Mzansi Stories : Last kiss: Our mistakes
Showing posts with label Last kiss: Our mistakes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Last kiss: Our mistakes. Show all posts

Monday, November 2


Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 24

"Its so funny how you have sensation of pain around your chest when you're emotionally broken."Unknown
You know when you breathe fresh air and surround yourself with new people, you learn a few things about yourself. You get to look at your life through a strangers eyes and laugh at how wrong they are about you and how crazy some intentions are but most of all your level of tolerance. I don't love Phiwe at least not the way I want too, not the way he wants me too. He was speaking marriage and I was imagining Gcobani during sex, Olwethu's words were eating me up but I needed the money and he knew I didn't love him, at least I think he did. The signs were there and but then again I was being a great actress, could have fooled myself too. My last day I woke up with a call from my parents.
Mom"Ubuya nini na?"
Me"Soon, nandi khumbula?"
They both laugh and I smiled like they could see me.
Tata"Ewe khabuye, woyika your results"
Laughter turned into tears, everything came creeping back like a thief in the night.
Mama"Hay tshini, we saw you study. You tried mtanam and regardless of the outcome thina we are proud of you"
I wasn't ready to just admit to my parents that I didn't want to disappoint them, I'd be the first one to fail, suddenly I wanted them to hug me and tell me everything will be fine.
Me"I don't want to fail"
Mom"Then maybe you didn't, but whatever happens sikhona thina. No one else matters, they don't know your struggles, the amount of times you screamed because you get a sum right"
Dad"Ungakhali, sobona nge mini yephepha"
That day I spent the whole day in bed, Phiwe left with his friends and I needed him to be gone so I can cry myself to sleep.
I went back to PE on the 6th the next day I would be getting my results, my parents didn't say much but their faces were speaking in volumes. I got a call from private number.
I wore my uggs his hoodie because it was quite cold. I told my parents I am going for a walk, Gcobani was standing right outside my house.
Gcobani"Awufuni chips?ndiyothenga umbane"
I nodded and we walked in silence, he just held my hand which bothered me a little.
Me"I have a boyfriend"
Gcobani"I know, I have seen the pictures"
Me"Then why are you holding my hand?"
Gcobani"Because you need assurance, I still love you"
Me"Don't do that please, make it seem like we are cool"
Gcobani"I don't want you back"
Gcobani"Sanele says ukhala gqithi, he asked me to check up on you"
Me"I don't need your pity"
Gcobani"Khathule Fey"
We bought the electricity and then my chips, he walked me home.
Gcobani"We both know you passed, Good night my Spider monkey"
He kissed my forehead and left, I wanted Phiwe to have this effect on me. Or maybe he could when given the chance.
I didn't sleep while everyone was fast asleep, I was on Facebook waiting for someone to tag but dololo. I accepted I failed. Around 6am my phone rang and I wiped my tears then cleared my throat.
Gcobani"I told you"
Gcoboni"Fezeka stop crying and tell Mthuzi no Thandi upase ngo D"
I laughed,I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Was overwhelmed, I ran to my parents.
Mama"Thank you God"
My father hugged me, I think him crying motivated my tears.
Me"I already have plans"
we all laughed
Mom"I am so proud of you"
Moments like these
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Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 23

"It begins at home"
I learned in the earliest age that my mother missed out on her teenage years, she had to raise her siblings and their children. Lisa taught me two things 1. Never seek a relationship 2. Always remember number 1, but I am nothing like Lisa I am on the "let me try" side and that has been my downfall. I looked at my mother I wanted her to ask me why was I crying, or how was my day. Wait don't misunderstand me, she is a good parents within her right but she lacks a lot of that smothering. My father on the other hand, he is that guy who understands his wife to the point where he plays both roles not saying my mother is a bad parent no but she has her short comings just like my dad.
So after Christmas Phiwe sent me money to visit him in Joburg, and I asked Sanele to cover for me. To my parents I went to Yanela, they have no reason to doubt me because I always go kulo Yanela. I left for Johannesburg on the 27 of december and I was planning to return on the 4th. Was I nervous? not really, nothing could possibly go wrong because I prayed, and I needed this. I arrived around 9am, he was already there waiting for me. We hugged.
Me"I need to sleep"
Phiwe"You look so beautiful"
I smiled although I found that so corny but I knew his intentions were good.
Me"Can we go?"
We walked for 20 minutes before arriving etaxi and something that felt like a life to get to Mapetla. When we finally arrived I took a bath and wore my pyjamas.
