day is security and reassurance that this won’t happen again if they choose to stay in their marriage. The damage is so great and the experience so painful, that there is a serious drive to avoid further betrayal. My unfaithful husband told me he regretted it, that he never wanted to do it again, that he hated that he hurt me so badly, and that he’d never betray me again – but words were not enough. I needed to see tangible understanding, action and change.
I needed us to examine the details of his affair, through discussion and reconstruction of a timeline, dissection of his conversations and actions with the other woman, examination of his feelings at each pivotal moment, being transparent about the lies he told and efforts that went into his deceit, examining life circumstances before and during his affair, and even going back through the details of other smaller betrayals during our marriage – I needed the whys, how’s, and what needed to change and what I could do to help him or work with him to fix our marriage. Simply being sorry wasn’t enough, action speaks louder than words.
I was looking forward to finally knowing the truth. Hard and painful as it might be, I wanted detailed account. Simply to understand what drove him into an affair, if somehow I contributed to it or how exactly did he feel about it and whether it meant something to him.
I wanted to be able to forgive him wholeheartedly without doubts or uncertainty. I wanted to make sure that we wont be dealing with such kind of deception or betrayal ever in our lives by dealing with the root of the problem. Kevin might want to spare my feelings but I was tough enough to stand for the real truth than the part of it. If we were to save our marriage now and protect it from any future blunders, we needed to be on the same page, having equal pieces of the puzzle.
the waiting was killing me. I needed some distraction until he comes back from work.
Around 14h30 I decided to go to Greenstone to see my babies and aus Tsitsi. I really missed them. I send Kevin an sms saying where I was going and that I’d be home later. I drove to my sister’s house, thinking about my time with Rich. I was planning to be honest with my husband. If I expected the truth and honesty from him, then I should also offer the same.
I got to my sisters place, I played with the kids and even tug them in for their afternoon nap. I then went outside where Ausi Tsitsi was busy with her vegetable garden. We chatted a bit. She asked me about Sunday night. I laughed it of and told her that Kevin and I needed a short break and that I was in a bad space ( no details divulged) . I told her the news, Kevin and I are expecting little one . She was excited, and said, nor wonder I behaved like that on Sunday, it was my hormones. I just laughed. I decided to get going. I went to check if the kokoberries were still asleep, luckily they were. Ke ne ke sa batle ba lle ga ke tsamaya, already they asked me about their dad, le hore Mamo and Dike ba kae. I said goodbye to aus Tsitsi and left.
My drive home was very short, I managed to beat the William Nicole traffic. I was thinking about what lies ahead, what my future would be and how I was going to move forward.
Something that has bothered me for quite some time since the fateful night I discovered that my husband wa jola...was the use of the word, “affair,” when referring to my husband’s infidelity. The word, “affair,” just like the word, “betrayal,” is singular; as though referring to one, isolated event. As a singular word, it seems to indicate that one mistake was made, or one poor decision carried out, or one moment of weakness succumbed to, or one selfish act indulged in. But in reality, every mistake, every poor decision, every weak moment and every selfish act indulged in during my husband’s infidelity was a betrayal in itself. Each was a moment in which he made the choice to be unfaithful to our marriage; his affair was actually a string of betrayals – his affair was a collection of affairs that happened to occur with one woman.
As a betrayed spouse, when recovering from an affair, you are not processing a singular event. You are working through thousands of events; thousands of betrayals. When someone tells you that you should, “just get over your spouse’s affair,” I’d like to reply with, “You do not understand; he betrayed me countless times. It was not just a one-time occurrence as the word, ‘affair’ would have you believe.” Even a “one night stand” involves many betrayals. From the moment the spouse crosses the boundary of flirtation, to the decision of going through with the first kiss, through the removal of each item of clothing, through each sexual act – and every moment thereafter in which the unfaithful spouse conjures up lies to cover their ass – the choice to betray is made over and over. Each of these betrayals needs their own attention, understanding, reconstructing, processing, grieving, and acceptance. This takes time. Given that my husband’s affair occurred over nearly four years and involved physical and emotional components, many events took place. And within those events, many decisions were made, thoughts thought, pontifications considered and lies told. Each one, each moment, is a wound I carry and each has to heal in its own time; each varies in its depth, length, intensity, and degree of damage but even the smallest detail hurts – even a paper cut stings enough to make your eyes water.
That’s what Kevin brought to our lives, and tonight he must be able to take me through the four years he cheated on me. He need to be honest and open about everything for me to be able to begin to think about forgiving him. Ready or not, I am going to sit down and listen to the gory details of his affair with Sheryl.
I was almost by the house. I was even feeling hungry. Its been long since I ate properly. I decided that I could do with some home cooked meal, so I was planning to get home and cook dinner while I wait for Mr Tau to come talk to me. For his sake and our marriage’s sake, he better not come and feed me lies, because I cannot stomach a lot of those.
