Unscripted love Chapter 6 - Mzansi Stories

Wednesday, February 3


Unscripted love Chapter 6


Torn Hearts
The bed sank as a person sat at the edge of the mattress. A hand was placed on my back. I knew by the size and by the feel of it that it was Lerumo. I sat up and scooted when he raised the bed covers to the king size bed, starting to slide under. “Where have you been all day?” I asked, barely able to open my puffy eyes.
He did not stop in his path into the bed, he went under the covers and leaned against the headboard. “I’m sorry you couldn’t get hold of me, my battery was flat and I left my charger here at the hotel. I had a lengthy chat with Amanda this morning and I just wanted to be alone to process my feelings and wrap my mind around everything that is happening.” His voice was cracking and he took a moment to compose himself. “Baby, don’t you think we are moving too fast?”
My eyes flickered to the night clock which indicated that is was 2:15 am. I leaned my upper body close to his legs, my fingers guiding his chin to look down at me. “I won’t blame you if you choose to stay with her.” I said simply and meant it though it pained me to say it.
His hand travelled down my back, curling around me. “I don’t know what I did right to deserve a woman like you. You always put others before you and I really love that about you.” His lips spoke into my hair as he leaned down and placed a single kiss on my temple. “So what happens now?” I asked. He slid down and pulled me to his chest.
“I never really went into detail about the real issues I have with Amanda out of respect for her and our relationship and I have never really been the type of guy who speaks about his relationship problems. Amanda and I spoke about our issues, we spoke in depth about what’s working and what isn’t working for like 4 hours and at some point she just got up and went to the room. I thought she was walking away from the conversation like she usually does when we have major disagreements, but she came back with a ring.” I closed my eyes, but stayed against his chest as a wave of dread shuddered through me.
Me: She proposed?
Lerumo: No, she gave me the ring and asked me to propose to her.
I looked into his eyes, dim under the moonlight and waited for him to finish the story but he went silent. After an immeasurable amount of time he flicked on the lamp and showed me the beautiful princess cut diamond ring that Amanda bought for herself. “I don’t know what to do,” he said honestly.
My breath was ripped from my lungs and I felt crowded in my own skin. My eyes stung with anguish as tears streamed my cheeks against my will. He held me close and allowed pangs of shuddering to wrack my body. I wept so much my head began to hurt, until sleep finally came and took pity upon my wretched soul. Such was my torment for the decisions I’d made.
I woke up feeling tired. A million different thoughts swirled through my head and I couldn’t slow them down long enough to make sense of them. Tears of hurt and frustration were threatening to form but I bit my cheek to stop them from doing so. I jumped out of bed to get my day started and get my mind off the mess Lerumo and I made over something that had gone from solid to uncertain within 24 hours. My heart broke at the thought of what Sandiso and Amanda were going through.
A short while later, I had showered and dressed in my formal grey pencil skirt and white button up shirt. I pulled my long hair to the back of my head where I fastened it in a loose ponytail. I dapped on make-up on my puffy face but there are only so many miracles that makeup can perform.
“Morning,” Lerumo said as he walked into the bathroom, his voice sounding like it had gravel in it. “Hi,” I responded. “Aren’t you going to work?” I asked as he tightened his arms momentarily around me. He let go and rinsed his mouth with mouth wash.
Lerumo: I forgot to tell you that I organised sick notes for us. You have food poisoning and the doctor booked you off for 3 days and I have a dental issue that will take a week to sort out.
Me: So you bought sick notes?
Lerumo: Yes.
I let out a light laugh. “You are not supposed to be telling the person who administers sick leave at work that you have a fake sick note.” I said.
He draped his arms over my shoulders. “Is this person going to punish me for being a naughty boy?” he spoke into my mouth, pulling back just enough for his lips to tickle mine as he spoke. “Don’t go. Let’s stay in and discuss our future together.” He said, shrugging slightly. I would have loved to stay in bed and listen to us lying to each other all day but I had to go to work to get my mind off things and create some distance so that I could think clearly.
“I have to go, I have interviews today that were set up months in advance,” I said, my lips brushing against his skin ad I spoke.
“Yeah but you can reschedule,” he argued.
