Dygo-Ring of Lies, Secrets & Betrayals Chapter 1 - Mzansi Stories

Monday, July 4


Dygo-Ring of Lies, Secrets & Betrayals Chapter 1


I looked at the time, it was four fifty in the morning. I have been up three times already thanks to the early phone calls and messages that woke me up. On a normal day I still had an hour before my morning alarm wakes me up..But now I can't seem to catch back to my last hour sleep, I was deep in thoughts and reflecting on the significance of the day.
The three phone calls that came through reminded me of how time flies and how far along I came from. Yes today is the 25th October.
Thirty two years ago Tsholofelo and Russel Dire welcomed their second daughter, their third born child to this world. Four years ago the very same daughter stood before her friends and family and pledged her love to Kevin Tau and vowed before God to love him till death.
A year ago my best friend Tshwarelo and her husband Kagiso welcomed their bundle of joy Tshenolo Kanoyarona to this world.
Last year, this date I was planning to lay my beautiful son to rest. Yes, a long full year and 2 days ago my world fell apart, and time has changed little. There are still no days without tears, NOT A SINGLE DAY. That means I have cried for 369 days consecutively, and there appears to be no end in sight to that.
It’s scary how time seems to go on yet some things still remain in you heart forever.
Yes, I look “better” as I “appear” to be living life, but few knows what thoughts run through my head or what pains I feel in every part of my body. Few know the anxiety that now envelopes my life each day and the terror that overcomes me when I fully realize that a year ago today, we picked out a casket for our boy, l stroked his hair and kissed his cold cheek before we put him in that tiny white casket, laying him to rest eternally and the sad reality of bidding him goodbye and the thought that I would never hold him in my arms again.
Few understand the inability to breathe each time I do something with anyone else’s child that I know I can’t do with Kanoyarona.He would have turned one last month, September 3rd. We would have celebrated his first birthday and Kevin and I would be celebrating our fourth wedding anniversary today... but no, things are way too different. Life turned out way too different. For me today is my grieving day. A reminder of my loss.
The feeling that I’m going to lose my mind is never far away. For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How do I wake up and put a smile on my face and face the world and answer yet so many many calls and messages from friends, relatives, colleagues and clients who will be uttering “happy birthday” and “happy anniversary? “ while in my heart I am consumed with so much pain.
How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
Today is a beautiful spring day. Still crisp; but bathed in a hazy sunshine and topped by the brightest blue sky. I love the sky. Blue – was Kanoyarona’s favourite colour. He used to glow with laughter and joy in his blue rompers.
My pain sharpens, becomes more jagged, on days like today. Daffodils spring to life; and my eyes rest on my young son's picture. My little boy who is dead. So final. So without any hope at all. So unlike those daffodils - the symbol of spring. The sunshine makes the enormity of the loss so much clearer. It is the contrast; I think. It seems like yesterday; it seems like a lifetime ago.
It is true, "for in grief; nothing stays put".
And that's what I am learning. One moves a little forward, one tastes a little hope, one almost feels fleeting moments of - dare I say - "happiness". But not for long; never for long. The sadness creeps back. A friend once wrote to me "grief is like being run over by a truck. It then reverses and runs you over again and again".