Me"Can I sleep first then we'll talk after"
Phiwe"Eat then ulale"
He was being so sweet which made me suspicious, nice people terrify me. I agreed to eat but I wanted to have cereal, he offered me Coco Pops . We made small talk, he was nothing like Gcobani yonke into about him was everything I disliked in a guy. He ate my food, he touched my face and called me pet names.
Me"I am really exhausted"
He kissed me which made me uneasy, I thought I was inlove with this guy and most of the time it felt like I was. Yet when he kissed me, nothing happened no butterflies, no curling toes nothing just pure self loath. I responded, he took of my pyjama top then sucked my right boob which normally drives me nut but this time I just wanted him to finish.
He stood up and went to his drawer, I took off my pants and quickly fingered myself so I can be wet. He returned and inserted himself, I moaned then looked up thinking about Gcobani. He was grunting, sweating on top off me and every few minutes I threw a moan for him.
He came and I didn't even reach any orgasm, he wiped himself then gave me the cloth . I wore my pyjamas then slept.
The following day we went to his friends, whom honestly annoyed the hell out of me. We chilled with them for 6 straight hours, I was probably the problem and hlambi abananto or Sanele calling me enxilile telling me ndaphoswa.
Sanele"Mfondini andazi! I am so faded mtase, wena wenzani?"
I wasn't faded, I was sober as hell.
Me"I am at a braai"
Sanele"Let me bounce, depression ewundifaka kuyo"
We left around 11pm, I went inside the house and changed.
Phiwe"Uright? "
He tried to kiss me and I moved away then took off my pyjama pants, I quickly touched myself and we had sex. Was the sex bad? no but wasn't what I wanted. When he was sleeping, I went on Facebook and decided to inbox Olwethu.
Me" Why are you awake?"
Olwethu"On my out"
Me"You too? am I the only person that's sober human"
Olwethu"You should be drunk from cum"
Me"Hahaha I thought I would be too, not enjoying this as much as I thought I would"
Me"I feel like maybe I am not giving him a chance"
Olwethu"Or Maybe just maybe, you don't love the guy. Could you honestly say without his money you'd stay? or you'd even let him touch you?"
Me"Thats saying I am a prostitute"
Olwethu"No that's me telling you awuthandi lomntu, stop lying to that guy"
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Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 22

"It hurts sometimes but you will be fine."
I realized something about me and it really needs to stop, I give the man in my life so much power. Gcobani treated me like someone who needed rescuing and I let him, then Phiwe he treats me like I cannot think! I hate that. Yet I couldn't say shit! I let him because for some stupid reason I need his love, because he makes me belong. Stupid isn't it? I mean I have my parents and two amazing siblings yet I seek a sense of belonging in men, my finals finished and I went straight home without doing that phony shit of signing shirts. I got home and my mom was there, she told me I had two letters that Sne forgot to give to me.
Me"Ziphi? "
Mom"On your bed"
I went to my room, and I new what that orange bird was which university. I cried before opening it because I already knew the drill, small envelope means rejection and UJ had just rejected me. I opened it and cried even louder because I knew my parents wanted me to go to varsity, they may have claimed not to care but I know they did. I looked at the NMMU letter and I laughed at how pathetic I was, I mean I always say I don't want Nmmu and guess what? the feeling was just as mutual. I wanted to call someone anyone, I couldn't call Kay or Yanela because I told them to fuck off, I couldn't call Mandisi because I ruined that too by dating Phiwe and he wasn't support the relationship and Thando told me to fuck off. I had Olwethu and I couldn't call him, because I felt like a burden these days. So I cried my self to sleep.
I woke up from the floor and changed to my normal clothes, I sent my sister a pls call and she called.
Me"I got rejected"
I could sense the disappointment from all the way to PE.
Lisa"Tell your parents and own up, umoshile and I won't lie ungiphoxile but it doesn't matter. Next year we will send you to a college, you not the first to fail matric"
Me"But I will be the first apha"
Lisa"You are not Sanele and I, don't you dare compare yourself to us because we have fucked up too"
I couldn't help but cry, she was disappointed and I felt like shit. I failed my trial exams, I wrote crap on my finals hence failing matric was the inevitable.
Me"Ndifuna uhlala nawe next year"
Lisa"Fey speak to your parents because uyandi xabanisa, I cannot just take you in without Bhuti saying so"
Me"But he said its fine"
Lisa"Not kum, I cannot FeyFey as much as I want to"
I felt like someone was pulling me to hell and I was not even putting up a fight, everything was just crumbling and I couldn't do anything.
