Mzansi Stories : Life without my husband
Showing posts with label Life without my husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life without my husband. Show all posts

Sunday, July 12

Wizzy

Life without my husband chapter 75

Chapter 75

Unekamva
Ntombi, mom and I were in Baywest Mall, Mgidi goods shopping and Seth wanted the best for his Cape Town hahaha broke nigga demands. Mama"Ntombi I don't know if I should get you Timberlakes…" Ntombi and I laughed at her.  Me"Timberlands mama" she smiled embarrassed.  Ntombi"Yes yes!!!! yhuuu mama hell yeah" it felt good to see her smile, she deserved to smile. Me"So you back?" mama was walking infront of us which gave us a chance to talk. Ntombi"Have you told her?" Mama waved at us pointing at Due South, we both nodded. Me"Which part? Me being married or him not wanting a divorce" I know she meant well but she didn't understand. Me"Its not easy, I will always disappoint Entle and sometimes I just want to show her I am not a burden" We walked to the shop. Ntombi"Tell her, make her understand . She needs you more than any of us, you are sanity and she loves you more than you could ever imagine" she hugged me. Me"Are you fine?" she nodded. Ntombi"I have my family, it doesn't get any better than you guys" We joined mama, she bought clothes for Ntombi and I after that we went to eat then grocery shopping. Mama"Une your father called izolo" Ntombi looked at us. Ntombi"No tell him akezi,  this year we are all spending Christmas together and by together I mean everyone" Mama was caught off guard,her jaw almost dropped to the floor. Me"Who is everyone?" she took put her phone. Ntombi"Us, tata,Sanele's mother and obviously Sanele, Viwe's mother and Siyanda along with her husband, aunt Nandi and Nwabi along with their children,Une's father and aunt Zenani along with my little munchkin Lunani "  Mom and I were staring at her. Mama"Rha! asoze not kwam!!! asoze mtanam andifuni" One thing was for sure, the old Ntombi was back. Ntombi"Remember the traditional healer you took us too, he said ndingu ngcinikhaya and no offense but you and dad will eventually pass away … I have no desire to have family feuds so, so fight with them its fine but we won't and I hope you understand" Think she was far too shocked to understand, so she just shrugged. Although what Ntombi said gave me an idea, I decided to face the music and face my past "Hey we need to talk, ndim Unekamva . Its time we tell everyone the truth or just divorce in silence"

Thato
Cwenga and Thando were playing with Mvaba, yes my son finally got discharged and I was beyond happy. Cwenga and I were still separated, occasionally we would do the dance when he visits and I know it was wrong but it felt good. Although I think Bonga was too confused with the arrangements, she still held a torch for us and I hated that because Cwenga and I make sense apart . He keeps me happy sexually and I take care of his children, regardless of our arrangements our parents misunderstood us. His mother even had an intervention instructing us to talk, but talking makes things complicated so we decided not to label us. I asked Zimkitha and Kathy for advice, they told me not to give him my cookie because I will eventually fall inlove with him and he will leave me again. Cwenga"I think he pooped" he gave me Mvaba. Me"Change his nappy kalok" Thando offered.  Me"Hahaha let your father do it" Bonga was distant, she hardly included herself . Me"Bobo" she looked up. Bonga"Uhm?" not mama. Me"Are you fine?" she nodded, I knew she wasn't about to tell me anything so I nudged Cwenga. Cwenga"Bobo, talk to me kudala uthule. You hardly hold Mvaba and izolo you took Manzi sat with him in your room" Thando took Manzi and went out leaving us with Bonga. Bonga"Tata ngubani mamam? I need to find my parents… " Tears just came out and I let them fall. Bonga"Mama said she will always tell me the truth, so I am ready to hear it" Cwenga took Mvaba and went out, he was crying Cwenga was crying. Me"Kutheni? did we do something? or ndim because I left with Thando instead of you? Cwenga picked you and you two get along better, ndakucela Bonga… Tell me what we did" she started crying, my mother walked in and hugged Bonga. Ma"Bobo yini? " Bonga wasn't saying anything she just pulled away and ran out. Me"I raised her! Cwenga and I gave her everything she needed, never did she feel left out! why now Mma? why is she doing this? They didn't want her, we raised her as our own Mma! Its unfair" I always knew this day would come, When we decided to adopt we knew the consequences but I never thought it would hurt so much"  I wanted to cry to Entle, she would know what to do but we drifted apart.

Lonwabo fetched Seth's supper and left, well he spoke to his children.  Kamva"Tata my car kaloku" he laughed at her. Lonwabo"Hahaha our deal was you pass all your modules and I get your car fixed, you failed a module so you're pedestrian until I think you deserve a gift from me" he hugged her and kissed Ntombi's forehead.  Ntombi"awubuyi?" I shouted ndise kitchen "Yahamba, bye Lonwabo" he came towards me. Lonwabo"Umgidi ka Seth usondele" he held my waist. Me"ulambisa unyana wam" he let go and smiled. Lonwabo"I like this Entle" he pulled me closer grabbing my behind. Me"Yafuna" he nodded. Me"Drop off ukutya ka Seth and drive to your girlfriends house! uzokupha yena" I pushed him and walked out but he pulled my arm. Lonwabo"You will be back" I giggled raising my eyebrows. Me"Mistake yakho, I never left nguwe umntu who left" ……"Elahlobo umkengalo, uzobuya ngalo. I never left you,you left me lets not get it twisted"


Tshini
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Wednesday, July 8

Wizzy

Life without my husband chapter 74

Chapter 74

I sat in the car waiting for the aliens, we had a really long day ahead of us and I knew they would need convincing. Seth and Une raced to the car, probably to ask me if they can drive. Me"Seth will drive ngokuya and Kamva you'll drive xasibuya" they both laughed. Seth"You read minds" I laughed while nodding.  Me"Uphi Kayse?" Seth shrugged "Andimazi, she was throwing up the last time I checked " Une looked really worried.  Me"Kwenzeka nto?" Une suggested I check on her ngokwam. Une"Mihlali called earlier ebekhala, Ntombi is drowning" I got out of the car, walking to house whispering a little prayer. Me"Kayse" she was under the covers crying, she wasn't wearing anything.  Me"Thetha nam baby" I took off my shoes and got in bed with her, she moved close laying her head on my chest. Me"Sukhala MaGaba, don't cry baby wam" she moved her head "Mama I am scared" I decided not to say anything, for once just actually listen to her. Ntombi"I feel so dirty, I can bath a 1000 times yet that doesn't change anything … I feel so empty, sometimes like a waste of space… I don't get why you love me when I hurt you more than anything else… Mama I always make you cry, dad left you because of us and the weirdest thing you always say its not our fault but we stopped believing that now… Does he blame me? I always wonder if she never put her fingers  between my legs would Seth still protect me? would Viwe stop watching over me like my God? would you actually look at me like everyone else, not with guilt in your eyes? would tata touch me? would bhuti stop having those nightmares?… Ndim Mama ne? I tried suicide more than ten times and I failed, I feel like a burden kuni mna. I don't want to be a burden, I want to be normal, I don't to be Ntombi the girl who got molested.…" she wiped her tears. Me"Ufuna uthini bhabham" she looked at me like she was waiting for suggestions. Me"I promise you, we will do whatever you want. I will not make decisions for you though" she sat up, she was trembling. Me"Ufuna uthini" I hated seeing my daughter like this.  Ntombi"Abortion" she whispered. Me"Mamela I won't lie to you, it will haunt you mtanam and somedays will be worse than others. You will cry and scream pray to God forgiveness but you will have to forgive yourself first, before depression crawls in your life and before you start cutting again, before you take pills to numb yourself, uyeva?. But silapha! Unekamva and I we will be here for you, Seth, Mbasa and Viwe will protect you no matter what and Lonwabo loves you Kayise but maybe he needs to grow up naye. Andimazi and I won't talk on his behalf, but with or without him our family will fight each others battles and mtanam ngaphinde uthi umdaka! what Esihle did was cruel and disgusting! Ayo fault yakho! it will never be your fault yeva? ngaphinde uzivalele ukhale! khala kum, I am here for you" She cried until she fell asleep, I watched her sleep and I silently cried too. Me"God please just a little sunshine, its been raining for far too long! A little light, we are tired of darkness.  Bawo intshaba zethu sisinqogile, Thixo sothule lemithwalo, Asibuzi ngemiqondiso yakho Somandla ngoba sithembele kuwe naxana kungekho themba. Punish me instead of my children, protect them Lord" I kissed her forehead leaving to sleep, went to tell Kamva and Seth we were not leaving anymore.
****************
The next two days went by fast, after my talk with Ntombi we went to the abortion clinic the next day and that day I cried more than her but any parent would.  I decided to do something I haven't done in years, took all 3 of them to a traditional healer.  Bavasa and bachazwa, Seth was the main reason I had to protect my son both traditionally and spiritually.  The morning of ungena kwakhe Lonwabo arrived with Viwe, his family was there kum it was Bulelwa and Lumka. I wanted to cry but everyone told me to be strong, if I cry then Seth would be scared. Seth"Nolhiza" I jumped up and hugged him tight. Me"Ubuye mntanam, please return because ndingafa andifuni no xoka " he hugged me tight too.  Seth"Ndizobuya" he kissed my lip and laughed. Seth"I love you and I will see you soon" I hugged him again. Mbasa"Entle hayi kalok"  I laughed letting go of him, they finally left and the house was suddenly quiet.  Lumka"I need a drink" she stood up and went to the kitchen. Me"I need to take a walk" I took my phone and went to sit outside because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, I decided to call my human journal. Me"I am scared cela undihlekise" he laughed. Bulelani"Buck up hahaha " we both laughed, Bulelani and I work together, well he is doing my old job. Me"Sudika hahaha, I miss work" I was hardly there kodwa. Bulelani"Hahaha you are never here kodwa, but we miss you too" we spoke about work until he interrupted me. Bulelani"Can I take you? two adults, having harmless fun" The first person that came to mind was Lonwabo, me not wanting to hurt Lonwabo and how he would feel. Bulelani"Entle just you, We will go after your son recovers but tomorrow you owe me lunch" I felt so guilty which was so unfair. Me"Hahaha I know, thank you. Really you've been amazing" after Bulelani's call, I sent Thato a text "Is this how it feels kanti? life without you, I hate us lately.  I hope Mvaba is okay, I am here for you no matter what! call me Thato"  I walked back inside a text came in but it was Zimkitha "Bukho allowed the twins to come kum for the holidays :D!!!!! Entle I am spending Christmas with my children! I cannot stop crying and dancing, thank you for speaking to him. I appreciate you :) " I couldn't help but smile.
**********
That same night Lonwabo returned with Bukho and Siyanda, they assured me Seth is fine and his other cousin will look after him. Lonwabo"Can we talk?" I stood up following him to the kitchen,he closed the kitchen door. Me"Whats wrong?" I leaned on the kitchen counter. Lonwabo" I have to return to work, before I leave I wanted to tell you ndikubhatele" I told him okay.  Lonwabo"And I am sorry about Sindile" I walked towards my knife collection and pulled one out.  Me"No don't do that, don't be sorry" I walked to the fridge and took out the watermelon, he was staring at me.  Lonwabo"Ufuna nto Likhona?" I stopped chopping and looked at him. Me"Honestly nothing, I don't want you kwam, I don't want you in my bed, inside of me and honestly I don't care what you do anymore Lonwabo" I took a dish cloth and cleaned up the mess. Me"I am done coming second kuwe, because I deserve better! I deserve a King someone who will worship the ground I walk on, Lonwabo I never asked for much but for you to stay home wazi abantwana bakho! qha but akhonto that ship has sailed" He tried to talk but I cut him off. Me"Have some watermelon its juicy" he banged the microwave and I was startled. Me"Xabekutheni?" he was angry. Lonwabo"Ndithini? I miss you Entle" he moved close. Lonwabo"Miss my family, please Entle don't shut me out" I laughed.  Me"Your children will always be yours, me on the other hand? forget baby! bucinga uzotyana nam everytime uzapha you're wrong! my honeypot isn't yours anymore and I honestly think you don't deserve it" I opened the door. Me"Thank you for choosing her, when we needed you"