“I don’t want to stay. You need to figure out what you want to do and I want you to do that on your own without my vagina distracting you.” My sudden outburst made him perk up.
Lerumo: There is nothing to think about, I am not going to propose to her. I was just feeling emotional because I know how much this will hurt her when she finds out. I wish I could just tell her that we are over but she pulled out a ring and I just couldn’t do it. I am not an animal. This is hard for me but I know that you are the one that I want, I just need time.
I stepped back and sat on the edge of the bathtub. “I broke up with Sandiso yesterday. He sent me this long email begging me to come back despite all the despicable things that I have done to him but I told him that we were over and nothing would change that. It was hard for me to do that and I cried the whole day and the whole night.
Instead of feeling like I was free and liberated I felt as though a fist ripped through my chest and gripped my heart, pulling it out, leaving an absence, a space, a paralysing feeling that something vital is missing. It’s the first time I’ve ever cried so hard over another person to a point where I couldn’t breathe. It was hard for me as well but I actually did it so don’t ask me to shelter you from all of that and be more understanding.” I said, my voice dropping an octave with each sentence.
He snaked one arm under my knees and the other over my shoulder. In a swift movement I was up. He placed me on the bed gingerly and lay next to me. I laid still, looking at him, memorizing him. The sharp angles of his face, soft as he looked at me. “I did not say that I wasn’t going to breakup with her babe, I was saying that I was a caught off-guard yesterday. Amanda will be in my life forever because she is the mother of my child, it couldn’t end with her indirectly begging me to marry her. I couldn’t give the ring back and tell her that there is a girl who makes me want to cash in my savings, send my uncles and make an honest women out of her and that girl isn’t her.”
His arms circled around me, holding me to him. “I have been honest with you and I mean it when I say that you are the only woman that I want in my life,” he said. I nodded, wanting to believe him. His hand lightly caressed my arm, a look of concern hardened his face. “Do you feel like I pressured you into breaking up with Sandiso?” he asked.
“No. It is something that I needed to do for myself,” I responded. He stroked my cheek and kissed my lips lightly. “I want us. I will give Amanda her ring back and talk to her about visitation rights today. I want to show you that I am not toying with your emotions by making empty promises.” He kissed my forehead. “Okay,” I said.
My phone rang and I told the cab driver I’d called to take me to work that I would be down in a minute. I kissed Lerumo goodbye and made my way down. I wished the doorman a good morning as he held the door for me and I walked purposefully out of the lobby of the grand hotel. It was by far the fanciest hotel I’d stayed in. Complete with a classical pianist that would play while guests had their dinner. It was a pity that I didn’t join in the festivities as I preferred to stay in bed.
I asked the cab driver to turn up the music to drown out my thoughts and all too soon I’d arrived and life had to move on. “Good morning, Thando.” A young lady in her uniform greeted me from behind the front desk. I nodded at her as I passed her, “Morning Krishka.” I tagged myself in and climbed one flight of stairs. I tagged myself into our floor and walked through the door to my office which was right around the corner.
Setting my laptop on my antique style desk, I typed in my password and padded to the kitchen to grab some coffee. Slipping off my heels, I sat down at my desk and began browsing through my e-mails while burning my throat with the hot liquid. I was determined to drown my thoughts with work.
I was pleasantly surprised when 24 long stem red roses in a vase were placed on my desk by the internal delivery man. There was no card that accompanied the delivery but I knew who they were from. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as I waded through emails from tons of hopeful job applicants. I hated sifting through thousands of CVs for one job and sending people rejection letters but that daunting task wasn’t enough to wipe the smile off my face as a result of the kind gesture.
No matter how hard I tried to stop my mind from venturing off, I couldn’t control it. My mind was buzzing from everything that had happened that weekend, which made it extremely difficult to focus on getting my work done. I found myself wishing I would have just given into Lerumo and stayed with him, because it was clear that I wasn’t being productive anyway.
I could have been in bed, lying happily in his arms, the warmth of his skin seeping into mine and maybe letting my lips trail over his chest. I squirmed in my seat as I thought of the potential for what we could have gotten up to if I caved and let my boss believe that I had food poisoning. The thought made me laugh.