Lisa"Worse you're busy no Phiwe, your cousins ex nawe uyathethisa. You know that will add more drama"
Me"Lisa! she told me its fine"
Lisa"We cannot always defend you Fey, umdala ngoku"
What was happening? my own sister was turning against me.
Lisa"Shap, I'll call you tomorrow"
She dropped the phone, this is why I felt like Phiwe is the only person that cared because everyone else was just throwing me under the bus. I sat in bed reading my rejection letters like those words would say something else.
The next morning Phiwe's call woke me up.
Phiwe"Your cousin is crazy, she just tagged you on a status saying you betrayed her and you are dating her enemy which is me"
I didn't utter a word, probably letting it all sink in"
Phiwe"I … I don't know and she has over 20 comments"
I hung up and decided to put my phone on flight mode, I sat in bed for what felt like eternity when Sanele walked in.
I wasn't but him saying that triggered my tears, I couldn't stop crying on his lap and I knew akayazi athini naye.
Sanele"I support you, no matter what! She can fuck off! Facebook? nah that was low"
Me"Should… I… apologize?"
Sanele"No! fuck her, jonga vasa uyeku Olwethu"
Me"Cela uthi aze apha"
I tilted my head
We made small talk until Olwethu arrived, we went to sit outside.
Olwethu"I hate you for crying, never cry!"
I smiled at him
Olwethu"As far as beautiful people go, you are amazing! You should never ever allow anyone or anything take that away from you"
He kissed my forehead
Me"I needed that"
We decided on playing our favorite game "Say it in a song", I laughed at him singing Man who cannot be moved by The Script.
Me"Hahaha going back to the corner? what corner when our parents forced us to be friends"
Olwethu"And we've been inseparable ever since "
I smiled.
Me"Thank you, for always being there"
Olwethu"Thank for never judging"
Everything around me was crumbling but my friendship with Olwethu made sense. I took my phone and sent a text I should have sent a long time ago.
"I never meant to hurt you"
I needed to mend things with Gcobani, but I don't want him back just want us to be civil.
My life sucks sometimes
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Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 21

"It's so strange how the same thing Can make you feel so right And bring you so much pain. It's so strange how the same face Can make you love until it hurts" Fifth Harmony
How many personalities does this guy have? no seriously I cannot keep up, one day I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and the next day I am whoring victim. I think I read that message about 20 times, I had no desire to reply because ibizo baxeka and I am far too exhausted to be arguing. I decided to sleep.
The next few days were crazy, I was writing the whole week. So saturday Sanele took me out, we decided on Zanzibar well because its affordable but the vibe is always good.
Sanele"What should I get you?"
Sine and I went to sit down.
Me"Now or later"
Sine"Later, yamazi Sanele will act out"
Sanele came with the drinks and six tequila shots. I drank my two and downed with beer, the best part about going out with my brother is I can get wasted and know I am safe. I went to dance, I needed to dance.
Sanele"Check in kalok"
He gave me my phone and I checked in, knowing very well that my fellow matrics will judge the fuck out of me. As soon as I checked in, my phone rang and it was Phiwe.
I ran outside because it was really noisy, and I just know Phiwe will be on my case.
Phiwe"Where are you?"
Phiwe"I am not in the mood for your jokes"
Me"Why would I joke? I am in Parliament street google it"
Phiwe"Are you drunk? "
Me"Not yet, but my knees feel heavy but then again these heels are too high"
I giggled at comment and he didn't even laugh, which didn't bother me at all actually.
Phiwe"I am at home while my girlfriend is drunk! kanti who is the man here?"
Me"Was I suppose to ask for your permission?"
Phiwe"Kanti yini ngawe?"
Me"No! what is wrong with you? its okay for you to behave like my father … I don't appreciate the way …"
Me"No listen, you called me a whore and you expect me to just be okay with that"
Phiwe"You are behaving like one"
This guy is full of drama and he is exhausting.
Me"See now this whore is getting her grove on, fuck off "
I hung up, I turned around and two guys were laughing at me.
Guy1"That nigga caught feelings, if you were my girl I'd make you a side chick"
Me"I am 19, and being a side chick to a guy in Gauteng wouldn't be the worst thing"
I always call myself a feminist yet I do everything they stand against, I guess I was a part time feminist. I went inside and sat next to my brother, he told me they wanted to go check the vibe.
my phone vibrated and it was a message from Cell c telling me someone bought me R30 rand airtime. Then a text from a very familiar number followed.