I am done


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Tuesday, July 7

Wizzy

Life without my husband chapter 73

Chapter 73
Monday we left East London around 2pm, leaving Bulelwa there she agreed to house sit until we find someone to rent there, Unekamva drove us to PE and Viwe was on snack duty while Ntombi and Seth were on music duty. Seth"I have 5 days before ndihambe" he was leaving for initiation school and as a parent I was beyond scared on his behalf but I wasn't letting it show. Ntombi"So do I have to say Bhuti? lets be honest Bhut' Seth doesn't sound right" she pulled his cheek. Seth"Hahaha futsek! Mama are you moving back to Cape Town next year? I have two options Nmmu or Rhodes" Une smiled at me. Unekamva"Hahaha ncoo he wants to be near mommy" Ntombi was defending Seth from Viwe and Une. Viwe"Hahaha ndithenqa ungafuni uhamba nam" Seth wasn't even phased. Me"No I am staying, I found a school for Ntombi too Harvest Christian School and no more funny business ngoku " Ntombi hugged me from behind. Ntombi"Mama" I smiled. Me"Ndakuxolela, but I want you to trust me Ntombi" Viwe and Seth exchanged looks. Viwe"Tata yena? " I wasn't about to turn my kids against Lonwabo never, he was doing that on his own. Me"I don't know about Lonwabo but mna, ndim lo and I really want to build a relationship with each and everyone of you. I know that will take sometime but I am willing to wait, but dont take advantage Unekamva and Seth" they both laughed. Seth"U changed mom hahaha" after my little speech we were talking like old friends, they were telling me about their relationships and I realized I really didn't know my children but I was at least trying . When we arrived Ebhayi we went to Greenacres instead of going home, Viwe was buying groceries (junk) for his siblings. Seth"Imnadi imali ka Alwaba shame hahaha" I decided to buy groceries for Seth. Ntombi"You will cook for him mama?" I nodded. Seth"Hahaha mama cooking isn't your thing though" I wasn't offended because it was true. Me"Haska"

I drove to the house ngokwam, we dropped Viwe in Lorraine kwa Alwaba. Viwe"I'll see you thursday" He hugged me. Ntombi"Bring your little brother, I miss that little ant" We all laughed at her. Seth"He is older than you! hahaha mama Ntombi is scaring me" Siyanda came to the car with Alwaba,Ntombi and Une were smiling. Siyanda"Molweni Sisi" he hugged me and bro hugged Seth. Me"Awumde, how is grade 10 treating you" he told me he will be in grade 11 next year and the rugby was going well too. Alwaba"Iphi moto ka Viwe?" I guess she still held a grudge against me. Viwe"Dabawo drove to PE, iseMagxaki" she nodded and turned around going inside. Siyanda"Don't mind her, work is hectic " I just hugged Viwe and we left, obviously in the car we gossiped. We arrived in Kabega and Lonwabo wasn't there, I honestly didn't care and I can say it felt good not to give a damns. I took a shower and checked my work, I took my phone and called Thato but her phone was on voice mail. "Mama" It was Seth, I told him to come in. Seth"Ndizo lalapha" I removed my things to make space for him. Me"Whats wrong" He took my laptop and played the Empire sound track. Me"You're not him" Empire was our favorite series next to Game of thrones, Viwe was our guy well mna I was forced to watch but always end up loving everything more than them. Seth"He is my father and I left Bonga when she got pregnant, I hardly speak to Bonga the only thing that combines us is Manzi or her shouting at me for never being around" I sat up. Me"Fix it, akuncendi uhlale apha and not do anything about it. Uyoluka kuleveki, that means you'll be a man. Running away from your problems is for boys, men face their issues and make sure they are dealt with" he was smiling. Me"And ungoyiki mtanam, uzobuya pha and you'll come back healthy stronger than you can imagine" he laughed. Seth"Initiation school Nolhiza not super hero camp" I was enjoying this moment. Seth"Can I ask you something? How come you never gave up on me? " I shrugged . Me"somedays I wanted too, but you are my son and umzali akamncami umtana wakhe" spoke about everything, we planned umgidi, we planned Mzansi's first birthday and we spoke about him studying Law, I bonded with Seth on another level. Me"I have a long day tomorrow" he switched off the lights. Seth"Good night Nolhiza"
Ntombi*
The birds were already singing Unekamva and I spoke the whole night, fear wouldn't allow me to sleep. Unekamva"Go bath, and trust you'll be fine" My phone rang it was Mihlali, I showed Une and she told me to answer it. Mihlali"55 calls later" yeah I have been ignoring him and he called each everyday. Me"My gran passed away" he told me Une told him but I was ignoring him before that. Me"I thought you don't want me, since ndise PE ngoku" guilt was eating me up, Une whispered 'Tell him the truth' but I wasn't ready to although he deserved it. Mihlali"I lost you the minute you left ne?" sigh… "Ntombi what happened? at least tell me to stop waiting for you, is this about your first time? I told you not to rush it. The weird part about your silence, it left me appreciating the little things about your presence, Ntombi I always thought you exaggerate Ed Sheeran's talent because your parents love him but your silence got me listening to him and Frank Ocean. Bra ndakuthanda and I know ungumntana but I told you I will wait ukhule but give me a sign…… Ntombikayise" I wiped my tears. Me"Do me a favor" he agreed. Mihlali"Ufuna ndithi? " I looked at Unekamva and I couldn't get myself to tell him. Me"Listen to wonderwall its also by Ed Sheeran" sigh "Mihlali let me sort me out kuqala, I want to play games 14 year olds play, focus on Netball and lately I think I might be really good at this poetry thing . I don't know Mihlali but I want to be 14 again and I cannot do that with us dating, I am sorry" I cried so loud I think he could hear me. Mihlali"Are you sure?" for once in a long time I supported my own decision. Me"Just listen to the song or read the lyrics" I dropped the phone
My wonderwall


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Monday, July 6

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 72+

Chapter 72+

1 month later
I think delusion is created to shield ourselves from accepting change, after the funeral I developed a new habit and it soothes me and it comforts me more than imaginable.  I sit in Lolo's room and talk to her no tata, some days its like they answer me and some they laugh with me but I appreciate it most when they sleep next to me. God has took so much from me, I don't want to admit reality because I am not ready to admit I am alone . I am no longer Entle Lolo's daughter or Nolhiza ka Bra'Scibo, suddenly this world felt a lot more shallow, a lot more dark, and a hell lot more lonely . I know I have children and a husband but they are not my parents, they will never be as much as they will try to fill the void. I will never call Lolo again and cry to her, I will never get a chance to show my father my MTech never! I will never show my parents my achievements, I will never get the chance to do a lot of things with them but nothing haunts me more than the last words. I sad things to Lolo that I will never be able to take back, she died before she could know I actually love her regardless of everything and my father will never know how greatful I am to have been raised by an amazing man. Moments I will never get back, falling pregnant with Une, marrying Lonwabo without telling my father, pretending Une doesn't exist because of being ashamed, treating Lolo like shit because she was different from other others. I will never get the chance to thank MamQocwa for taking me in as her own, loving me unconditional even when I didn't deserve it, defending me when I screw up but mostly for teaching me endurance and being the meaning of ubangu mfazi. I forgot her teachings because of my anger, trying to compete with Lonwabo instead of ukwakha ikhaya for my children.  But I guess I had to make amends now, fix whats left of my family and God knows there isn't much but I will.
°°°°°°°
Saturday morning I woke up at 4am, I took a shower and got dressed leaving for Cofimvaba. I had a lot to sort of and Sindile is key to everything, my pride didn't matter anymore. Seth"Uyaphi?" I took my car keys. Me"Ndiyeza, just look after everyone" I drove blocking all my thoughts, I wanted nothing that will make me change my mind and yes Lonwabo wasn't worthy of my sacrifices but my children were, but Ntombi mostly.  I arrived at 10 after asking around where she stayed but I finally found the house, it looked homely with the white fence which made me envy her for even having time to decorate, have a lovely garden, green grass and she had my husband too. I knocked, she opened the door and froze . Sindile"Likhona…" I waved. Me"Can I come in?" she nodded and moved to the side, I entered. Sindile"He isn't here" I turned around and raised my eyebrows.  Me"Who?" I wanted to hear her say his name. Sindile"Your husband, my boyfriend whatever we refer to him as" she shrugged.  Me"You still with him?" the spark in her eyes said it all, the pictures in her living room spoke volumes, the Dunhill cigarettes.  Me"Yamazi Ntombi? my youngest, she is having an abortion tomorrow . The weirdest part she is 14 and she is having a baby with a guy older than Lonwabo hahaha… Excuse my tears" she was staring at me. Me"Anyway I need you to tell Lonwabo awumfuni, I need my family back because they are falling apart and they n…" she sat opposite me. Sindile"That is unfair! how is that my problem?  what if Lonwabo doesn't want to return! " she asked if I want water. Me"Sundiphambanela! you stole from my children and I! you took my husband their father! uyabuza what if akafuni? myenze afune because I swear to God I will tell anyone willing to listen that you are a home wrecker! " she started crying. Sindile"I didn't know! he didn't know! what about my son? I give you Lonwabo my child will lose a father!, ndithini mna? you left him ngokwakho! you run wena when the going gets tough! Everyone says you're weak! Rha I wi…" I slapped her. Me"Lonwabo has took from me!, he has ripped me apart! ndi weak? uthetha ukunya. I have sacrificed myself to make Lonwabo happy,neglected my children ndikhalela yena my children suffered nityana apha! so fuck being weak! awundazi and I honestly hate being a product of pillow talk. Undenza ikaka mos! you stole from me and I am here to collect! awuphinde ulale no tata wabantwana wam Sindile not ndisaphila! you will never utter my name without being scared! uyandiqhela! plus no Lonwabo, tell him ndilapha ndizo mlanda! dikwe finish kunyelwa nguye. Rha I run? did he tell you he aborted our first child? Lonwabo wakho lowo, been cheating on me kwakudala! hahaha you think you're the first? nibanitsi! and nonke phof myself included asizithandi" The front door opened and she ran to the door, I knew he was there because Sanele wasn't home and his laptop bag was next to the coffee table.  Sindile"Lobsie" I laughed walking towards them. Me"Gaba" I beamed. Me"I was on my way out, sibuyela ebhayi nabantwana monday. Be there before us" I gave him the house key, I looked at Sindile. Me"Akana mali Lonwabo, the new firm yimali yam! he owes me a fucken lot. He may repay me eventually but us divorcing will make him shit broke, we married in community. Yeka inja yam igoduke" I reached for a kiss ku Lonwabo. Me"Monday tata wabo " My heart was beating so fast but it felt so good to reclaim whats mine.
°°°°°°°°°°
Sunday morning it was really hot so Viwe suggested we all go to the beach, they prepared while Bulelwa and I made sandwiches for everyone.  Seth"Mama make umphokoqho" we always took umphokoqo with us when we go to the beach, Lonwabo loved it so we all learned to love it. Bulelwa"Masambeni" she was the only family member from my moms side I actually like. We took her car because she drove those soccer mom cars. Ntombi"Makazi can you swim?" she was laughing telling them stories about how she is allergic to swimming pools. Seth"So that means you cannot hahaha" Viwe and Une were taking pictures of everyone.  Viwe"Mama we about to do a video for instagram" Bulelwa and I exchanged looks. Seth"Just sing along qha" we were laughing singing "I love you, you love me were are a happy family …" by the time we arrived to the beach everyone was happy. Ntombi"These are rare moments" I kissed her forehead. Me"I promise you, I will try to provide days like these often. But I need you to work with me" she hugged me. Seth"Moments to capture" Bulelwa took a picture of us. Une"Can I take a picture with umamam, she is smiling nqabile lonto" I laughed at her, they went to the water. Bulelwa"Bahle abantwana bakho and bayaku thanda, Thixo really blessed you mtase" I looked at them and laughed.  Me"Ndiphoswe yinto enitsi kubo but never again, I breathe for my children ngoku"