Despite all the emotional baggage that came with our decision to be together, I had loved my long weekend with Lerumo. Everything he said and did showed me that I wasn’t just another girl to him, and I took comfort in that knowledge.
A little before lunch time, I was called to fetch my food from reception. Food which I didn’t order. My smile widened when a whiff of seafood pasta hit my nostrils. I called Lerumo to thank him for the food and flowers but his phone was still off. I had lunch with a colleague. I was tempted to tell her the real reason why I was smiling like an ape while my eyes were swollen like I was in a boxing match but I wanted Lerumo and I to enjoy a few months of exclusivity before we came out to the world and I wanted to take my time to deal with whatever feelings I still had for Sandiso. I nodded and hummed as she filled me in on all the details about her weekend that I wasn’t interested in. I was relieved when lunch was over.
The phone on my desk rang and I picked it up while I was still working on my training report. “Thandolwethu Khoza, how may I help you?”
Mom: How are you my child?
Me: I am fine mama, how was church on Sunday?
Mom: It went well. My son in-law tells me that you are not speaking to him.
I was surprised by her statement. Sandiso wasn’t the type to run to my parents when we had domestic issues.
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Is everything okay with the two of you?
Her question deflated my bubble and my buzz flat lined. In an instant I was yanked out of cloud 9 and brought down to earth. I couldn’t tell her that Sandiso wasn’t her son in-law anymore over the phone. I needed time to think of the statement that I was going to deliver to all the relevant parties face to face. “We had a disagreement but I am sure that everything will go as it should in the end,” I said vaguley.
Mom: Oh? He sounded distraught when he called me but you seem calm. Are you sure everything is okay? My child, please take proper care of my son in-law. I don’t want problems.
Me: Like he took care of me when he went and had a child?
Mom: That was 3 years ago! The bible says that love keeps no record of wrong and it is wrong of you to harbour resentment for so many years. You said that you were willing to forgive him and part of forgiveness is letting go of the hurt that you have clearly been carrying in your heart for so many years.
Me: I don’t know. There are so many things that have gone wrong mama…..
Mom: Give it all to God my baby. Relationships are hard work. I had a dream that it was your wedding day my child and I woke up with so much joy in my heart. You make me so proud and you couldn’t have chosen a better son in-law for me. I have ordered the chicken that I will slaughter for you guys when you come and visit this weekend. We will also take the time to pray about whatever it is that is troubling you.
I hung up and disconnected the line so that I could blame the network. The internal conflict her words created in me drove me crazy. I was happily basking under the excitement of a new relationship, but torn at the same time. While my mind was bouncing back and forth between two men I never really took the time to consider the way people would judge me for being with Lerumo.
I was sure that my parents would think that I was confused and probably feel the brunt of judgment from church members that were waiting for the Sandiso, Thandolwethu wedding day. While I wasn’t looking forward to being judged so harshly, I reminded myself that my happiness mattered more than what other people had to say about my choices and Lerumo was too important for me to care about what others had to say.
I went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. “Hey Thando.” I turned to see a girl who looked very familiar but I couldn’t recall her name. All I could remember was the fact that she worked on the same floor as Lerumo and I’d seen her lurking around his desk a couple of times.
Me: Hey.
Her: I have been looking for Lerumo for 2 days now, is he on leave or something?
Me: Well, I haven’t come across his leave request. Do you need him to help you with some work or something?
Her: No, I am just missing my office husband.
I wanted to strangle her but that would have been over the top and unnecessary. “Office husband?” I asked, trying to look as though her words didn’t sting as much as they did. “We have this thing where he calls me his office wife and I call him my office husband.” She said with a smile, clearly smitten by Lerumo’s flirtations personality. Her smile was starting to make me feel ill as she moved closer to me.
Me: Oh…. nice. That’s, um, lovely.
“You guys aren’t together or anything like that right?” She asked forwardly, sensing the change in my mood. “No, no, no, of course not. I just have a lot on my mind.” I lied, desperately wishing that she would leave me alone.
She studied me further, her obnoxious grin still on her face. She was yet to notice my boss standing by the door, waiting for me to wrap up my conversation with her so that she could give me instructions. “So glad to hear that or this conversation could have turned awkward very fast. I mean not every guys’ playmate wants to hear about her man’s sexual conquests you know,” she said, dropping her voice.