Gcobani"Can we talk? I won't call, just want to text"
Me"What do you want?"
Gcobani"How are you? how are the exams"
Me"They are good, but what do you want?"
Gcobani"Okay I can tell awukho se mdleni wam, I need to ask you"
I chuckled
Me"Whats up?"
Gcobani"Can we divorce? I will give you time to think about it"
Me"Nah I am fine, akhonto we will divorce"
Gcobani"I am sorry"
Me"For what exactly? undijonge wabona isibhanxa ne? is that it?. You are such a hypocrite"
Gcobani"Uphembene! u cheated on me!"
Me"And you are fucking the girl, you told me not to worry about. What's your point?"
He replied after a while
Gcobani"I broke up with Asanda! didn't even love her, you have your head so far up your ass awuboni noba I love you. But fuck off"
I let these guys control me! I allow Phiwe to think, because he gives me money he can be the third parent yet get the benefits of a boyfriend. I went to buy myself 2 more tequila shots because Sine and my brother seemed to have ditched me. I decide on sending Phiwe a text.
"I need a man not a father, I am only 19 and you seem to forget that. I will NEVER change myself to accommodate you"
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Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 20

"When someone shows you who they are believe them.the first time".Maya Angelou
Anyone who knows me will tell you, I am easy influenced but that doesn't mean I am well at least not in my eyes. It simply means I am a kind person, but lately even I don't believe that crap anymore .
He dropped the phone and I asked myself "what just happened", not to compare but Gcobani didn't know shit about my Facebook nor did he even care and lo has been around for a month but he has my pin. I called Thando to give a heads up.
Too late
Me"Not my fault, was calling to warn you "
Thando"Nah Fey just fuck off bra"
Me"Heh! ndithe sorry"
Thando"Say it to someone who gives a fuck"
He hung up, which got me into panick mode! what the fuck just happened. I had my head in my ass! the thought of all the friends I was about to lose because of a psychotic boyfriend. I decided to switch off my phone, it was the only thing I could do because if he went crazy on Thando quite sure Gcobani was already blocked or removed .The next day I went to Olwethu and we decided on McDonalds, he needed to talk and I needed to feel needed. We took a taxi to Greenacres when we got there we decided on Steers, we ordered then sat down.
Me"Whats wrong? "
Olwethu"I had sex!"
Me"Real sex or Gay sex"
We both laughed, I love my gay friends.
Olwethu"Gay sex"
I screamed and then composed myself but screamed again, see Olwethu was gay but he wasn't really sure about his position.
Me"So receiver?"
Olwethu"Hahaha you were gay in your pass life"
Me"Hahaha would explain a lot, you know the new guy?"
Olwethu"The asshole? I don't like that guy"
Me"You didn't like Gcobani too"
Olwethu"Nothing changed, he took advantage of your love!"
Me"Delusion but Mamela, new guy has my Facebook and he is removing guys that flirt with me"
Olwethu"And you are with him because?"
Me"I like Him"
Olwethu"Udom yazi?!"
Me"He is marking his territory"
He gasped then rolled his eyes.
Olwethu"I am younger than you but I swear I have more brains"
Olwethu"Good get your head out of your ass and tell this idiot to stop raiding your inbox!"
He gave me my phone, I dialed Phiwe while Olwethu was giving me the "you are stupid"look.
Phiwe"Are you cheating on me?"
Me"What the hell! with who?"
Phiwe"Why is this guy inboxing you and asking you to come over?"
I won't lie I was annoyed.
Me"Myeke mfondini"
Phiwe"Some guy is treating the girl I want to marry as a booty call"
I am already fucken married! I.wanted to say that but I couldn't .
Me"So am I suppose to tell people to stop inboxing me?"
Phiwe"I don't know Fey"
What is with the men in my life? or the men I attract? or am I the problem? .
Me"Let me rather change my pin, us fighting is exhausting"
Phiwe"Set boundaries Fey, you are like a joy ride ko Gold reef everyone wants to get on" "And you are willing"
I won't lie that made cry, Olwethu took my phone and took out the battery out.
Olwethu"Get a new man and buy a new phone please"
I took a big bite from my burger.
Me"Do I whore around?"