Entle
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Wednesday, July 1

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 72

Chapter 72

"Nolhiza" I was startled. Me"Lolo?" she was in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Lolo"Ndifuna ugoduka" I just stood there with my wet pants. Lolo"Entle I want to see my husband" I went towards her and stared at her waiting for me to wake up or something anything actually. Me"Yandazi?" she slowly nodded like I was the crazy one. Lolo"Yanuka Entle, call Xolani and go bath" she hugged me and kissed my forehead. Lolo"Umhle kodwa mtanam" I laughed while calling my uncle. Me"Naku, ndiyovasa ke" I gave her my phone and went to bath, I sat in the tub thinking about Ntombi and how quickly things changed. We never had the best relationship yes but she never seemed suicidal to me, She was always happy and quite sure the smartest of all my children. So when did this all change, I ignored the part that blamed Lonwabo because Lord knows he blames me too. Maybe Lonwabo and I were better off apart, maybe just maybe we ruin our children lives without even noticing because we are too self involved . Then again I can sit here all day and blame myself for things I couldn't control, Ntombi changed and I am blaming her I don't care how depressed you are! your vigina should be treasured. I got out of the water, wore my robe and went to check on Lolo. Me"Are you fine? " she looked confused, guess the Demensia was back . Lolo"Ndicela ulala" I took my phone and led her to her room. Me"Mama I need you" she didn't say anything, she was just holding me tight like she would fall or something. I won't lie, I was reaching low and I needed help before I hit rock bottom again. I got her in bed and closed the blinds, I kissed her forehead. I missed my father, he would know what to do right now! I needed my other mother she would give me words of wisdom and tell me "Kuyathandazwa" Entle! I needed my parents now more than ever.
Ntombi
Nurse"You awake?" I nodded wondering how long I've been out, but why I survived . Me"can I get a mirror?" She looked confused but nodded. Nurse"I'll be back" she walked out, I needed to look myself in the mirror because lately I dont recognize myself or I haven't been looking properly. Somehow I the plot, somewhere between Mihlali and quitting ballet, somehow netball stopped being my life, being outspoken suddenly wasn't my thing , I was suddenly part of the crew! no more Ntombikayise Ziphozonke Skhosana!. Who am I? or what happened to me. Nurse"Uhm there you are" she handed me the mirror and helped me sit up. I looked at that mirror and I saw confused, frightened, lost, lonely, broken,empty, but mostly I saw a girl no a child that needs to be rescued. I couldn't cry though, I wanted to cry but I had no reason to cry. The door opened and it was my mom, standing there looking disappointed but mostly hurt and I didn't blame her. Me"Xolo mama" she laughed and sat next to me. Mom"Your baby survived" she gave me my phone. Mom"Kuthwa you have to attend two psychiatric sessions" she wasn't even making eye contact, she was just walking around the room and laughing but she looked like she wanted to cry. Me"Mama" she kept on reciting Ndiyakholwa. Me"Mama!" she stood in the middle of the room for a while and laughed again. Mom"Yazi I woke up this morning, and Lolo wasn't breathing. I am an orphan" she grabbed a chair on the corner and sat on it. Mom"Yazi she wanted to go home, she wanted to see her husband and speak to her brother " I didn't say anything just sent Seth,Viwe and Une a whatsapp message on our group "I am pregnant and I am keeping it, I think Lolo passed away this morning"
Cwenga
We were returning from Lesedi Hospital to see Mvaba, Thato suggested we go to Gold Reef City just the two of us. Me"A little old are we not?" she giggled with glee in her eyes. Me"Are you fine" I knew she wasn't but Thato can pretend. Thato"Lolo passed away, Entle is in hell and my son is a lab rat! Yes Cwenga I am perfect" we got in the car and she insisted on driving, she played Janelle Monae - Yoga singing along. Me"Xabekutheni? hay hay" she laughed. Thato"Bonga's ringtone its stuck with me, and now its my tune. Me"At 43 ukhala ngo tune hahaha" she laughed singing along. Thato"Can you buy me ice cream please" I nodded. Thato"Baby bend over, let me see you do that yoga" I laughed. Me"Hahaha you want us to?" she shyly nodded. Thato"I am all flabby lately " she looked cute regardless. Me"I can handle a little extra skin" She laughed smiling. Thato"I will fall inlove with you again, just be gentle " I really fucked up ku Thato, her lack of confidence ndim but I had to change that. Me"Lets off on the Yoga, siyekwi first date yethu. We won't speak about Mvaba, no Entle just you and I" she nodded. Thato"Then yoga later" we both laughed. Me"Yes yoga later"


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Tuesday, June 30

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 71

Chapter 71

Maybe I do need Lonwabo more than I like to admit but the sad thing about needing him is he doesn't need me as much. Like as he spoke I kept on thinking what happened to us, we had it all figured out or at least it seemed like we did. I noticed Lonwabo and I don't talk! like we talk but don't talk talk not the way we used to anyway, he never cried for his mother kumu and the Lonwabo I know would have cried his lungs out. Somehow things really changed and for the worst, I could start worrying thinking how will I solve us but Lolo should be my priority. A car hooted behind me interrupting my thoughts, I wasn't sure whose car it is but I knew it was coming kum. I got out of the car and so did she, she was carrying a belt with her and there were two other women with her. Me"Molweni" I locked my car because none of them greeted back, the one with the belt moved close to me. Woman"Ndizofuna uNtombi" I looked at the belt and looked at the other women. Me"Not kwam! you cannot budge in my house and make demands, who are you and why do you want Ntombi" she took out Ntombi's school badge and gave it to me. Me"Who are you?" she told me Nomthandazo. Me"What do you want with my daughter?" one of the friends were shouting calling Ntombi a sfebe and I was beyond worried because these women were older than me if not the same age. How could they know Ntombi,who came running out of the house because of the noise outside. Ntombi"Mama?" Nomthandazo pushed me aside and pulled Ntombi, she started hitting Ntombi with the belt. I went all in nam, pulling her hair we both fell on the floor. She was hitting me but I also got a few punches in, the friends were kicking me my darling daughter was just standing there crying. Nomthandazo stood up while I was still on the grass, she took Ntombi's badge and threw it at her. Nomthandazo"I want us to ask each other questions, you go first" Ntombi was trembling, she literally peed. Ntombi"Ngu……ba…?" Nomthandazo laughed. Nomthandazo"Mfazi ka Mtha hahaha yamazi mos? the one you send naked pictures too, or the one who picks you put at school! Mtha" I stood up and looked at Ntombi then Nomthandazo. Me"Mtha?" she hid behind me. Nomthandozo"Ask me how I found your daughter" Ntombi started crying, I turned around and looked at her. Me"Ngene ndlini" she ran inside and closed the door, I turned to Nomthandazo. Me"Tell your husband Ntombi is 14, and her father happens to be a lawyer . Me on the other hand will lay a charge ye assault for wena ne tshomi zakho, you'll probably want to know ndizokufumana njani but I won't tell you because you and I are playing hide and seek! and you better be damn good at hiding because ndizoku bhuqa and ndikufumane nam" I left them standing there and headed inside. Ntombi"Mama" I just looked at her, words failed me. Ntombi"Mama xolo" she came towards me, I just looked at her. Me"Ngoba?" that's all I wanted to know, why would she sleep with Mtha. Ntombi"Mama" She started crying again. Me"Tell Lonwabo what you did, and tell your boyfriend he is going to jail" She sat on the floor crying and begging me not to tell Lonwabo. Me"Ngoba! Why should I protect you? Wenza izinto wena! Who…" she interrupted. Ntombi"Because andika mensi! Ndimithi mama" I sat on the floor next to her. Me"You're not pregnant! you cannot be pregnant! not at 14 awusoze Ntombikayise!" she laughed. Ntombi"Xolo mama" I laughed too. Me"Hamba kwam! phuma!" I stood up and went to the door opening it for her. Me"Phuma mani!" she sat there crying. Me"Mitha njani at 14? am I that bad as umama that you would get pregnant at 14? you lie apha! going to Magxaki every weekend, you wear heels! Mihlali yadika ngoku! you changed ndikubukele and I asked you Ntombi yinto lingaka eMagxaki! you lied kum wena! I asked you more than once what you meant about being broken! I try Ntombi ndiphangela for nina, I put you before everyone else! I know you think you are smart or Mtha will stay because you're wrong! Zoba nje ngam, bitter and weak needing approval from men to get by!" I closed the door. Ntombi"Mama" I looked at her wiping my tears. Me"Ndikhubekile nyani"
°°°°°°°°°°
Thato 