You can imagine how surprised I was to open our garage and saw Kevin’s car parked inside. I looked at my watch, it was 17h00. Mmm, that’s nice though. For the past weeks, Kevin only came home after 18h00 or later than that. So seeing him already home was just sweet. I parked my car and went inside.
Talk about sweet. Mmmm, Well well well, something smelled divine. It seemed like Mr. Tau was playing chef in the kitchen. I got even more hungrier than before. I went inside the kitchen, and could not find him. I called his name and he answered from outside the house, by the patio. He came to meet me before I could even get outside. Shame, monna wa batho! He was trying to win my heart and taking me back to where it all began. Before everything else, before the kids, before the businesses, the tenders and the She’tenders. Those times when I was all that mattered in Kevin Karabello Tau's life. I must say I was touched. He came closer and welcomed me home . He had a glass of what looked like wine in his hand. Knowing him, I was so sure it was those alcohol free wines. He kissed me on my cheeks as he handed me the glass.
I jokingly said I hope whatever was in the glass was strong enough because right at that moment I needed something very strong. Heeeheee...For a minute he believed what I said and opened his eyes wide and pierced them right into my tummy. I assured him that I was just teasing. We shared a laugh.
He extended his hand towards me, and took me to the Lounge. He looked at his watch and said dinner will be ready in half an hour, so I should go upstairs, take a quick shower before dinner. At first I didn’t want to do as he asked, but he begged me and I gave in. He said I should wear whatever I find on top of our bed. I finished drinking my wine and headed upstairs....
Just as I reach the top of the stairs, red roses were scattered on the floor right till into our bathroom. When I looked on top of our bed, there was my wedding reception dress, the same shoes I wore with it, the jewellery even the same underwear. Yaa....what was this man up to?
I ran my shower and let the steam fill my bathroom, then quickly went inside. I must say, I was touched by all the gesture and affection my husband was displaying that night. I remembered every good time I shared with him, every night I spend making love to him, every night we looked into each other’s eyes and vowed to love one another till eternity, forsaking all others....Just thinking of those times, brought me bitter sweet emotions. The sweetest was the good times we shared and the bitterness was what we were going through at that present moment. I found myself breaking down in that shower. Hardly 10 minutes I was in the shower, Kevin opened the shower door, butt naked to join me. Hee banna? And nou?
I wanted to chase him away , but something about him stopped me to , also something inside of me thought, what if this was our last shower together? What if this was the last time I’d ever lay my eyes on him like this, what if this was goodbye? So if this was the last of us like this, I might as well grab the opportunity and let go, just for now. He didn’t even utter a word, he knelt down before me, and wrapped his arms around my waist and broke down and cried. He kept saying he was sorry and that he wish he could turn back time and go back to those times we would grab any opportunity to just love, laugh and rejoice. When I worshipped the ground he walked on, when loving each other was not painful... he said he was weakened by temptation and messed up a good thing.
I was rubbing his head with my hands, asking him to stop crying over split milk, and asking him to focus on how he was planning to pick it up and try to put it back in its carton, nor matter the challenges he will have to face in doing that. I knew our lives would never be the same ever again, I knew I would never look at him the same way, I knew he hurt and broke my heart into zillion pieces, but right there in front of me, knelt a man I vowed to Love, for better for worse, in good times and bad times. Till death do us apart. Right before my eyes was the father of my kids, the Lav'of my life.
Was I stupid to want to pull him up and just kiss him and promise that Our marriage will survive this? And that we can get past the hurt? And that I forgive him wholeheartedly and that we can pick up where we left off 2 weeks ago before all this? Or would I be insensitive or cruel to just tell him that we cant undo what has been done and that this might be our last moment together? Yaa I felt tested, I felt beaten up, I felt broken....But one thing for sure, my love for this man was still as strong as a steel rod. I might be disappointed in him, hurt, betrayed and lied to, but one fact remained, I would never love anyone the way I loved this man, and I didn’t even want to love anyone else but I was too hurt to allow myself to. Karabello o nkutlwisitse botlhoko ele tota.
We cried for what felt like eternity in that shower. We cried for what we lost, what we wanted, what we might be , what we once were, what we could be and painfully what we might never recover. Broken vows. Broken promises , Broken trust and Broken pieces of our hearts. Right in that shower we held each other so tight, never wanting to let each other go, but forced by what he did to let go. Whether to let go of the love, then life and the promises of forever or to let go of the hurt, the pain, the betrayals and pick up the little that was left and let God bring back our joy. I have been so broken than I was in that shower, I was really really torn apart...
Will I ever go past the hurt? I couldn’t and I didn’t think it was even possible. The only thing left was fo me to accept that I Lost my husband. My marriage was over, and there was nothing I could do to stop ,erase, reverse and mend my broken heart. Kevin would have to work extremely hard for me to think otherwise because right now he was not trying hard enough , he just expect me to overlook the situation and move on as if nothing had happened.
Any way, let’s see how the “talk” goes, maybe, we might have a chance to save this marriage. It won’t be easy, but through God's guidance, and love we might conquer.
I am just hoping and praying that it was not too late.

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