How very true.
Having read C.S. Lewis’s book- A Grief Observed, I must say it was a beautiful experience. The words spoke to my battered soul and whispered " Obonolo, you are not alone". Through his words I felt a connection with another being who had survived. Despite the most viscous of all losses; he walked, he talked, he lived.
And so do I; although in some kind of weird haziness of life. A life torn apart; a life missing a centre. " While there's life, there is hope." And I know that this is true.
Despite having plunged the deepest depths of despair; I can still appreciate a sunny day. If somebody had told me I would live after my child had died I would never have believed it. If someone had told me that I will move on with my life without Kevin, I would have laughed at that person. But here I was, with so much to be thankful for. I survived, I’m living and I guess, I’m also healing.
Does time heal? I'm really not sure. Some days are easier than the others, some things remind me of the pains I endured. I find it impossible to look at my wedding pictures that are still hanging on the walls or placed on displays, I haven’t gathered the courage to remove anything that belonged to Kevin and stashed it away. Some of his clothes are still hanging in his closet, his study is still the way it was. I still find it hard to look at baby photos of Kano; to watch any video of him; to touch the huge piles of his clothes I have stored in many many boxes. It just hurts way too much.
I believe totally that one must feel the grief; sit with it; talk about it and roar in anger at the utter unfairness of fate. And when that is done; do it all over again and again and again. The real danger lies in packaging up the grief in a box, in a room, in a place and hiding away. That is the road to nowhere.
Maybe I will never look at those photos and that is only because my son mattered so very much to me and so was my marriage. But I will keep trying to live; trying to love; trying to survive. And I thank all of my precious friends and family who continued to walk beside me through all my toughest and hardest journey.
Even after visiting Kanoyarona’s grave on the anniversary of his death 22 October, I still can’t seem to imagine many more years to come without him. But I take comfort in knowing that He is in a better place, sitting on His Heavenly father’s lap.
Today is Tshenolo Kanoyarona Lediga's first birthday ( Relo and Kagiso's son) , my birthday, my wedding anniversary but all I wanted to do was to fast-forward the entire month and never have to be reminded of my shattered life, my shattered dreams and my loss.
As I prepare myself to what should be the happiest day in my life, my heart was so consumed by pain, grief , loss and longing. I must say I dread the day more than anything. Well for today, I planned to call Relo and let Kananelo and Kahoentle sing happy birthday to birthday boy Nolo aka Kanoyarona . The Ledigas had planned and invited us to a huge first birthday party for their son on Saturday.
It’s been long since we went out to a celebration function with the twins. We have been spending as much time together just the three of us because other weekends they were either visiting their paternal family or maternal.
I must say apart from this emotional week of my entire life, I have been doing pretty well with my new life without Kevin. I was adjusting well in being a single mother and soon to be divorcee.
It is true what they say about time.... It does heal and it also moves on pretty fast when you are having fun. Yes. Fun. I was having fun with my kokoberries and I was free from so many bad animosity, anger, bitterness and quest for revenge or proving a point... Most of all I was free from the need to force love. I felt love of my kids and my family ooh and my friends... One day at a time.
It's almost six months after that awful day at Hospital when I lost the man I loved. Well not losing him to death but losing his love. The first few weeks after that day I battled with the reality of the situation. A part of me wanted so much to want to fight for him but another part, which I am happy I listened to, told me that somethings and some people are really not worth fighting for. Yes. I never thought I would say this about the man who used to be the Lav’of my Life.... the father of my kids and my lawfully wedded husband, Karabello Kevin Tau.. With time I learned to move on without him.. And boy I must say, I was doing fine... Singing “I’m a Survivor by Destiny’s Child”
But today, I found myself thinking about him. Wondering if he would even remember this date or what it means.
I won’t be surprised, he didn’t remember his late son’s birthday nor his deathday, let alone his own. What would make him remember my birthday and worst, what happened four years ago, our wedding day?
I never heard from Reatlehile and her husband, nor the Gosiames and MamaTau. Aus Nthabeleng came to my house one weekend and tried to convince me to try and force Kevin to come back home. I told her that I was so done with his brother and she should never ask me that. Ever since then we were not in constant communication
The only person from Tau clan who was genuinely supportive of me and who kept in touch was Rethabile.. We have grown way too closer and after I told her everything that happened between me and the Tau’s, she told me that her family was in denial and as for her second elder sister Reatlehile, she will one day wake up and realise the truth about the monster in her bed.
One time while at work DaddyT phoned me. He said he was just checking up on me and wanted to know how his grandkids were doing. He even asked if I could sometimes during the weekends drop off the twins to come for a visit. I told him that I will arrange for that.
As for Kevin, apparently he was healed physically but his memory was still not back. Rethabile told me that she was suspecting that he was remembering some of the things but he was confused it was what his family was feeding him or it was genuine memories. But no one cared about him. He was now a burden to them. Haahaaa
Oh Kevin contacted me couple of times after his dad asked for the kids. We agreed that every fortnight weekends the kids will visit him and his family. Rethabile was responsible for collecting and dropping off the kids for their fortnightly visits. The other time he was telling me that he was sorry about how things turned out for us and said I was right, we should not rush into ending our marriage especially while he was still not in a clear conscious nor position to think about everything.
I didn't entertain him much, but I made it clear that we are all adults enough and can decide whatever works for us. I further told him that I won’t wait forever for him to regain his memory or make up his mind about his future.
To be honest I was not even thinking of anything that could even mend our relationship and as far as I was concerned, Kevin and I were done. All that was left was for one of us to contact their lawyers and deal with the legalities and process of divorce. There was absolutely nothing left for us. Only the shared responsibility for the kids. Otherwise, Kevin and I were not in close contact but I was glad he was trying to bond with his kids despite the memory loss.
Overall everything was fine. Mamorena aka Mamo and Dieketseng aka DK ( my trusted helpers) were doing fine. Both the O'Family and my mother were all doing well. Work was fine.
Before I left my house for work, I looked at myself in the mirror and said : Dear Obonolo, today is the beginning of the first day of your new life. Another birthday is here, and with that comes change, growth, reflection and acceptance.
Remember that life is an adventure and that sometimes you must take a leap of faith and make big changes in order to follow your journey in life. If change was easy everyone would be doing it, but change often is a long slow process that takes patience, love and support to grow into something beautiful. I trust myself to make the best decisions I can with the information I had at that very moment, and to never look back on a decision with disappointment or regret.
Try not to get caught up in what everyone else is doing or where you think you should be in your life because everyone takes their own path and is dealt different opportunities and misfortunes along the way. Your life is uniquely yours and can never be compared to anyone else's."
Happy fabulous birthday Obonolo and little Tshenolo Kanoyarona

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Write comments
16 July 2016 at 10:49 delete

Thank you Mamaga Kano
Welcome back and we missed you and have been waiting patiently...
I wonder if other fellow fans are aware you are back...Am
Sure they will catch up soon...
Thank you

Diary ya ya Obonolo
27 July 2016 at 08:53 delete

Thank you dear. Yes I am back. My other fans are reading on Facebook. But hope the bloggers will catch up. Thanks for the support