Dygo-Ring of Lies, Secrets & Betrayals Chapter 10 - Mzansi Stories

Thursday, July 28


Dygo-Ring of Lies, Secrets & Betrayals Chapter 10


An acre of diamonds I'd offer to you,
A solid gold mansion, an airplane or two
This whole world would be yours to have and to hold
If teardrops were pennies and heartaches were gold
I'd have all the riches my pockets would hold
I'd be, oh, so wealthy with treasures untold....
That’s the lyrics from one of Dolly Parton’s songs. Indeed if crying and being hurt could make a person wealthy, I would be among Forbes' s richest woman. Unfortunately just like further on the song when Dolly says:
The tears that have fallen won't buy you a thing
The heartaches you've caused me won't pay for a ring
The love that I wanted would not have grown so cold
Because teardrops ain’t pennies and heartaches ain’t gold.
That my dearest, is the truth and I have learned that much about shedding too much tears. You gain nothing.
Hai shame! Sometimes I do think my mom should have named me Dikeledi not Obonolo. The way I cry, the frequency of my cries, hai. I can cry and boy I have cried for Kevin so many many times. I cried when I couldn’t have Kevin before we started dating, I cried when I almost lost him even before I had him, I cried when we dated, I cried when we got married, I cried for every occasion that followed, i have cried tears of joy and pain. I cried for him, I cried with him and without him, I cried to him, on him and because of him. Hell yeah I cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool. Enough tears to see my own reflection in them . Just because of one man, Karabello Tau.
So when the thought of crying for loosing him to death hit me, I knew my tears were about to dry out. I whispered a little prayer and said, Not now Lord, not now. Not anymore. Not again.....
Right there on the hospital floor, with people starring at me, I wiped off my tears as the doctor extended his hand to pull me up. I stood up and finish off wiping off the tears that was already gathering on my face. I looked straight into the doctor’s eyes and asked him again if Kevin had died. The doctor gave me a silly grin and shook his head. He said Mr Tau had not died, thanks to me for bringing him as faster as I did because had I waited or wasted few more minutes, we would be talking something else. Either death or brain damage. The doctor went on explaining Kevin's condition, what treatment was given, which tests were conducted and the results. and advised on continued treatment he will need.
Turned out that Kevin had overdosed on some heavy cocaine and suffered mild brain hypoxia. Apparently when Kevin was out of breath, his brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen etc. Luckily he was revived back to life and regained consciousness. Dr assured me that Kevin was out of danger but would need serious medical intervention. He further said he would want to keep him few more days to make sure that he was hundreds especially given his previous medical history and complications caused by the overdose. Dr said I could go and see him. I thanked the doctor and he left.
I just stood there frozen. Thinking and wondering about the shit I was experiencing and going through in just a short period of time. Upon Kevin rocking up at my house uninvited. My life just got complicated. I had to decide if I wanted to go on with my life like this...
Ka nnete mara, at what point in life does the human heart shuts down, and emotions end? When does one’s heart say, “Look I’ve had enough. I’m tired of being broken, torn, betrayed, stabbed in the back, left to be shattered into pieces and be left to slowly bleed out. I’m done being neglected, I am done being hurt, I am done being strong and taking in all this bullshit I am being given everyday. I have no more to give to anyone. Leave me alone.”
What pushes it to that point? Where it’s walls are so thick and so high and so immovable that nothing can get through. Where it’s turned to a hard stone. Indifferent and cold. How many sharp spears can be hurled at it from all types of sources? How many knives twisting to the core? How many times can it be shattered, abandoned, stabbed, disappointed, emptied and left for dead before it simply vanishes?
And then what?
What happens when it’s a lump of gannet in your chest? Does it ever go back to pliable sand? What would motivate it to care? And why after many years of friends, family, lovers, trying to drain the life out of it, why would it ever want to care any longer? That was my heart. It had reached a breaking point.
So true, a broken heart never mend. They may put a tunicate on and keep functioning. They may even close the gaping wound over time. But they never really, fully mend. The scars are there. And after a while scars upon scars turn to cartilage and cartilage becomes so thick and inflexible that it causes it’s own pain in addition to the pain it’s covering up.