Olwethu"You are 19 and you married your first love, yes you are a whore "
Me"Hahaha thank you"
Olwethu"Focus on yourself"
Me"You sound like Mandisi"
Olwethu"Trust a guy with acne, we give great advice"
Me" Hahaha I hate you"
We had an amazing lunch then we went home, I got home and practiced my maths.
Mom"Lala I'll wake you at 7"
Mom"Kuya bhaleka kodwa?"
I nodded, although maths was raping me but didn't want to stress her.
Mom"Lala ke and ndoku vusa late"
I took off my clothes, I could sleep naked until he returns. I took my phone and went on Facebook changed my pin then sent Phiwe an inbox.
"I think you are trying to control me and manipulation is a sign of emotional abuse"
I got in bed and waited for his reply, I wanted to dump him but I loved the money and the attention. He replied.
"Stop trying to be a victim, if I can be in Gauteng and remain loyal. Why is it so difficult for you to do the same? Grow up Fezeka"
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Last kiss: Our mistakes Chapter 19

"That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And
that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying." M.Grey
They have said have faith, every mistake is forgiven but forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. I am one of those people, I forget the world doesn't function/ revolve around me. Maybe that is my biggest downfall but I admit to my flaws, anyway Gcobani had proven to me what I've always known. He wasn't mine, he was never mine to begin with we were lessons to each other and maybe I am that girl, you know the bitch that makes the guy ruthless and maybe he is the guy that damaged me uninternationally but he did anyway . I took a vow in that taxi to never ever contact Gcobani Lombatha. I arrived home and my father was watching cricket, I greeted and he told me to watch with him.
Me"Not a cricket fan remember?"
Dad"Why do you hate it?"
Me"Don't hate it, just don't understand it"
He laughed at me then told me to sit down. He explained who was who and what they did, by the time the Proteas were batting I could understand.
Me"I take what I said back"
Dad"I told you"
we bonded over a game of cricket, for the first time in a long time my father and I laughed together without Sanele, Mama or Anelisa. He even wanted to know about my future plans, he asked about everything and I mean everything which was funny.
He smiled at me.
Me"Think I want to move in with Anelisa next year"
Dad"Why? "
Me"I need to find myself"
Dad"Were you even lost?"
Me"Not in that sense but I want life outside PE, I feel trapped"
Dad"Trapped? "
Me"Yes" "Allow me to take next year off, if I fail then I move back home"
Dad"Fail what?"
Me"Being independent"
Dad"So if you fail, you come back home"
I nodded
Dad"One year, but you leave here only if you find a job or a school, mna no Mamakho wont support you and Lisa will need your monthly contribution"
Dad"Yeva? "
Dad"Nmmu is waiting for you"
Me"Let me go study"
I know my father thought what he said would discourage me, instead it motivated me even more and after failing my trials I needed to bury myself in my books and appear that newspaper!
Dad"False. Evidence. Appears. Real"
Me"I am not scared"
Dad"Then what "
Me"You'll never understand"
My finals began and I can honestly say I was struggling, the first 3 papers I cried myself to sleep. My mom would wake me up everyday at 3am to study and she bought me bought me cans of Play energy drink. Zola and I broke up, the funny part I still found time for a new boyfriend but he wasn't a distraction behlale Joburg yena, he was 5 years older, had a kid and a stable job. Think I forgot to mention he was my cousin(Asi) ex boyfriend, it was meant to be just a fling but he said all the right things. He called during weekends because my phone was off during the week, he bought me 30rand which to me was a lot and he sent me money. Was my love being bought? it honestly didn't matter because he was providing things that Gcobani couldn't. With this relationship my cousin and I drifted, but not drastically because she claimed not to care. I decided to consult Mandisi because I respected his opinion.
Mandisi"Mtchanam I won't even lie, you will get hurt kule. He could be using you to get back at lo "
Me"what if he isn't "
Mandisi"Mfondini you will regret this"
The next day I was studying when Phiwe called, thats the new guy. He called almost everyday, which was annoying at times.
Phiwe"Who is Thando?"
Me"He is my Friend, why what happened? "
Phiwe"I don't like the way he speaks to you"
Me"Phi? what did he say?"
Phiwe"This boy is disrespecting me, I am your man but he is busy addressing you as babe"
Me"He has a girlfriend"
Phiwe"He wouldn't like it if I spoke to his girlfriend like that"
Me"Ngoku what should I do?"
Phiwe"Remove him, I won't be disrespected by little boys"
"Give me your Facebook pin"
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