To my horror I realised that she was inching closer until her lips were at my ear. “Judging from the way you are acting I’d say that you are also fucking him. If I were you, I wouldn’t get too attached.” She added, her overly made up eye dropping to a wink.
My heart clenched so tightly in my chest I was certain that it had stopped working all together, the blood in my veins turned to ice that froze my entire body. Bile rose in the back of my throat, and I felt like I was going to throw up. The pain of her revelation forced me to breathe from my chest in heavy, painful gasps.
Before I knew what I was doing, my feet were carrying me towards the bathroom. I bolted into one of the cubicles. Chunks of food spewed out of my mouth while my boss held my hair away from my face. My throat felt sore from the stomach acid that was layering it and my mouth tasted of vomit. She flushed the toilet and fetched a glass of water. The stomach-acid stench of vomit filled my nostrils. I sat on the toilet seat and looked at my boss with watery eyes and my stomach dry-heaved again when she made a joke about a little one joining the department.
Me: Bianca please don’t joke like that.
She giggled, “Why? We haven’t had a pregnancy in the department for a long time. Besides, you and your lifetime partner have been together forever, it was bound to happen.”
“We broke up this weekend.” I blurted it out for the first time. Bianca surprised me by snorting a laugh. “Couples break up all the time, it doesn’t mean that it’s really over.” She said.
Me: I want it to be over.
Bianca: You are probably angry about whatever it is he did. Give it a couple of days.
Me: I am the one who did something. I slept with someone else.
She gasped, “So you don’t know who the father is?”
Me: No, no, wait. There is no baby Bianca, I can’t be pregnant with Sandiso’s child. It’s not the other guy, we use condoms.
Bianca: Who is this other person? Don’t tell me it’s that boy that always comes to your desk. I can’t even attempt to say his name.
Me: Why can’t it be Lerumo?
Bianca: I have never really spoken to the guy but he looks like a player and he has a stinking attitude. He came storming into my office the other day when there was a mix up with medical aid for his children and demanded that I fix it as if I work for him. Everyone knows you deal with administrative issues but I helped him because I didn’t want to spoil your day…
Her words mumbled together and my brain stopped processing after she said children. “Wait, did you say children?” I interjected. “Yes, his three boys.” She responded.
Me: But I thought he had one child that’s like 3 or 4.
Bianca: Between me and you I think he is embarrassed by the fact that he has a 12 year old. If you do the math you can tell that he was studying the anatomy of the female form instead of focusing on his books in high school. I forgot how old the other one is. Anyway, pack your bags and go home. I don’t want to see you back here until you are feeling better. I will tell the big boss that you are not feeling well.
Me: I have telephone interviews later today.
Bianca: Don’t worry about it. I will ask Linda and Cindie to take over your duties while you are away.
Me: I couldn’t have asked for a better manager. Some people have to report to dragons.
Bianca: Dragons like that L guy of yours. A staff member filed a grievance today, apparently he told her to go back to which ever high school she came from and ask for a refund because she writes like she is in grade 2.

I couldn’t defend Lerumo, he needed to learn how to speak to people. She wrapped her arms around me. “Take the test so that you can get the best prenatal care for your child if you are pregnant. I know it’s not my place but whatever happens, keep the baby. It will all be fine in the end.”
Her words were supposed to comfort me but they sent me into a state of panic. I didn’t have anything to offer a child. I called a cab and packed my bags. I resisted the urge to call Lerumo to pick me up like we’d agreed because he was a lying fool. I said a silent prayer as I waited outside the office block, as if prayer could undo everything and take the constant pain in my chest away.
“Hey baby,” a deep voice said, making me jump and jerk my vision to my right. My heart stopped cold in my heart when I saw him. “Hi,” I said awkwardly avoiding Sandiso’s expression. He was the last person I wanted to see.
I didn’t want to look directly at his broken heart. Instead, I wanted to wait until the cracks had become scars, I wanted to wait until the pain stopped before I faced him. I didn’t want to look directly into that dark weeping because I was well aware of the fact that seeing his heartbreak wouldn’t kill me, but could easily drive me mad.