It’s a very real fear I have. The past few years have taken their toll on my heart from every angle. I believe that in life you get what you give… which leaves me as the common denominator, I’m smart enough to figure that out. But I look at the ones who have thrown daggers in the front and back of my heart the past few years. I thought of Kevin and all the ones I’ve put myself out there for and loved them wholeheartedly only to be betrayed in the end… and I asked myself the very serious question…
What the f#(k?
Well in each case circumstances vary. Family is definitely different than lovers, and friends obviously. But all I can think was how can someone who’s professed their love for you turn their back so quickly and end up hurting you so much? I can’t think of anyone in my lifetime that I have treated that way. Where one day I was on their side, and in their corner and the next I was throwing them under the bus. Standing by to watch it crush them with a satisfied smirk on my face. I just don’t have that in me. I’m full of flaws, I make mistakes and obviously I am Not Perfect. But I could never be cruel, cold and malicious like that.
As I stood there thinking, I could not get my head around how many people in my life are that way. And why are they always the ones I wind up trusting? When will my dumbass learn?
I don’t want to give up on what’s good and beautiful in life. I don’t want to close my heart to the opportunity of how amazing love can be, but at what point does that stop being my choice? I don’t want to wake up one day ten years from now and realize that it happened long ago. I have reached my wits end. Enough was enough. Hard as it is, I knew it was time I take control of my life and my happiness.
I slowly walked towards the room where Kevin was. As I entered the room, he was wide awake starring up the ceiling. I pulled a chair next to his bed and just looked at him. For a moment there was silence until he broke it.
Kev: Bobo.. I am sorry
Nna: No Kevin, I am the one that is sorry. God... I feel so stupid for ever believing and trusting you. You are one selfish person I know.
Kev: Please forgive me Bobo. I never meant to disappoint you and put you through all this.
Nna: You are good at apologising, good at empty promises and lies Kevin. I am sorry I can’t believe or trust anything that comes out of your mouth. You really opened up my eyes. Unfortunately sorry doesn’t cut it for me anymore . It’s just not enough especially without actions.
Kev: I understand that I let you down too many times and I always promised to be a better husband and father and I just keep messing up. Bobo, this time I mean it, I am going to make things right.
Nna: Good luck with making things right. Frankly I don’t care anymore Have you any idea what you have put me through? In just two days, you turned my life upside down Kevin. You are so selfish and think of yourself alone. You kept saying you are going to fix things for you kids’ sake. Look where you are now? What are you fixing? Have you for a second thought of what this could do to your kids? To yourself? You could have died dammit! And all you can say is that you are sorry? No Kevin. You are not sorry and you will never be sorry. You will never change and you know what, I’m tired of thinking and hoping you would change. I’m too tired
Kev: Bobo, I killed a man. Do you know what that means? I messed up my life, I messed up my kids’ lives and I messed your life too and I am still prepared to pay for everything. I just got a little bit scared and thought of using that stuff one last time before I get arrested, unfortunately I overdid it. I know it was wrong for me to use it, especially after promising you that I wanted to be clean. You have every right to be angry. I deserve that. I am so sorry.
Nna: Cut the bull Kevin! I’ve been through the same route with you before. You are not capable of keeping any promises. There’s always a reason with you. This time around Kevin, I am not going to fall for your lies and empty promises anymore. Oh by the way, who said that you killed a man? Even if you did, why do you want to end your life? Put your kids through the pain of loosing you? You told me that you were done with messing up, yet you consciously went and bought those stuff, brought them to my house and used them in our home, where your kids lives. You tell me it was one last time? Really? Just admit that you are a junkie and need help.
Kev: Ohk I admit, I need your help Bobo. I need to fight this addiction. We don’t know what happened to your colleague, hence I’m assuming that I killed him. And am prepared to pay for my crime.
Nna: Ooh really. Well, you didn’t kill anyone. Thank God! Your actions nearly killed an innocent man. And you know what’s funny? The man you think you killed, decided not to let you go down for shooting him. You know why? He thought of your kids and what loosing their father could do to them. But You! You couldn’t think about them. Hence you are here glued to machines and all. You are so selfish. And you know what? I blame myself too. I have made too many excuses for you, I have protected you so many times believing you would change. But No. You always make promise but you never keep them. You will never change.