Cwenga and I were watching Mvaba sleep, he looked so tiny and it was first time seeing my son. Cwenga"You need to go back to bed" I wanted to cry, wasn't ready to let go. Me"Two more minutes" we sat there in silence until the nurse came in. Me"When will you discharge him?" she was looking at his chart. Nurse"The swelling still hasn't went down, his heart beat rate is also an issue. So in all honesty not anytime soon" I just told Cwenga to take me back to my room. Cwenga"Have some faith" I nodded . Me"And what if we lose him too? Cwenga I have lost far too much" he kissed my forehead. Cwenga"We are the Gladiators remember? hahaha remember Scandal?, we are Gladiators in a suit Boloang. We never ask any questions, we just do what we must do. I pray lately its not my thing but ngathi it works, you woke up so it must work" I liked this new Cwenga. Me"You pray?" he laughed. Cwenga"Yeah I do, you should too" we both laughed. Cwenga"You will be fine" I shrugged. Me"You look tired" I took my phone. Cwenga"My mom babe and Thando, and I fetched Bonga this morning before ndize apha" I went through my messages and Entle's text caught my eye "Thato I am confused" I showed Cwenga the text. Cwenga"Eyiphi?" he read out loud "I lay my head in St Georges hospital, Ntombi just tried to commit suicide andiyaz mna ngoku. I am failing as a parent! and lately I am having black outs, I need help but ngathi everyone has their own problems" Cwenga looked at me and gave me my phone. Cwenga"Entle is broken, she doesn't even realize it" I read the text again. Me"How do I help her when I need help myself? How is it that we fell at the sametime? I cannot pick her up because I need picking up too"
To save a life
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Wednesday, June 24

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 70

Chapter 70

Sunday Ntombi returned and she went straight to Lolo, they got along which really angered me because Lolo and I never had the mother daughter relationship. Ntombi laid with her telling her about celebrity things, she made food for her, rubbed her feet and the thing I hated the most Lolo actually preferred Ntombi kunam! her own daughter.  Ntombi"Mama can I borrow your laptop, funa bukelisa Makhulu Vampire Diaries" I nodded. Ntombi"Come join us" I showed her the dishes.  Me"Next time" I slaved on the dishes, after washing dishes I cleaned the house. Me"Ntombi" she peeped from the bedroom door. Me"I want to rush eMetlife" she said they will be fine, I took my keys and drove to Checkers. When I got there I went straight to Checkers liquor, from there I walked to Spur to buy our supper. I decided to kill time with Facebook, stalking my high school friends and Varsity acquaintances they all seemed to be happy.  I liked a few pictures and I saw Viwe being suggested, so I decided to stalk him too. He uploaded a picture of everyone, but an old one because Ntombi was a new born kula picture and Mbasa still wore sagging pants,Seth was holding Ntombi and Viwe was standing next to me with the caption "Man! I would trade my soul to go back to this day, when we were the aliens and they were the love bunnies" I remember that day too, but differently Lonwabo didn't remember us and I went to bed crying every night. Ntombi was just 2 months and Cwenga forced us to take that picture because it was Seth's birthday. I got my things and walked to my car, I drove home and sat emotweni until I felt like calling Lonwabo.
•••••••••••••
Lonwabo"Marakes" I laughed. Me"Awunqabe, Gugulethu keeping you busy?" he shouted yhuuu. Lonwabo"Make it sound like Gugu is a person, anyway how are you?" I honestly didn't know. Me"I am okay I guess and wena?" I missed my husband.  Lonwabo"Nam, Entle whats wrong?" I told him everything about Lolo, I told him the things I said.  Lonwabo"Hay MaRadebe, You're not your mother and awusoze ubenguye. Forgive Lolo Entle" He made it sound so easy. Me"I have tried nawe uyayazi but I want her to say sorry" I know I sounded petty. Lonwabo" She will never say sorry because your father never said sorry, baby you will always carry your mothers baggage ubomi bakho bonke but at some point you have to start unpacking.  Ayingo mthwalo wakho, it will never be your baggage but wena you claim it instead of letting Lolo face her demons ngokwakhe. You hate yourself for being being a bastard? somewhere in that world kukho a bastard with no identity but its life MaRadebe. You got a chance to be raised by tatakho, cherish that because abanye were never that lucky. You're fading in Lolo's shadow everyday, yet Lolo never wanted you to be like her. Remember kutheni ungu Entle?" I couldn't even answer because I was crying.  Lonwabo"Well let me remind you, Lolo said she failed her mother growing up but wena you were the only beautiful thing about her, you were her second chance and you were her beautiful mistake. Lolo loves you and you know it too, you let the bad control you wena and that is your biggest downfall oh and crying" I quickly wiped my tears. Lonwabo"We are not our parents mistake, stop letting hate deprive you a chance to spend time with your mother before asweleke" I said "Thank you" he kept quiet for sometime. Lonwabo"I love you MaRadebe nyani but I think I was your biggest mistake" I kept quiet.  Lonwabo"I want you to enjoy PE, and stop crying Entle" I laughed. Me"Useza ngomso?" he had to meet set up for Imbheleko ka Seth and benze inkudla apha. Lonwabo"Yeah ubufuna uthini?" he both laughed. Me"No strings attached" he laughed. Lonwabo"Sort the Lolo thing out kuqala and we will talk" I smiled. Lonwabo"You're still my wife" I nodded. Me"Ewe" suddenly a rainy day turned into a sunny one. Lonwabo"I am not going anywhere, focus on you and we will fix us later. Yeva? I am not going anywhere, focus on you"


About us
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Tuesday, June 23

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 69

Chapter 69

There are somethings you learn when you visit other families, like how they pray, eat, talk or how they generally get along.  For instance Cwenga and his parents, he becomes someone else this whole weekend I was amazed actually impressed.  I looked at Thato with her parents, she was calm obedient and amazingly respectful. Regardless of their divorce in front of their parents they united, Cwenga was her Knight and She was his Armor they protected their children from their drama or problems. On my way home I wondered were Lonwabo and I like that? did we put our children first? the answer I got scared the hell out of me. My visit made me realize a lot of things, so I visited Viwe and spent time with him and I met his girlfriend, I called Seth and we spoke for the longest time about everything being the vocal person he is, he told me the separation doesn't make him happy but it wasn't about him nor the others its always like that anyway. Like what was wrong with Lonwabo and I? we use to have it all figured out, we used to be the couple that had it all and we were never short of love. When did I stop living for my children because I promised myself that I would be nothing like Lolo yet I am becoming her, I am a burden to Ntombi and Seth, Viwe was their parent for more than 2 years while I cried over Lonwabo. Unekamva will always hate me for leaving her but I thought I was making up for that. I always thought I was a great parent but my children actually resent me for putting Lonwabo first, Ntombi faded after Lonwabo returned she stopped being vocal, she just stopped being the 'fixer' of the house. It took Viwe and Seth to make me notice that, how could I not notice? is that was she meant by not recognizing herself in the mirror? I didn't even know Ntombi cuts her wrist! how could they not tell me! you know what Seth said "It was your duty to know" . On my way to PE I cried, I don't think I have ever cried that much.
•••••••••••••••••••
Monday morning I arrived in PE and went straight to work, I made arrangements for Lolo and getting her a full time nurse. I left work around six, I started at Wollies to buy supper for Ntombi and I, then drove to Magxaki to fetch my daughter. Nandi"Hello" I also greeted her, Ntombi went to fetch her things and I gave Nandi 300 to say thank you. Nandi"Enkosi" she didn't want it, and nam wasn't about to force her. Me"Akho ngxaki" Ntombi came and we left. Me"Bekunjani?" she started telling me about Nolu and her friends,how they decided to go watch rugby at NMMU and how beautiful PE is. Me"You cut?" she ignored me, so I reached for her wrist. Ntombi"I stopped" I carried on driving.  Ntombi"Mama xolo" she kept on apologizing.  Me"Sorry" she started crying.  Me"I am sorry for not being a good mother, for not protecting you, for putting Lonwabo first" she said its fine. Me"Then why do you cut?" she didn't answer.  Me"Ntombi" she pulled up her sleeve.  Ntombi"To hear the voices inside, to feel worthy, to punish myself but mostly I cut just to be close to death" she giggled.  Ntombi"I cut to feel less hallow, Mama kunyama kum! I feel like a burden kuni and I hate that. Noba if I die wena uzoyeka ukhala or taking those pills, I want to kill myself but I am too much of a coward…… sigh…… but I have Mihlali now,he thinks I am beautiful, smart and enigma whatever that means. He thinks about me mama, I am a priority kuye. He says he talks to God about me, he is my blade ngoku" she looked outside the window. Ntombi"I know I will be like you, but I want to be the better version of you" I laughed. Me"You hate me?" she laughed.  Ntombi"I had to forgive you and tata, in order to love Mihlali but most importantly me. I wish you would do the same, let life happen mom" 
•••••••••••••
2 weeks later
I had finish taking a bath, I got dressed and went to make breakfast for Lolo and I. Ntombi went to Magxaki for the weekend, I don't blame her Lolo had Dementia trust you me it was never wrecking. But some days were better than others, some where just hell because she cried most of the time. Her nurse didn't come in nge weekend, which made her my priority.  Lolo"Ndicela uyovasa" I nodded and went to prepare her bath. Me"Mama awufuni utya kuqala" she looked confused, so I showed her the bathroom and closed the door. I called Zimkitha but her number was busy, so I watched Game of Thrones to kill time while Lolo took her bath. Which gave me enough time to cry and pray for strength, it really felt like God was punishing me. I went to check on her again, I helped her to her room. Lolo"Ungubani kanene" I wiped my tears while looking for her clothes. Me"Entle, my name is Entle" it was getting worse by the day and I won't lie it was painful to have your mother not remember you. Lolo"Kuphi apha?" I told her this was my house and I am her daughter.  Lolo"Andikwazi mna" she started crying kakho. Lolo"Hay ndifuna ugoduka mna! Phuma! Phuma!" she threw things at me, I just gave her impahla zakhe and sat on the chair opposite her bed. Me"You're weak,yazi I hate being me and ngenxa yakho! Depression nguwe! and I am quite sure nale I will have" I stood up and pushed her to the bed, I took her underwear ndamxibisa, her tracksuit pants ndamnxibisa and her vest.  She was screaming and crying but so was I! I had every right to be angry! God had to grant me this opportunity to take this anger and finally face it. Lolo"Uyandilimaza" I forced her to wear her jersey, she sat on that bed jilted scared of me and I sat on the floor looking at the woman that ruined my life. Me"I was 4 the first time you showed me your weakness, remember? you were crying for tata because he forgot to say he loves you! a married man! you forgot to fetch me eskolweni more than twenty times! I walked qho, because my mother was at home crying for umntu otshatile! grade 1 Zimkitha's parents had you admitted emagezeni and I was left with them because no one knew ngubani tatam, when I told them who he was kwathiwa asoze bandise kaloku I am bastard child and they won't break a family bona. I never understood then but now I do, Lolo I raised myself and I was your mother ndingu mntana! I looked after you instead of playing nentanga zam. The last straw was coming back eskolweni besithi you burned our house down! You took from me! and it was easy to say wafa! with the house than admitting you were in a mental institution " I looked in her eyes and laughed.  Me"The funniest part, I am like you safana thina.  I hated Seth so much because he wasn't a girl! they took my first child from me and I punished my son because of the hatred I have for you. You left me mama! you loved him more than me! I just wanted you to stop crying! I needed you to put me before him. I needed your love mama thats all" we both sat there in silence. Lolo"Entle" I looked up. Me"Its ironic isn't it? There is nothing beautiful about me. I will always be lamntana you created to keep a married man" I went out of that room and went to take a shower.