“How are you doing today?” he asked, attempting to sound friendly. “You called my mom?” I asked flatly, acknowledging just how far I’d pushed him. “Yes, you were not answering my calls and you haven’t been home. I miss you.” He shot me a smile that I didn’t return.
Me: You being so calm is freaking me out. Is there a bomb planted in my flat or something?
Sandiso: A bomb? No. I am trying to fix things. I hope you liked your food and your flowers.
A ping of guilt hit me when I realised that he was the one who sent them. “You sent the flowers?” I asked a question to which I knew the answer to.
Sandiso: Did you think they were from him? Did he make you report me to the police? I saw you going to the police station and I know where you have been staying.
I my eyes dropped and observed at my nails as if my nude coloured nails were the most interesting things in the world.
Sandiso: I came to give you your car and ask you to meet me at Pigalle at the Michelangelo Towers for dinner.
Me: Pigalle?
Sandiso: Yes. It’s a public place, I can’t do anything to you. Having spent 7 years together I think you owe me that much.
I nodded. “Do you miss me?” he pried. There was a minute of complete silence between us. “How long has it been going on? Not necessarily the physical part but how long have you been in bed with me while you wished that it was him instead?” he asked, his voice sounding broken.
My hands fidgeted with my shirt, nodding at someone as he walked to his car.
“Who is that? Are you sleeping with him as well?” Sandiso said suddenly, his voice still sounding like it was carrying hurt despite the harsh words.
Me: I am not sleeping with every guy in this office.
I wished I could say that Lerumo wasn’t sleeping with all the ladies in the office but he was clearly making his rounds.
“Is there a specific thing that I did that made you choose a guy that is not yours to have over me?” he asked. My heart swelled with emotion. I wished it could be different. I could handle an angry Sandiso but I couldn’t handle him when he looked so broken.
He handed me my car keys and asked me to meet him at 7. I drove to the hotel and forgot all about the cab driver. All I could offer him was a verbal apology when he called as my bank account was dwindling and I couldn’t give out money that I didn’t have to give out.
While driving to the hotel half of me wanted Lerumo to be there so that he could explain why he lied about the number of children he had and let me know why I had to be one of the girls he used as a sperm dish. The other half just hoped he wasn’t there so that I could pack my bags and leave without incident.
He wasn’t there when I got back and his phone was on the night stand. I was tired of thinking so I set my alarm clock and went to sleep.
I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror. I smoothed out the high waist fitted skirt I was wearing and adjusted the white crop top I’d chosen. Reaching up, I pulled my ponytail tighter and let it fall on my back in waves. I touched up the charcoal shadow that I’d applied to the crease in my eyelids to enhance my jet black eyes. I finished the look with a chunky necklace and a scent.
Lifting a leg behind me, I pulled on a nude high heeled sandal. I repeated the step with the other foot and grabbed my purse and my bags from where they lay on the bed. I left a note informing Lerumo that he should go back to Amanda.
Reaching my car, I called Levi and Kagiso to confirm that I was on my way to the restaurant. I was grateful that Levi offered to come along so that he could protect me if things got out of hand. I put my bags in the car, slid behind the wheel of my red mini cooper and drove to the heart of Sandton. I hadn’t heard anything from Lerumo all day but I didn’t have the capacity to care at that moment.
I had butterflies in my stomach as I thought of the awkwardness of what was surely to come. I didn’t want to be that random girl that was crying in a restaurant but I was afraid of meeting Sandiso in the privacy of my own home. His calm reaction to everything unnerved me and made me feel like he was a ticking time bomb.
I walked up to the restaurant and saw that it was bustling inside as people chatted over their fancy meals. I scanned the tables and didn’t see Sandiso or Levi so I asked for a table. I ordered warm water with lemon as I took a seat and waited for them to arrive. I wanted to order something stronger but I didn’t want to be left alone with the bill if Sandiso didn’t pitch.
The waiter returned with my water and I looked up to see Sandiso right behind him. He’d shaved and he looked devilishly handsome in his light brown pants, light blue shirt and royal blue blazer as if he’d just come from the runway. It was a far cry from his usual dressed down look complete with his resident bucket hat. He wasted no time and ordered a bottle of wine and pecked me on my cheek before he sat down across from me.
