Monday, November 2

Mahlatse Ramatseba

Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 22

"It hurts sometimes but you will be fine."
I realized something about me and it really needs to stop, I give the man in my life so much power. Gcobani treated me like someone who needed rescuing and I let him, then Phiwe he treats me like I cannot think! I hate that. Yet I couldn't say shit! I let him because for some stupid reason I need his love, because he makes me belong. Stupid isn't it? I mean I have my parents and two amazing siblings yet I seek a sense of belonging in men, my finals finished and I went straight home without doing that phony shit of signing shirts. I got home and my mom was there, she told me I had two letters that Sne forgot to give to me.
Me"Ziphi? "
Mom"On your bed"
I went to my room, and I new what that orange bird was which university. I cried before opening it because I already knew the drill, small envelope means rejection and UJ had just rejected me. I opened it and cried even louder because I knew my parents wanted me to go to varsity, they may have claimed not to care but I know they did. I looked at the NMMU letter and I laughed at how pathetic I was, I mean I always say I don't want Nmmu and guess what? the feeling was just as mutual. I wanted to call someone anyone, I couldn't call Kay or Yanela because I told them to fuck off, I couldn't call Mandisi because I ruined that too by dating Phiwe and he wasn't support the relationship and Thando told me to fuck off. I had Olwethu and I couldn't call him, because I felt like a burden these days. So I cried my self to sleep.
I woke up from the floor and changed to my normal clothes, I sent my sister a pls call and she called.
Me"I got rejected"
I could sense the disappointment from all the way to PE.
Lisa"Tell your parents and own up, umoshile and I won't lie ungiphoxile but it doesn't matter. Next year we will send you to a college, you not the first to fail matric"
Me"But I will be the first apha"
Lisa"You are not Sanele and I, don't you dare compare yourself to us because we have fucked up too"
I couldn't help but cry, she was disappointed and I felt like shit. I failed my trial exams, I wrote crap on my finals hence failing matric was the inevitable.
Me"Ndifuna uhlala nawe next year"
Lisa"Fey speak to your parents because uyandi xabanisa, I cannot just take you in without Bhuti saying so"
Me"But he said its fine"
Lisa"Not kum, I cannot FeyFey as much as I want to"
I felt like someone was pulling me to hell and I was not even putting up a fight, everything was just crumbling and I couldn't do anything.
Lisa"Worse you're busy no Phiwe, your cousins ex nawe uyathethisa. You know that will add more drama"
Me"Lisa! she told me its fine"
Lisa"We cannot always defend you Fey, umdala ngoku"
What was happening? my own sister was turning against me.
Lisa"Shap, I'll call you tomorrow"
She dropped the phone, this is why I felt like Phiwe is the only person that cared because everyone else was just throwing me under the bus. I sat in bed reading my rejection letters like those words would say something else.
The next morning Phiwe's call woke me up.
Phiwe"Your cousin is crazy, she just tagged you on a status saying you betrayed her and you are dating her enemy which is me"
I didn't utter a word, probably letting it all sink in"
Phiwe"I … I don't know and she has over 20 comments"
I hung up and decided to put my phone on flight mode, I sat in bed for what felt like eternity when Sanele walked in.
I wasn't but him saying that triggered my tears, I couldn't stop crying on his lap and I knew akayazi athini naye.
Sanele"I support you, no matter what! She can fuck off! Facebook? nah that was low"
Me"Should… I… apologize?"
Sanele"No! fuck her, jonga vasa uyeku Olwethu"
Me"Cela uthi aze apha"
I tilted my head
We made small talk until Olwethu arrived, we went to sit outside.
Olwethu"I hate you for crying, never cry!"
I smiled at him
Olwethu"As far as beautiful people go, you are amazing! You should never ever allow anyone or anything take that away from you"
He kissed my forehead
Me"I needed that"
We decided on playing our favorite game "Say it in a song", I laughed at him singing Man who cannot be moved by The Script.
Me"Hahaha going back to the corner? what corner when our parents forced us to be friends"
Olwethu"And we've been inseparable ever since "
I smiled.
Me"Thank you, for always being there"
Olwethu"Thank for never judging"
Everything around me was crumbling but my friendship with Olwethu made sense. I took my phone and sent a text I should have sent a long time ago.
"I never meant to hurt you"
I needed to mend things with Gcobani, but I don't want him back just want us to be civil.
My life sucks sometimes

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