Its a family thing
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Monday, June 22

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 68

Chapter 68

Ntombi was busy and that scared me a little, she loved PE far more than she should or more than I expected. She spoke about new people everyday, she was always on the on the phone and I was scared because this was her second week in PE sekeyi socialite ethile. Within a week she traded her braids for a weave and her sneakers were put on hold because she needed to learn how to walk in heels. Me"Ntombi" she came running to the kitchen. Me"I have to leave for Johannesburg wednesday, I asked your aunt ukuba awuno hlala kuye" she smiled. Ntombi "Magxaki?" I nodded. Me"You'll have to take a bus to school, so I'll give you imali before ndihambe. Don't disappoint me" she hugged me. Ntombi"Have I ever?" we both laughed. Me"Nandi uzokuxela ku Lonwabo, so please behave or you'll go back to Cape Town" she kissed my forehead. Ntombi"You worry too much" I had to worry, ngapha Lolo had no one to look after her and the nurse Lonwabo hired didn't want to stay pha and sisi lo uphangela pha had children so she couldn't sleep naye. Thato was awake apparently but she was still in hospital, I hated how I wasn't even around to help out. Me"Pack Ntombi" she ran to her room, I had to call Zimkitha needed some adult talk. Me"Stop drinking and listen" she laughed. Zimkitha"Hahaha I am allowed to drink, I hate this house friend it has memories" she was still renting kwa Thato. Me"Have you seen her?" I felt guilty about not going but it was out of my hands. Zimkitha"Ewe we were there last weekend, she looks weird but I know Thato will recover and we will all be laughing at this" its weird ne? I introduced Zimkitha ku Thato and Kathy but she was more of a friend than me, she knew things I didn't ngabo but I am not jealous I am wondering when did I stop being important in this friendship. Me"Hahaha well true, ndihamba wednesday taking a bus. Ntombi's new school is expensive and I cannot afford luxury" we were both laughing. Zimkitha"Sana! but I am adjusting mna, and I like this whole independent thing" she asked about Lonwabo. Me"Honestly andiyazi and I don't care, yaz I met enyi ndoda" I laughed at how stupid I sounded. Zimkitha"Already moving on?" I shrugged as if she could see me. Me"Hahaha I doubt it, but he is quite handsome for a man his age. I have his business card but he is a psychologist, imagine our relationship kaloku mna I am damaged nawe uyayazi" we were laughing and sharing stories. Zimkitha"Just use him for sex" Yhuuuu. Me"Asoze! that never ends well and I want my husband back at some point, but I could call Khaya" she screamed. Zimkitha"Futsek hahaha! Khaya deserves a break from you! andikwazi unjani wena, and I prefer you with Khaya kuno Lonwabo" I screamed too. Me"Suxola! hahaha I know what you're trying to do and it won't work. I am leaving wednesday, ndizothi andilande" she promised to sms me his number. Me"uzobethwa ngu Lonwabo" she told me akamoyiki and he won't find out. Me"I cannot go back ku Khaya though" I couldn't embarrass Lonwabo like that, fight aside I am still Mrs Skhosana and Khaya is a danger zone. Zimkitha"Have fun though friend, you dont have to shagg anyone but have fun" after talking for almost an hour, I told her I have to sleep. Zimkitha"I miss you" I smiled because I missed her too. Me"I miss you too Blacky hahaha!" Lolo used to call her that. Zimkitha"Hahaha sisuka kude kodwa, minus Varsity. Don't you ever imagine bekuzoba njani? if we just went to Wits as planned" I laughed. Me"Hahaha hay hay lala undicingisa izinto" she said Good night and I hung up, ndayolala.
•••••••••••••••••
Ntombi 
Friday after school I walked to Linton Grange Library to meet up with my aunts daughter Nolu,she attend e St Marks yena. Being here (PE) gave me a chance to get to know her, and the past two days at her house were too awesome. We bonded, felt good to tell someone about Mihlali and I, she told me things would be different since I had my first time with him but Mihlali and I were closer than ever. Nolu"I've been waiting" we hugged. Me"Sorry had to call mama, so siyaphi?" she showed me a text from her boyfriend. Me"Kuphi eGondwana?" she laughed. Nolu"Don't worry, I told mama we will sleep eKabega. Since she hates your mother she won't call to confirm and Malume is too chilled for khangela thina" We walked to Metlife to buy a summer dress for her then went to Scooters and bought pizza saye dlini. Nolu"My friend Thandisa is on her way, I think we should start ePrimi or Angelos" I didn't know those places so I just shrugged or nodded. Nolu"Wear jeans mtase, you have an ass let it show" I wore white torn jeans and she borrowed me her black blouse. Me"shouldn't I wear a black bra?" she shook her head. Nolu"Okay check in my bag for the black skirt" I took the skirt short enough to be a top and wore it, she threw me with a white crop top and my boyfriend blazer. Me"I have cuts on my wrist remember " she sat on my bed trying to think. Me"Can I do me?" she nodded. I wore a short long sleeved dress, Une bought it for me. Me"Is this fine?" she nodded. Nolu"Natsoke" I wore my new strappy heels,she wore her dress and wore black peep toe heels. We ate while waiting for her friend, who arrived after 4. Thandisa"Hey Thandisa mna, let me change sihambeni" Nolu explained Theodore Herzl ikude and Thandisa had to start kokwabo. She called a cab, we took pictures while we wait. The cab arrived and left for Summerstrand, instead of Primi we went to Angelos. We checked in on facebook, I was actually having fun. Nolu"I think that guy is waving at you" I turned around and it was Mtha. Me"Hello" I stood up to hug him. Mtha"You look amazingly!" we hugged. Mtha"Ladies ithini into? Or kuyagodukwa?" He looked at Thandisa and then kum. Me"We were going to some place called Condwana or something" he laughed with his left hand touching my waist. Thandisa"Godwana hahaha" I wasn't even embarrassed. Mtha"Hay hay! nibahle kangaka, Masiyeni kwa Ngqoko or Finnezz" they exchanged looks. Me"Just promise to drop us off eKabega and we will go anywhere" he paid our bill and we left for his house. Mtha"My friend Mtheza is there, one girl has to at least ride with him" Nolu said she will. We got Mtheza and we left for Nqgoko. Mtha"Ndibawela no goduka nawe" I giggled, old or not he was the first guy to show interest kum besides Mihlali. Mtha"Let me buy Redbull fast sihambeni" he went out of the car. Thandisa"He is married" She showed me the lipstick on the floor. Me"Not dating him" she opened her bag and gave me a condom. Thandisa"This is PE ibhayi alambhathwa, this place is cruel" I took the condom. Thandisa"Lets have fun" Mtha came back and we left for Ngqoko.
New friends

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Saturday, June 20

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 67

Chapter 67

"Thato is in hospital and she gave birth, Bathi there is some complication with the baby's blood. Cwenga told me they are operating on the child again, I just thought you should know" The time was 5:30 am, I immediately called Thato's mother but her phone was off and Cwenga's number was busy which stressed me even more. I wanted to pack up and fly to Johannesburg but I couldn't, I was new at work and Ntombi being kwisikolo esitsha. I sent Cwenga a text "Hey Can you call me, ndakucela update me because I am losing my mind! Tell Mma I'll be there friday " I took a shower and went to wake Ntombi up, she was excited so I decided not to tell her about Thato. I burned breakfast, I quickly made cereal ndasuka ndaziphalazela ngo bisi so I had to go change. Ntombi "Mama its 7:25" time flies, I wore another shirt without ironing it and we left. Me"Sorry about breakfast" she told me to relax, she is grown up now I should trust her. We pulled up to her school which was 25 minutes away from the house. Ntombi"Where is everyone" there were four children standing next to the gate. Me"Ndizova ngawe, are you sure you know your way home?" she assured me she can handle it. Ntombi"I will call if I get lost,she got out of the car and waved to me and I drove off. I prayed in the car I prayed for Thato to wake up, God knows my life doesn't make sense without. My phone interrupted me I thought bingu Cwenga "Is she awake?" the person kept quiet so I checked the caller id it was Zintle. Me"Sorry ndicinge ungu Cwenga" she said its fine and apologized for calling so early. Me"Is there something wrong?" she told me its Lolo and she is really starting to forget. Me"Like Makhulu? or early stages?" I didn't need this. Zintle"Not really but yesterday she was crying the whole day, akasazi no tata and Entle you know I don't mind looking after Lolo kodwa umdala tata. I cant stay in e Southernwood oko yaphela leave yam and now Thamsanqa(her brother) wants to put tata kwi old age" This was unfair. Me"But they're married! kutheni ezoyenza lonto! What does your dad say? Zintle I know you have a life in Durban but please stay until weekend while I look for someone to look after my mother. I never thought she would be a burden at the end kodwa she helped raise you no brother wakho" I hung up, it felt like God was punishing me for leaving Lonwabo because we both know I will never cope with all of this. At work I think I cried until I came up with possible solutions.
…………………………
Cwenga
Mvamba was going through everything Athi went through, if it wasn't blood it was his heart and when those are fine his body rejects everything else. Tata"Cwenga thanga ibhotile zibembini, 1818 kunye ne brandy. Impenpho ikhona endlini ubuye uze apha, the doctors promised to allow us 2 hours. Sicela kwamanyange ngoku, our ancestors need to rescue us ngoba nam I am out of ideas " I took my car keys and left with Thando, I kept wondering when his turn will come. He is the only one that survived everything, he seemed fine though. Thando"tata" I looked at him then back to the road. Thando"Siyaphi?" I told him Hospital View,that's where my parents stay. Thando"Tata why do we stay here?" Knowing Thato she probably protected me just to keep Thando from knowing who I've become. Me"Ufuna uhamba?" he nodded. Thando"I miss Bonga mna, I miss Manzi and Ntombi. At school I don't understand them, hay tata cela goduka mna" he complained on Mvaba's behalf too. Thando"Mvaba doesn't like this place too, but I told him we will all leave and he will see Bonga" I laughed and he smiled at me. Thando"Tata suhamba kakho" I just nodded. Me"Sihambe no Mvaba?" he shrugged. Thando"Ndamoyika mna lamntana, he is small and the tubes around him hay lets leave him" We both laughed. Thando"Eh kanene ndingu Big brother wakhe, yhoo I have to help him like Bonga? hay tata masimyeke mani" I felt like an idiot because I don't know my son, never spent enough time with him. Thato nagged me to watch his tennis matches but I never went not even to a soccer game. Me"Thando" he showed me his phone. Thando"Yhoo tata you cried alot apha, mama was laughing at you" he was watching my wedding video. Thando"I like it when you pick up mama" how did I ruin my marriage actually how did I miss out on so much kwaba ntwana bam. We arrived at my parents place and I told Thando to take bath while I search for impempho, I called Lonwabo I needed to talk. Me"Mfethu I fucked up! Andiyazi what happened, was I that jealous of her success bamandi yeke abantwana bam" he didn't say anything and that's what I want someone to listen. Me"You know the worse part, Mvaba will never know me or I'll be a holiday father! abantu babhatala support and never raise their kids. Lobsie that's not me! you know I work for my children, but whats the use of uphangela and make all that money for them kodwa mna tatabo andikho" he suggested I get Thato back. Me"I want that too but Thato and I don't work, I want to apologize to her but why does it feel like akazovuka? ndiqala ngaphi khulisa abantwana abathatu? Weird how I finally understand why Thato was drunk all the time"
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Friday, June 19

Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 66

Chapter 66

Cwenga
So Bukho lied to me about Thato being in Cape Town but I had to man up, so I called her father and obviously he ignored my call. I booked myself a flight for Johannesburg and I dropped Bonga no Manzi kwa Bukho because Kathy would tell Thato my plans, leaving my children with Lonwabo wasn't an option. I drove to the airport trying to call Thato but voice mail, even Thando's number was busy which made me think something is wrong . I called my mother and she answered "Cwenga! kunini abantu bekuzama! uphi?" she was shouting at me. Me"I'm driving Mama" she was shouting at me kodwa ndamxelela ndenza nto. Mama"Cwenga we are all at Lesedi Hospital uyeva? Thato ulapha since wednesday nathi kudala silapha! yeka lento yocima kwakho iphone and Bonga uthi awulali endlini umshiya ne nkazana yakho pha! yikaka yanto leyo Cwenga?" I am fucken driving kodwa my mom is shouting at me. Me"Mama ndiye airport ngoku and I…" she interrupted me again. Mama"Ndakukhaba wena! Cwenga you really disappointed me mntanam, divorcing Thato? hay andifuni lento uyenzileyo" I hung up then switched off my phone. I got to the airport after 2 hours later I arrived at OR Tambo, after renting a car I called my dad for directions. Tata"Uphi kwedini" okay we all kids to our parents. Me"Kempton park, I don't know kuphi eLesidi mna" he gave the phone to Thato's mother who told me I should call when I get to Zone 6 as if I remember where that is. I kept on getting lost but I found my way thanx to my phone, I called my father and he directed me. As soon as I walked in and went to them, everyone was crying well everyone but my dad. Me"Uphi Thato?" Thando was sitting on top of my mothers lap. Mom"Cwenga" I was now getting worried. Tata"Thato akade avuke nyana, imbi into " he explained Thato's pregnancy got induced because her body was rejecting the baby and she hasn't woken up since wednesday. Me"Uphi umntana" I knew this was all my fault but admitting wasn't an option. Thando"tata ndino brother mna" he hugged me. Thato's parents just greeted me and sat there in silence. Thato's father told me to ask the doctors if I can see my child but they warned me he was tiny because he was 2 months early. Mama"Cwenga anithandazi nina, you don't pray Cwenga! Wagqibela nini ucitha igazi? uhleli kwela Kapa nix uyenza umsebenzi. I told you akhonto ukwazi uyenza ngaphandle kwezinyanya! I am disappointed nyani, azange nenze msebenzi for Athi! azange uselise uThato amasi! zijonge Cwenga! zonke into zakho ziphuma kwa bantwana bakho, tradition will always find a way mtanam and umntana lo ufuna wena umkhule" she was crying, my parents have high expectations for me and its unfair. How do I have umsebenzi e Newlands? iphi kundla pha? do we put our ancestors next to the pool or next to the tennis court?. I fucked up yes but Thato and I had a rocky marriage, but my parents love for Thato blinded them from the truth. Me"Ndithini? " she shrugged. Mama"Thandaza mntanam" we sat there making small talk, my dad came up with a name for the child and so did Thato's father. Mvaba Morena Sibotho. "Mr Siboko" My dad tapped my shoulder and Thato's mother started crying, the doctors scrub was covered in blood his face just said everything without saying a word and his first words were "sorry we tried everything …"
••••••••••••••••••••••
Entle
Ntombi and I were finally alone, Lonwabo left with Sanele this morning. Ntombi"Mama yazi Sanele uthi wena yafana naye" I laughed, I actually enjoyed having him around. Me"Does Viwe like him too?" she nodded. Ntombi"We all do, Sanele looks like Manzi ne mama" I took my phone to look at Manzi's pictures, but my phone was off. Me"Charge my phone sihambe" I wanted to bond with my daughter and maybe taking her to a Tshisa nyama would help. We left for New Bright and I convinced her to leave her phone at home, in the she was planning her first day at school. Ntombi"What if they don't like me? not that I care but I will miss my old school" She was talking about everything kodwa not le imzese kum. Me"Will you ever tell me what that text meant?" I know Ntombi was about to stall so I played her Sia album and she smiled. Ntombi"You get me, please play our tune ke" she played Fair game. Me"Hahaha Lonwabo likes lena, mna ndifuna le ka Chandelier" she promised to play it next. Ntombi "yazi Namkho eHostel undibethele Mihlali" she started crying . Ntombi"Mama bandihleka, talking about Mihlali and sister wakhe being happy together" I focused on the road . Ntombi"The worst part Mihlali blames me for letting people have an opinion kwi relationship yethu" history . Me"Umdala Mihlali kunawe, at some point these things were going to happen and Ntombi such problems have no age" I wanted to protect Ntombi but yena wenza ingathi she knows better . Ntombi"Yazi mama I am glad ndilapha, that way Mihlali and I talk on the phone qha" we got to Blawa butchery and ordered our meet then sat outside. Ntombi"How do you know these places?" I laughed. Me"I studied at Nmmu remember? Thato and I used to go kwa K.k qho nge month end, Khaya's friend behlale Nikiwe …" I pointed at the place. "So he would take Seth and I pha" those were the days. Ntombi"Hahaha buyi part animal? " I laughed at her. Me"Never got the chance, your grandfather always reminded me he wants that degree from me and your grandmother always visited your father and I " she was smiling at me. Me"yinto?" she shrugged. Ntombi"If you loved PE so much, then why did you move? " I told her Lonwabo and I remarried, so I had no choice. Ntombi"What have you done for yourself? " I was confused. Ntombi"Its always Lonwabo and I, azange ndakuva uthi you did something for yourself or you did something you enjoy. You don't drink coffee because tata hates it, you don't wear dresses anymore because tata said you're too old, you hardly drink wine because tata said you were an alcoholic" she named everything I stopped because of Lonwabo and God was it a long list. Ntombi"Yakhumbula we had a garden ye veg endlini, when tata came back you stopped looking after the garden yenziwa ndim no Viwe. Nangokuya wayeka jogger because Tata said he doesn't get why you do it. Mama what do you enjoy doing? or what did you enjoy before meeting tata" I couldn't remember but I read alot of Sidney Sheldon books. Me"I don't know, and you make it sound like your father controls me" she rolled her eyes at me. Me"Ndikuphoxe" she smiled. Ntombi"Mama promise me you'll buy yourself a dress, you have beautiful legs and mna I like your short hair. We thought you looked beautiful during chemotherapy when you were bald, honestly mom we think we didn't give you a chance to grow up" I hate it when Seth says that now ngu Ntombi. Me"I did grow up, I just got married at an early age " she nodded. Ntombi" Well if you think so, let me check on our meat" I gave her the slip and she went inside, I stood up and went to that church stood next to the gate because I wanted to cry. My children probably think I am weak,is that what Ntombi thinks of me kanti? how could I be so weak and the weird part I always thought I was being a good wife. No wonder Lonwabo cheats andina identity, I don't even know what I enjoy! who in their right mind doesn't know what they enjoy.

"Hello" I quickly wiped my tears and turned around. Me"Hello" the guy who introduced himself as Mtha. Mtha"Yakhala?" I nodded the laughed. Mtha"Hahaha suhleka, was worried thought you got mugged kaloku" he hugged me. Me" I needed that" he smiled. Mtha"I know, ungubani wena?" I introduced myself. Me"What does Mtha mean?" he shrugged. Mtha"Andiyazi nam but its short for Mthawelanga" He walked me back to our table and Ntombi was already back. Ntombi"Uhm molo tata" Mtha smiled. Mtha"Worried about your mother, she looks tired for uqhuba. Give me her number and I will call to check if nifike kakuhle" Ntombi was laughing while I looked confused as hell. Ntombi"I'll make sure uyalala xasifika" Mtha laughed. Mtha"Ufuna uyitya wedwa lenyama? hahaha, I like your thinking " they shared a high 5. Ntombi"Hahaha don't expose me kalok" she was laughing, telling jokes. Ntombi"Call mama after 3 hours, she will answer" he gave me his business card. Mtha"Entle call me if you ever want to talk" he hugged Ntombi. Mtha"I should go ladies, my children are waiting for me" he hugged me. Mtha"Bye" he walked away and we went to the car. Ntombi"Omg! I like him, he reminds me of Bhuti hahaha" I liked him too but I wasn't about to say that. Me"Breath" she smiled. Ntombi"I think PE will be interesting " we both nodded. Me"So do I" 

Mtha
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Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 65

Chapter 65

2 weeks
Okay I won't lie and say PE was magical or any of that happy crap, I missed my family and September holidays were still a month away. I activated my Facebook account and downloaded whatsapp again, I was getting on with the times or so it seemed. Ntombi called me last week crying telling me she is losing herself in hostel and she couldn't recognize herself in the mirror, that was enough to scare me because I honestly knew it was my fault . Lonwabo and I decided she will drop out azekum but apparently Sindile knew some people kwa Dept of education and she got a school at Tehillar Christian Academy not far from the house. At that moment my ego was bruised but it wasn't about me, izolo Lonwabo dropped Ntombi off and he was with Sanele, now I was angry but I wasn't about to punish Sanele for his parents mistakes never but I felt like I was still paying for mine, Lolo and tata left me with some guilt ngathi I should raise child ka Lonwabo yase caleni because Maka Lumka did the say kum. I always say God is unfair, dont get me wrong I have raised Mbasa put him through Medical school and raised Viwe like my own kodwa owam (Unekamva) was being raised by someone else, she will always resent me for something I had absolutely no control over and I have to accept that. Everything was a mess and I could blame it all on Lonwabo but I played a huge role in destroying myself too as Bukho would say "Ngxaki yakho Entle, You want to save everyone but yourself! you should ask yourself would they save you " Before fixing my marriage, I need to learn to be selfish.