“Someone raided the shops,” I teased. He smiled politely at me. “You are not looking too bad yourself. How was work?” he responded. “It was okay.” I took a sip of my drink and pretended to take an interest in the menu when we both knew that I ordered the same thing everywhere I went. I could feel him watching me, but I didn’t react. I heard him sigh.
“Thandolwethu,” it sounded like he was frowning. “Talk to me please.”
“What is there to talk about?” I asked softly as I flipped through to the page of drinks.
“Everything, nothing. I don’t know love. It seems like you have given up on me for good. Please look at me.” His voice was a sad whisper. Reluctantly, I looked up at his pained eyes, only to shake my head.
“What are we doing here Sandiso?” I asked him, not angrily. I gestured around the restaurant, where there were tons of other couples who were clearly happy and in love, everything that we weren’t.
“What are you going to get?” He asked, ignoring my question. “Probably the salmon,” I responded. “You always order Salmon, maybe you should try their prawns,” he suggested and I agreed. I took another sip of my drink and noticed Levi and Kagiso arrive. They nodded at me and took a seat a couple of tables away from us.
The waiter returned with the wine and took our dinner order. “I suppose we don’t have all night so we might as well take the time to jump right into it.” A lump formed in my throat when he said that.
Sandiso: Thandolwethu we aren’t in high school anymore so we can’t handle our issues like children. Breaking up with someone over the phone is something you hear about in high school. Even then all my high school “girlfriends” still had the courage to it in person.
I never thought I’d ever experience the stomach wrenching pain of being cheated on. At first I was so shocked, like I was numb. I felt like I was in a vacuum where I could barely feel anything but rage. It’s the moment where you finally understand what people mean when they say “time stood still”.
But the shock only lasts for a few minutes. It was just a few minutes of peace before the pain hit in waves so intense I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The image of the two of you together replays over and over in my head, reminding me that you chose another man over me. You weren’t even drunk when you chose to spend the night with him while I was awake in your bed alone.
I feel every emotion that you’d expect: anger, hurt, betrayal, humiliation, confusion. The fact that you chose someone who was already accounted for romantically adds insult to injury. But most of all I blame myself. And that is the worst part of it all.
I am left wondering why I wasn’t good enough, what he has that I don’t, what I could’ve done differently to stop this from ever happening. I sometimes wonder if I meant that little to you but no matter what I think it all goes back to how you must have done this because I was not enough.
I am supposed to despise you yet I am plagued by the fact that I love you. I love you way more than I hate what you did to me. And in a twisted kind of way I sort of understand that you didn’t really mean to do what you did because I was once in your position as the one who cheated, difference being that I didn’t want to leave you for her.
The more I think about it the more I realised that I also played a role in what happened. I meant every single word in the e-mail I sent you and I hope you can see that I know my flaws and I am more than willing to work on them. I can be better for you and I can be everything that you need. I hope today shows you that.
I have made plans and put things in motion to make sure that I bring more to the table than an extra mouth to feed. I got myself a car, I got rid of the clothes that you don’t really like but are too polite to tell me to get rid of them, I furnished your flat and I resigned. I’m doing something now that will give me the resources to give you what you want.
“Would you like some wine mam?” A male voice said from beside me, interrupting Sandiso. I turned to look at our uniformed waitor, smiling down politely at the pair of us. I nodded and he poured a glass for me. “Your food will be ready shortly.” He said before turning and walking away.
“I am deeply sorry for what I did. It is never okay for a person to jump into a relationship with someone else if they are already in one no matter how bad things are.” I offered.
He inhaled sharply. “So you guys are in a relationship? It isn’t just boning?” His eyes darkened and I knew better than to answer the question.
He had sat up and leaned across the table towards me. He swallowed hard and his gaze started to travel. “We are both in pain. Wouldn’t it be nice to just forget everything? Let’s start afresh.” With no menu occupying my hands he took the opportunity to take my hand and give it a soft squeeze.
I was sceptical. “Sandiso, I don’t know about this. I actually think I need some time by myself. I need to live the single life for a while. I want to figure myself out and figure out what I want out of life. I have been with you since I was a child and I don’t really know how to be my own person. I also believe that the biggest issue is that we may have still been in a relationship but we have grown so far apart that it has become impossible to ever come back to each other.