Kev: Wait a minute! Is your colleague not dead? I did not kill him? Why are you only telling me now? How did you find out? When did you find out?
Nna: Friday night!
Kev: And you didn’t tell me why? I was about to hand myself to the police for murder and you didn’t tell me this?
Nna: what difference would it have made? Yes! He is not dead, but he’s in hospital and you shot I’m with unlicensed gun. I tried to talk you out of your decision but you told me that you have made up your mind to hand yourself over to the police. And besides, I wanted to see if you would actually carry that through. But I guess the coward you are, wouldn’t have had the balls to do it. Anyway now that you know that you did not kill that man and that he doesn’t want you to pay for what you did, just know that I wash my hands off you. I’m tired of going through the roller coaster with you. I get into deep shit for you.
Everything that I went through, you are the one who put me through it. For the six months you were not around, my life was better, I was doing fine, I was happy and content...then suddenly on Friday you came back, and you turned it upside down. Look where we are now! With you is one bad thing after another. I am sorry I can’t take it anymore.
Kev: Obonolo Tau, what are you saying? Please don’t turn your back on me. I need you to help me. You and the kids are the reason I want to live. The reason I want to be a better person. Please I need you.
Nna: You know Kev, all through our relationship, all I ever wanted was to love you and be loved back by you. I would have done everything for you. I played my part as a partner and wife..But most of the time you have managed to let me down. The sad thing is that I still love you with all my heart in spite of all that you put me through.
You have become a part of me, a part of my heart, a piece of my insides that I can’t bear to think of living without. My love for you runs so very deep. Our lives have intertwined so much that somehow nothing made sense without you. At times Life doesn’t make sense without you. And I don’t make sense without you. But that was then! Now I know you are my worst nightmare Kevin. You are my dangerous drug, my cocaine. The sooner I learn to stop snorting on you, the happier and sober I will become. I decided this is where it all ends.
I could stay and love you - I could stay and be your partner, be your forever, be your happily-ever-after. But there would always be a missing piece inside of me: a piece that will always question if I did the right thing by staying and loving you through the pains and not trying to take on the world on my own, by not taking the risk. I will be doing you injustice by letting you back in our lives. You are damaged, you need to work on you.
Maybe there is something out there for you and for me. I just know it. There is something pulling me away to not settle down here and stay complacent with this life. And though you are here, I know that there is more than just this.
It pains me to think of life without you. It tears me apart and makes me feel broken, but there is something telling me that this isn’t right, something telling me that you and I are not good for each other anymore, we might force to bring back what we used to be but it’s time for us to part ways.
I know that one day I may look back and question if I did the right thing - question if I left the best thing that ever happened to me - but I am willing to take that risk. Perhaps one day the Universe will cross our paths. In some twisted way, perhaps we will find each other again. But for now, my darling Kevin, I must go. What you do with your life from here forward, is no longer my concern. I suggest you call your family and let them know that you are here and ask them to help you through this. They are the reason your life is so messed. Let them help you. I'm done. When you get out of here, I want us to start with divorce proceedings. I’m sorry Kevin. I have put my life on hold for so long. It’s time I pick up the pieces and move on. God knows I tried.
Kev: Bobo, please don’t leave me. Please don’t walk away from me now.
Nna: I wish I could stay and love you, my dearest lavo, but I can’t ! I have to go. You have to let me go. Because if you don’t, our lives will be filled with resentments, pain and dishonesty. I don’t want that life anymore. And isn’t it better to leave us beautifully happy like this? Than going to destroy the little special bond of parenthood we share? Let’s admit it Kevin, whatever we had we had..
Kev: I love you so so much Bobo and It doesn’t matter how long it will take, but I will fight for you. For us. For our family.
Nna: I love you too! But it’s not enough Karabello! Goodbye!
I stood up, kissed Kevin on his forehead and walked away. This time with no intention of looking back or coming back. I was done.
The saddest, most heart-wrenching feeling in the world is the sight of someone you love going in the opposite direction as you in life - when something just simply is not working. They won’t leave, but something in you knows that you have to.
The reality of it is, you love this person with your whole heart, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. Enough to make you stay.

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