Monday, November 2

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 2

Someone once said "The beholder of the relationship, is the one that cares less"
Two days after our union and 2 months and 17 days before he leaves for University, our relationship was more than amazing each day was better than the last, I wanted to shout my happiness to the world but I couldn't well not without my parents finding out. I come from a lower class family according to society standards, a product product of a domestic worker because my mothers job doesn't begin to define and my father has a 9-5 job what he does? I have no idea but he takes a laptop to work so it must be important again that is based on society and their standards. We have DSTV and I attend multi racial school, but my brother and sister both went to local schools which took nothing from their education. My sister moved to Joburg after matric and my brother is currently studying Marketing, according to my standards domestic workers make the best mothers. Well sometimes. I call my father dad but others call him Mthunzi and my mom is mama but those older call her Thandi, my parents and I have a basic relationship nothing to write books about but its not their fault. I prefer being an outsider, keeps me different and I love being different.
Mama"Nguwe ophekayo"
I laughed at her, she smiled back.
Mama"Fezi ngathi ulahlekile"
She analyzed my eyes, you know you fussy mothers are.
Me"Tired, trying to pass grade 11"
Couldn't tell my mother my relationship issues without telling her about getting married.
Mama"Unjalo ke wena, ibangathi awuthandwa"
When she said that, my heart broke a little but black mothers never understand without including the belt in our problems.
Me"Think Olwethu yagula"
She just nodded
Me"That's why ndingathethi because when I do, you dont listen ngathi I bore you"
She sat down and looked at me, guess that meant I can talk.
Me"Uhm Olwethu is gay"
She nodded
Me"And being gay is hard, the constant judgement can break someone and he may act brave but he is dying inside. Ngathi his problems are mine lately, like I feel empty because my pillar is dying inside and I cannot preach about ignorance without being punched or being called a coconut"
Mama"Then let his family deal with it, focus on yourself"
Me"But he is my friend"
Mama"Yes, yitshomi and sometimes we have to uqhelisana iboundries Fezeka! awunoncenda wonke umntu"
Mama"Akhonto ndizo yeka,Mntanam in this world abantu take advantage of umntu omuncu! if uzoba dom they'll show you flames"
I stood up and took my phone with me
Mama"yeke ndizopheka"
I walked to Gcobani's house, he stayed near yet far from me depending on my mood. Thinking about my conversation with Mama, how can I watch someone I love suffer and not do anything about it. I called my idiot and he picked up after the first ring as usual.
I laughed
Me"We have 10 minutes"
I dont know what is like to date someone else and some days, I wish I could maybe I am too much because in the movies I am labeled as "too much"
Gcobani"Cinga phi?"
He sat on a rock next to me
Me"Who am I?"
He laughed and I giggled too
Gcobani"Hahaha rha ne drama mntana ndini"
Not the response I was looking for but I accepted.
He stood up and we walked in silence, yet my heart spoke in volumes. I wanted to tell him what I was thinking but I couldn't without losing him or losing everything that I. believe in.
Me"Think I want out"
He held my hand tighter with saying anything then he let go.
Gcobani"That will be my pain when you let go"
Me"Andiyazi omnye umntu but you, I never experienced love because ndaqala kuwe yonke into. What if I am whats wrong with you? you'd never know because kwasoloko uhleli nam"
Gcoban"then why did we get married"
Me"Because you felt guilty! like you owe me love or something"
We walked in silence again until we reached Limba(a street) our separating point.
Gcobani"He doesn't love you, he just knows better because umdala"
I acted surprised
Me"We not dating"
Gcobani"So in the meantime ndithini mna?"
Me"You explore, love someone else just let me breathe nje kancinci"
Gcobani"Fe …"
Me"Just two months"
He walked away and I stood there watching him walk., not feeling any regret or remorse not even an ounce of guilt.
Me"I am doing this for you"
I said it as if he would hear me, although he was right there was someone and he was saying all the right things but mostly he thought I was breath taking. I decided to call him on my way home, it went to voicemail. I decided to assume he was in class, Lwazi was studying business management at Nmmu and he knew so much, he knew club owners, he could drive but most of all he found me attractive. I called again after 15 minutes.
Me"Calling to confirm tomorrow"
my heart beat accelerated fast
Lwazi"Ngathi kuzo netha, I have a test at 08:00 so I'll pick you up after that"
He wrote tests on saturday, such things fascinated me
Me"See you tomorrow"
Lwazi"Hahaha sho baby"
wasn't sure why we were laughing so I hung up, I finally got home and everyone was there . I took my food and sat next to my brother, logged in on Facebook because my dumb phone didn't support whatsapp. My inbox was filled with messages from Gcobani but one made me sob in silence
" Is this about your virginity? I know you and noba in your mind this is where oura story ends . Mfondini don't let other relationship stories narrate our future together, we are not your friends"
I wiped my tears and replied
"I love you, see you monday tata wants us to spring clean ngomso"
first of many lies*

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