I checked out of this relationship years ago. I have just been going through the motions because I didn’t have the strength to leave and I felt like it was the Christian thing to do. Part of me held on because my mother keeps dreaming of us getting married and I didn’t want to shatter that dream. I focused on dreams instead of facing the reality of the situation. We have gotten to a point whereby it almost feels as though we went from knowing each other so well we could finish each other’s sentences to complete strangers.
This is not easy for me, my heart feels like its ripping. I can literally feel it ripping, splitting in two but that in itself doesn’t mean that I should be going backward instead of moving forward. I don’t want you. I don’t want him. The thought of being in love with either one of you terrifies me and that is not how love should feel.” I stated.
He sat there and looked at me as if he was trying to process what I was saying to him. His eyes were no longer do-like and innocent. His pupils were dilated, dark, and promising. They were predatory and possessive, and scanned my body in a way that made it hard for me to breathe.
His ringing phone broke his gaze. He fished it out of his blazer pocket and looked at the screen. “I need to take this, it’s your dad. I have been trying to get hold of him all day.” He said and excused himself from the table. I wondered what he needed to discuss with my father in private.
Levi darted over to our table as soon as Sandiso turned the corner. “Dude, it seems like you two are okay judging from you holding hands and stuff like that so Kagiso and I are going to finish our drinks and head out. We are going clubbing later, call me if you want to come along.” He said. I smiled up at him and thanked him for being my bodyguard.
Sandiso was gone for a while and I could only pray that he didn’t tell my father that we’d broken up because I ran off with another man. The longer I sat by myself, the gravity of my decision dawned on me. The Sandiso and Thandolwethu love story was over and I hadn’t taken the time to notice that my body and soul were now divided from the hurt and pain. My soul was dead, my body wasn’t.
Sandiso walked towards the table after an immeasurable amount of time. Our food was cold. “Did you tell my dad what happened?” I enquired. He didn’t answer the question instead he took my hand and looked into my dead eyes. “Once during your lifetime you meet someone who will change you. This person is a crashing sea of a being that will change the way your heart beats and your soul functions.
You are that person for me. I am more in love with you than I have ever been. I look at you and still cannot believe that a woman like you would could love someone like me. You are my best friend, my confidant, and my partner in crime. I know you feel the same way even though our connection may have withered over the years.
I have put so much of myself into you. I don’t want to lose you, ever. I can’t imagine a time when I can’t drive down the road to your place to cook dinner, drink, argue about money, watch movies on your laptop, cuddle and have mind-blowing sex.
I can’t imagine traveling and having adventures with anyone else or feeling more like myself around anyone else. I can’t imagine anyone else understanding me the way that you do. I love you so much I would crawl into your skin and become a part of you if I could. I would literally do anything for you and I will do whatever it takes to be with you.”
He took my hands in his and that’s when I felt how sweaty his hands were. It wasn’t much, but they were noticeably damper than normal. He looked at me with shining eyes. He moved from his seat and sank to one knee. My breath caught in my throat.
His face was a mixture of many different emotions, but most prominent were anxiety, hope and fear. I could feel my heart melting as he took a shaky breath, clearly knowing that there was no going back.
“Baby,” he started off with a cracking voice. “Did you really think that I wasn’t going to marry you?” he asked softly, tears brimming his eyes. He let go of one hand and took the ring box out of his pocket. He opened it and placed my hand on his heart. “Thandolwethu Zenkosi Khoza will you please marry me?”
I looked down into his wide eyes, at his handsome face, wondering when I’d seen him so emotional. His hands shook as they gripped mine tightly, like he was afraid that he would lose me forever. Like I didn’t know how much I loved him, and how I’d dreamt of this day since we were kids.
The first tear fell.
Then the second.
“I am sorry,” I whispered, unable to produce a louder sound without sobbing. “No.” I said with quacking lips. It didn’t feel as if my heart was breaking. The pain was so deep and sharp, it felt more like emptiness; as if I had no heart at all.

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5 February 2016 at 22:34 delete

I'm only finding out about this now, haven't stopped reading. Thank you for your work, wasn't sure of it when I read the first few chapters but great work. Thank you

10 February 2016 at 11:16 delete

Thanks sweety nice 1