I woke up to make everyone breakfast, Sanele was already awake watching Cartoon network and Ntombi was on her phone. Me"Tell Mihlali ndabulisa" she giggled. Ntombi"He says hello" Sanele was so scared of me, he didn't even make eye contact. Me"Sanele" he jumped up. Sanele"Sisi" I smiled. Me"Mama or Makhulu but ithi mama number 2 " he giggled. Me"Yazazi fruit loops okanye Coco pops?" he looked at Ntombi then at me. Sanele"Hayi Mama " I won't lie crying was an option, throwing him out of my house was an option too but I wasn't about to be that woman . Me"Ntombi tell Lonwabo siye Metlife, you'll find us in the car" Sanele was still looking at me and I won't lie besides not being light skinned like my children Sanele looked like Lonwabo . Ntombi"He says okay" we went to Checkers, on our way back I showed Ntombi her school which looked really weird but its a school anyway. Ntombi"Mama" I looked at her. Ntombi"Ask Sanele ngubani igama lam" I nodded and I asked nam. Sanele"andiyazi" he giggled looking at Ntombi, I was quite surprised they even have a relationship. Ntombi"He says ndingu Gwen loku Ben 10 because yena ungu Ben 10 hahaha kids are so adorable" I side eyed her. Ntombi"You know what I mean" I didn't, but I didn't want to spoil the mood. Me"I probably don't" she laughed. Sanele"khulu" he was smiling. Sanele"Lambile" besikwi gate yase complex so I told him Gwen will make him cereal then avase . When we arrived Lonwabo was making breakfast, I suddenly wanted him to be gone because we were giving Ntombi mixed signals and I didn't want that. Me"Nihamba nini?" he shrugged. Me"Lonwabo ubuzisa uNtombi apha, she is here ngoku ungahamba. Doesn't Sanele have to eCreche? and I don't want to give Ntombi false hope " he kissed my forehead. Lonwabo"Hamba ngomso kwasasa, I have to go see my uncle. Ndifuna ukwenzela uSeth imbheleko and arrangements for ukoluka kwakhe" I laughed. Me"Okay, but uhambe ngomso Lonwabo " I won't lie and claim to be over Lonwabo, those feelings don't disappear over night but I can safely say I wasn't planning to sleep with him or any of that funny busy. After we ate,we took a bath separately, Lonwabo left for Walmer and Ntombi suggested we take Sanele to the beach then Spur and nam being Entle I agreed. Me"I'll take you kwa Spur then nidlale igames, kuyabanda for ilwandle" on our way Ntombi was updating me about everything . Me"Ngoku nihlala no Maka Sanele? " she laughed. Ntombi"Mom we have never seen Maka Sanele, when tata told us about him azange athethe nix ngaye. He drives to fetch Sanele but ngathi he only comes on weekends nje ngathi, when tata has to work Une volunteers to baby sit " I smiled then nodded. Ntombi"Will you stay here forever?" I honestly didn't know if Lonwabo told the truth but nam I had no idea noba kwenzeka nto. Me"I have too,but andiyazi kude kuthini" she nodded. Ntombi"Tata zotshata kakho? Seth says you left because tata has Sanele now and we won't matter, the house in Gugs will stay ooSanele" I laughed but not because Seth wasn't right but because Ntombi wasn't ready to hear the truth. Me"I'll sort it out I promise " when we arrived at Spur, Sanele wanted to play games so Ntombi had to go with him which gave me a chance to text Seth. "I know you hate me right now, but I have my reasons for leaving. Just give me a chance to figure everything out and, please trust me because regardless of everything you're still my first priority " waiting for his reply was nerve wrecking but I was the adult, I had to put myself first at some point. He replied "Nolhiza I dont blame you for anything, but just look after Ntombi unlike us yena akayazi kunjani ukhuliswa nguwe no tata. But I ain't taking sides, check your whatsapp sent you pictures of Manzi" I think I read that message twice but my phone rang and I didn't know the number.

Me"Hello" the line went dead,so I called again. Me"Hello" silence. Caller"Ndim Sindile, Lonwabo gave me your number" I stood up and went to the game room, ndanika Sanele phone and went to eat while I wait. Ntombi"Mama ina" I looked up and took my phone. Me"Hello" I stood up and went outside, because Ntombi no Sanele were sitting etafileni. Me"Hello?" I know she wanted to apologize, women always apologize. Sindile"I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I …" natsoke. Me"Did you know about me? Did you force Lonwabo to cheat? did you want to break my heart? " she said no. Me"Then why apologize? you don't owe me anything, as far as I'm concerned you win" she did, Lonwabo loves Sindile and as much as it hurts to admit it but he does. Sindile"I don't want him, ndimxelele I don't want to be with a married man. Entle I respect you woman to woman! andifuni ucaphukele umntanam" I laughed. Me"So now I should forgive him because you dont want him? sebenza njalo lento? I will never hate Sanele ngenxayi yamanyala akho no Lonwabo" I was really pissed. Sindile"Xolo" I snapped. Me"Nyolo Nyolo! That doesn't fix anything! You are a home wrecker with good intentions? because azange yakho leyo" Sindile"That's unfair! I didn't know" then why is she apologizing? . Me"Now you do! Yaz 22 years ago I was the new toy, he loved me too, he took me everywhere, introduced me to everyone hahaha my biggest mistake was being too dependent! too insecure or too depressed. Lonwabo does that, he preys on the weak and he will eat you until you're damaged. That's him though akazenzi, and Sindile I will pray to God you run because when its all said and done, He always comes back to the old toy" 

I am bitter
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Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 64

Chapter 64

Sindile"Nguye" see I could slap Sindile and I would feel a little better about myself but that won't resolve anything. Me"Okay" I am weak and that has never been a secret so me running away from my problems right now would be expected . Me"Mamela Lonwabo has children, 4 well one ngowam but 4 anyway. And I would really appreciate it if you leave ngoku with your son, don't get me wrong I want to acknowledge you and want whats best for your son…" I hate how calm I was . Me"Ima ndithethe ngesiXhosa english yasokolisa! Ndifuna ukubetha but that's me! I hate you! but akhonto nalapho. Mamela I need you and Lonwabo to get the hell away from me! because niyandi nyela straight ngoku and isandla sam aishushu so hamba ekhaya! hamba! and ungagqukuqi because ndakukhaba unye and I don't want too" I stumbled to the house thinking how could Lonwabo do this kum kakho! am I that dumb? or am I stupid to think he will change because somewhere somehow I became crazy! or he deluded me into believe this crap about change! Me"Fuck nditshathe ne kaka yomntu" I sat next to a tree and cried, I screamed and I found myself laughing at how stupid I am. Seth"Mama" I looked at him then smiled. Me"I think I should admit myself to a mental institution, because I am about to go mad and this time I wont recover" he looked at me confused, Une and Viwe were standing next to him. Viwe"Ngoba" I laughed again. Me"Because tatakho nomntana! younger than Ntombi!" Seth walked away. Me"Viwe you'll drive them back to Cape Town, I need to think. Tell Thato I went to my safe haven" I walked to my car and drove to East London, I needed Lolo .
••••••••••••••••••••••••••
2 months later
Since Mbasa's wedding things have been complicated lack of a better word, I was back at Lolo's house and that was hell on its on with her being sick but she kept on telling me to fight for my marriage but I was done fighting. You know the strangest thing, kubo bonke abantwana bam Seth called everyday, which meant Ntombi already choose her side and Viwe by default had to stick with Lonwabo but I still get Unekamva. Lolo"Kukho umntu apha" I got out of bed. Me"Kwasasa? " she told me to bath first. Me"Ngubani dan lo ulapha?" she told me ngu Lonwabo. Lolo"Zithobe Entle" I get she is sick but I've preaching the samething koko ndilapha and yet my own mother is selling me out. Me"Tell him to leave okanye ndizobiza amapolisa" we always trust the police to fight our feuds I guess its a black thing. Lolo"Awuna ndlu wena apha kukwam, the minute you call the police ask for lift eya eAirport" I wanted to laugh but she wasn't joking so decided against it. Lolo"I'll tell him uyeza" I wore jeans and my pick n pay pink drive shirt, I don't know whats wrong with Lonwabo but khona nje into engekho right. The minute I got outside he got out of his car and stood next to me looking good I won't even lie. Lonwabo"Likhona" I just wanted to cry but he wasn't worth it. Lonwabo"Masigoduke" I laughed. Me"So is this the part, you lie and tell me everything I want to hear?" he tried to take my hand. Lonwabo" I am sorry? " I laughed so loud, this man deserves an oscar. Me"For what? Lonwabo " I really wanted to know. Lonwabo"For Sindile" he tried to hold my hand again. Me"I don't about Sindile! You lied to me Lonwabo, wafika wena ndihleli kakuhle and you ruined my life again. Before you, before Seth, before everything else I was happy! I hardly cried but the minute I met you that all changed. You ruined me Lonwabo, I am weak nguwe! I don't even know whats right anymore because nempahla zam zikhethwa nguwe. I always wondered wasn't I good enough for you? You changed me! I stopped being Nolhiza the minute I married you Lonwabo and I don't know how you did that. How can one person be so cruel to another? Ndakwenza nto? because you claim to love me but do you love me or the Entle you created? . I stopped living for wena mna but you never did the same for mna, I married you ndikwi first year yam and that was honestly my biggest mistake. I am 42 yet I went clubbing 7 times in my whole existence, Lonwabo you took from me andiyazi mdaku yekela nto but I did and the funniest past I want to leave with you regardless of everything" I sat on the stoep staring into space. Lonwabo"Entle" I looked at him and asked the one thing I've always wanted to know. Me"Did you ever love me?" he nodded. Me"Sundiqhela Lonwabo " I looked at him again. Lonwabo" I did! You know this but nawe Entle, you've done things. Kunini ndaku xolela mna? why can't you do the same" He sat next to me. Me"Remember Alwaba? I raised her son, remember NoPinki? you know her lo wafika wagxotha mna no Seth! Kwabakho abanye and we moved to Cape Town, samething so don't blame me for our problems. You told me awuphinde but kukho Sindile ngoku, will I raise her child too? " we both sat there in silence for something like an hour if not more. Lonwabo"What now?" I seriously didn't know but Lolo's house was no longer an option. Me"I called Bernard in HR izolo, I can transfer to PE but kwi Technical support kakho" he held my hand and I started crying because he wasn't even wearing his wedding ring. Lonwabo"I never wanted to hurt you Entle, I did love you at some point but something changed or I changed andiyazi but I loved you and you know this" I nodded. Me"but just not enough, I'll probably get Zimkitha and Kathy to get my things" he removed his hand from me. Lonwabo"Are you leaving me?" I nodded. Me"I need to try Life without my husband" I stood up. Me"I have to put me first" I walked back inside the house and cried until I fell asleep.
•••••••••••••••••••
Cwenga
Bukho"Was speaking to Kathy today and she says Thato is still around" I knew that too but I didn't know why, we were divorced so she didn't owe me an explanation and Zimkitha wasn't talking. Me"Did she say why?" he poured himself a glass of whiskey. Bukho"Yeah bathi her pregnancy is draining her but Thando left with his grandmother " I wanted to know more but knowing Bukho he would make me admit I screwed up and I wasn't about to do that. Bukho"The baby is fine" thank God. Me" I fucked up ne?" he nodded. Bukho" Myeke kodwa, I always imagine how things would have been phakathi kwethu. If Lobsie wamyeka uEntle that night, or you dated her before that night and honestly it wouldn't have been this interesting" Bukho never liked Entle, he blames her for everything. Bukho"You wouldn't have all of this wena, this you have because of Thato I know you won't admit it but Thato made you" he poured himself another glass. Bukho"Lonwabo included, I remember kuhleliwe kwa Thato and I was still doing my articles that time she suggested we all move to Cape Town. Yakhumbula? she saw some guy ku Top Billing talking about the influence Cape Town has, Thato made us! we just never admitted and she was too inlove to see umsebenzi wakhe. Kodwa nonke nileqeka emvako Entle which really confuses me! Entle is probably a great girl but Lonwabo damaged her so much that ingathi yagodola" I was getting irritated. Me"I know you don't like Entle but she is amazing" Bukho shrugged. Bukho"Amazing? I doubt it, smarter than all of us probably but yi puppet uEntle and that's not attractive nanina! Again not taking sides but Kaizer(Khaya) was the best guy for Entle,I kn…" I interrupted him. Me"Says who? nawe you ruined Zimkitha" he laughed. Bukho"Ruin? that's crazy! I never loved Zimkitha and she knew it naye, we fucked she got pregnant ndamtshata. I divorced Zimkitha because her priorities were fucked up, and I didn't turn her children against her never! but uyanxila and I was raised by a drunk asoze ndenze lonto kwabam abantwana" Amazing how brutal he is ku Zimkitha. Me"So was Thato yet you expected me to stay" he laughed. Bukho"You made Thato an alcoholic Cwenga! Your family, your girlfriends, your hours at the office, adopting Bonga, Athi dying, you throwing her out and all those miscarriages nguwe! because you were busy being inlove with Entle ongakufuyo but that's not even the funny part" he sat opposite me. Bukho"At the end, you don't get the girl! weird isn't it? you treated Thato like thrash and now you are with a girl who probably thinks JSE is a clothing label hahaha" he took his car keys and left me dialing Thato's number

HUMBLED


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Wizzy

Life without my husband Chapter 63

Chapter 63

Lonwabo
I am looking at Sindile sleep and I can't help but wonder, was "Forever and Always " For Entle and I? Do I still love Entle the way I use too? before everything changed, before the children, before her depression, the girl I met at Cubana and fell inlove with, the girl who cant cook but does it anyway. I can honestly say 5 years with Sindile and I fell inlove, I would trade anything to be with her but it would never be simple. I have children and God knows Entle would never recover, and I still hold a torch for Entle its just that it is nothing like before. Sindile"Lobsie" she smiled. Me"I have to go pha ngo 7, so we have two hours left" she looked so disappointed. Sindile" Lonwabo" She looked at me for a longtime then laughed. Sindile"Asoze ndikwazi, I was raised by both parents and my son deserves it, but I cannot force situations. I moved to Cofimvaba for a teaching position not to fall inlove with a Lawyer from Cape Town ethetha iEnglish ngathi uginye ulwimi. I am not a home wrecker and I won't start now, hamba Lonwabo" opportunity to escape yet my legs couldn't move or wouldn't. Me"Sindile" she didn't say anything. Me"Then come with Sanele to the wedding, I will introduce you to Likhona" she laughed again. Sindile"Then what? we hug and exchange notes on your favourite meals?" she finds humor in everything. Me"No I'll divorce her, you and Sanele move to Cape Town then we carry on with our lives" I meant every word . Sindile"Lonwabo no, I told you andizokuyeka wenze lonto kwi family yakho! I will never be that girl Lonwabo never! I love you but andifuni lento mna" she started crying. Sindile"I cry every night since you've left, Cwenga checks up on me more than you do! I am afraid your wife will knock on my door and call me names, ngoku bendingazi Une family mna! somewhere our relationship fell apart. I lost you the day you gained your memory and its fine, I will cherish those memories but I am not breaking your family apart never" My phone rang and it was Seth but I ignored it. Me"I have to go but mamela, the wedding starts at 10 but I'll ask Bukho to fetch you and Sanele apha ngo 12" she declined. Me"Then Sanele, he should meet his siblings"she nodded. Sindile"Okay ke, I'll drop him off and fetch him again just sms the address" I kissed her forehead. Me"Can't believe you didn't want to cuddle with me" she smiled. Sindile"I respect your wife Lonwabo" I just smiled. Me"But I won't give up on you" I took my car keys and left. 
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I kept calling Seth and Lonwabo because they had my clothes but they were both not picking up, I wanted to be there for the singing and dancing. Thato"Kuthwa Lonwabo is still bathing, but uyeza" she did my face in the meantime and I did hers. Kathy"Entle I am tired, I look so red" Lumka laughed at her. Lumka"Hahaha wasn't your wedding this crazy?" we started reminiscing about our weddings. Kathy"Mine was just hell, my father kept on complaining about the Lobola money and Siya's family didn't want a white as their Makoti but on the actually day of the wedding it took them ruining our wedding for us to enjoy it" Thato and Zimkitha didn't share anything. Lumka"I enjoyed umtshato ka Zimkitha mna, the whole thing was beautiful and the twins looked so nunus kwi tuxedo zabo" And it was beautiful nyani. Thato"I doubt I would ever get married again, marriage is hell on earth and even with a good guy somehow things manage to fall apart. Its either you fighting off greedy family members or women that think because they are fucking umntu wakho they suddenly in your level" But not every marriage is like this but we just got the wrong side of the deal. Kathy"But we stand" Ntombi and Une came with my things and told us people are starting to arrive. Lumka"Nxiba Entle, we will be outside" Zimkitha offered to stay behind to help me out. Me"Zim can I ask you something? " she nodded. Me"When Lonwabo died or whatever, did he move on? I know bengadi khumbuli so I understand " I've known Zimkitha since grade 1, and I know when she is lying. Zimkitha" I honestly don't know, I just gave him indawo yohlala and that's where my involvement ended. But I think he did kodwa buza yena Entle, ngencedi ukustress(a) because of speculation" and she wasn't lying. Me"When we go back to Cape Town" I wore my shoes and took my things. Zimkitha"either way fight for whats yours" we went outside people were already sitting in the tents. Lonwabo"Sorry I over slept" I nodded. Lonwabo" Entle I am trying, I don't even know when we fought" I smiled. Me"Nam hence you cheating on me hurts so much, I am confused Lonwabo but akhonto" I stood up and he followed. Lonwabo"Its not the same anymore, its becoming boring and I hate that, wayeka Entle or uzincamile I honestly hate that. Its like your cancer took your confidence along with your ability to live or whatever but I don't want half of you" he pulled me towards him and kissed my lips. Lonwabo"We should go to PE, lock ourselves in and bond " he isn't cheating, I knew I am the problem. Me"We should nyani, thank you for patient "we kissed again. Lonwabo"I love you " we walked back to the tent holding hands.
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Sindile
I am crazy, I must be crazy what I am about to do isn't normal but yet here I am getting dressed to wreck someone's home just to create my own! yimpambano le. Me"Sanele" he came running fast. Sanele"sahamba?" My son loves being in a car, he doesn't care kuyiwaphi as long as its moving. Me"Thatha Spiderman Sanele" he took his bag and we left, we were 3 hours late but who cares. Sanele"Siyaphi?" I told him. Sanele"oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah" Ben 10 contributions,he was laughing. Me"Ungakhali pha" he nodded, when we were near I called Lonwabo but it went to voice mail. Sanele"Phuma mama" I decided to park my car . Me"Behave please" I said a little prayer and we walked to wear the people were sitting and drinking, I was so uncomfortable but I promised to bring Sanele . Lady"Hello sanityile?" she was smiling at us. Me"Uhm no, we were just passing by" she asked Sanele if he was hungry and my peanut nodded. Lady"Just eat, we have plenty of food or ke take it as a picnic" I agreed. Me"Sindile by the way, ngu Sanele lo" Sanele waved. Lady"Entle, this is my brother's wedding. Theni ndingakwazi? I grew up here " I like her. Me"Originally from Bisho, but moved here 6 years ago for teaching and yeah " we made small talk about life while her friend went to fetch food for Sanele and Entle was funny so didn't mind standing here. Entle"So who are you waiting for " Sanele answered "tatam" and Entle laughed. Me"He isn't answering and my little best friend will be hurt if he is a no show " she took Sanele's hand. Entle"Izodlala while silende tatakho" she then took my hand. Entle"Come sit with my Friends and I, you'll go when your husband comes through" we walked to the house and the first person I saw was Cwenga and Lonwabo looking at me like I was wearing a plastic bag. Sanele ran to him and Entle looked at me . Entle"Who are you waiting for again" I looked at Cwenga and Lonwabo playing with Sanele, I looked at Entle she had tears in her eyes. Me"Hhm? " she looked at Sanele then back to me. Entle"Is my husband Sanele's father? no let me rephrase is Lonwabo Skhosana the father of your child, because he is my husband " 

why did I come?
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